FACT: Former head of NBC Sports Dick Ebersol was terrible at his job for DECADES, which is why NBC finally fired the fish-mouthed Retardo Montalban in May. But for reasons that none of us will ever be stupid enough to understand, NBC has rehired him as a “special adviser” to the network.

He is expected to have a role working with the team producing NBC’s coverage of Sunday Night Football, which begins next Thursday with the season opener between New Orleans and Green Bay, the past two Super Bowl winners.

Mr. Ebersol, under the title of senior adviser, is also being brought back to contribute to the production of the event most closely associated with him, the Olympics. He will join the NBC production team in an advisory role for the 2012 summer games in London. [NYT Media Decoder]

What the hell’s he gonna do for Sunday Night Football? Show it on tape-delay? Add more studio analysts? Change the game to baseball? God I hate this A-hole.

MLB All Star Game (Fox) — When I was a kid, the All Star Game was one of the highlights of my summer. But I also collected bugs as a kid, so it’s not like I had any idea about what was actually good back then. Now I have a better idea about what’s worth watching, such as Kate Upton in short-shorts at the MLB Celebrity Softball Game.

Lawrence of Arabia (TCM) — Speaking of when I was younger, I went through a phase in high school where I tried to get caught up on classic movies from the ’60s and ’70s (Chinatown, Easy Rider, The Shining, other movies that didn’t star Jack Nicholson). All I remember from watching Lawrence of Arabia is that it felt like the longest movie I’d ever seen. It’s like you actually wander around the desert with Peter O’Toole for several months.

Gordon Ramsay’s Great Escape (BBC America) — In this episode of Ramsay’s 37th TV show, he travels to Vietnam, where deadly booby traps are no longer a grave danger to visitors. Unfortunately.

Repo Games (Spike) — This blurs the line between game show and reality show: debtors answer trivia questions, and the “prize” to be won is their own car (losers get their vehicles repossessed). On tonight’s episode, someone pulls a gun. Is it just me, or does this sound like a Stephen King novella?

America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Live episodes begin tonight, with the first 12 of the final 48 acts performing. I’d be a great “AGT” judge: everyone without a dog or cleavage would get an immediate X.

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — Season premiere. Here’s why you need to follow me on Twitter: because I share awesome GIFs like this even when I don’t have a specific use for them here at the blog. Anyway, if you can get past the silly monsters (this season: witches!) and annoying characters like Tara, Sookie, Bill, the ugly waitress, Hoyt, and all of Sam’s family, this can be almost watchable. I mean, is an Eric-Pam-Jessica hardcore threesome really so much to ask for?

Law & Order: Criminal Intent (USA, Sunday) — Series finale. Which one is this? Is this the one with Vincent D’Onofrio? It’s hard to keep all the “L&O’s” straight, except for the one about rape. Anyway, James Van Der beek guest stars.

Swamp Shark (Syfy, Saturday) — D.B. Sweeney and Kristy Swanson star in what isn’t exactly Syfy’s most inspired monster movie. “Okay, so it’s a shark… but get this: it lives in freshwater.”

Commercial Kings (IFC, Friday) — Series premiere. Internet stars Rhett and Link make offbeat commercials for local businesses. You may remember this from the video they made for the crazy cat hotel lady.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, Sunday) — Season premiere. Whoa, that was weird. I just thought about this show and queefed out of my penis.

Cocaine Sub Hunt (NatGeo, Sunday) — What else do you need to know? It’s called COCAINE SUB HUNT.

Gold Cup Final (Fox Soccer & Univision, Saturday) — It’s USA versus hated rival Mexico from the Rose Bowl. American turf, sure, but the 90,000 fans in attendance will be filled with urine-flinging illegal immigrants and anchor babies. We should host this game in Arizona. (My love for Clint Dempsey turns me into a right-wing racist.)

Some people have wondered how “The League” would respond to the NFL lockout if the work stoppage continues and interrupts the coming season. The answer, according to this new video, is exactly how the rest of us NFL fans have responded: with angry demands that the owners and players work their sh*t out and play some games so that we can be distracted from our terrible, meaningless lives. Cheers to this. And yes, I’m drinking before noon. Don’t judge me, it’s been a long morning.

[Paul Scheer]

Tommy from Quinzee reacts to the Bruins’ win. It’s just a shame he missed out on the rioting. [Kissing Suzy Kolber; photo by Rich Lam/Getty Images; GIF via @PUNTE]

Your Vancouver rioting gallery. Ha ha, way to destroy your beautiful city, Vancouver! [With Leather]

The Dugout, by Bill Simmons. This one’s a great episode. And yes, there are footnotes. [With Leather]

The ten most ridiculous items on Kim Kardashian’s wedding registry. What? Every bride needs an $800 ashtray. [Uproxx]

Werner Herzog reads ‘Go the F**k to Sleep.’ It’s a nice companion piece to Samuel L. Jackson reading it. [FilmDrunk]

Best of Venture Bros. Cosplay. Dr. Girlfriend is one of the sexiest cartoons in TV history. It’s a shame about her voice. [Gamma Squad]

Rob McIlhenny gained 50 pounds to play Mac next season. Check out this on-set preview of Season 7 of “It’s ALways Sunny in Philadelphia.” [ScreenJunkies]

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