Earlier this week, we published a post about how someone was selling a piece of the Aggro Crag from Nickelodeon’s “GUTS” on eBay. We’re still not totally sure if it was real or not, but I choose to think it was because SCREW YOU, DON’T MESS WITH MY CHILDHOOD.

But that extremely pricey, totally useless piece of history got me wondering what other on-screen treasures you could purchase through eBay. First, I typed in “Alison Brie underwear” and “Raylan Givens hat,” and after my results returned nothing but signed photos and books (blah), I did a more general search for “TV merchandise props.” Here are ten expensive, literally as-seen-on-TV items I absolutely want and obviously need.

Price: $2,000
Description: “The fish cookie cutter and Dharma stamp that goes onto the fish were made by Renegade, as well as the salmon pink ginger-cinnamen edible cookie dough. Renegade made the Dharma Fish bisquits for “Lost.”

Price: $900.00
Description: “really nice condition, this is a one of a king item, 100% authentic thank your letter and Webster personal white house jacket that was given as a gift, the leather and photo is in a nice folder with minor wear and the jacket is in excellent condition.you will also received a written fan card that Webster wrote back to a fan but it was never mailed, this is truly a gift to have in your collection.”

Price: $5,555
Description, from contestant Ozzy Lusth: “This is a one of a kind, MY ACTUAL IMMUNITY NECKLACE. I have decided to let it go so I can raise a little capital to shoot a cool sizzle reel to sell a show. This is the best IMMUNITY NECKLACE EVER!! i am biased…This is a work of beauty, I am sad to let it go but I must move on and try to build another cool show. Help me keep the adventure going!

If so desired I will personally deliver the necklace and spend a few hours with you talking about my experiences out in the wild! All I need is airfare taken care of, or you can come and personally pick it up! I will include Photos, a handmade Certificate of Authenticity and a few other goodies to the Lucky person that can get a hold of this very special piece of Survivor History! It will be worth every penny as I will give you all the juicy gossip you will never hear from anyone! shoot ill even throw in the Pants I wore on the show!”

Price: $999.99
Description: “Keyboard he plays during the opening sequence of the hit television series.”

Price: $375.00
Description: “You are Bidding on 1 Original Vintage 1989 “Claymation” Character Clay Model Face Sculpture (looks like Leader Singer “A.C.”?) – Hand Modeled by a Will Vinton Studio Artist during a Special Appearance at a Show held in Portland Oregon in 1989.”

Price: $264.00
Description: “DOROTHY CHEATS WITH A MARRIED MAN, GLEN, PLAYED BY ALEX ROCCO.”

Price: $725.00
Description: “ORIGINAL 60′S STAR TREK TAN SMALL TRIBBLE SCREEN USED FROM MAJEL BARRETTS (GENE RODDONBERRYS WIFE) ESTATE.”

Price: $2,998.98
Description: “This is the original head of the Demon Lorne, which was used in Season 2 Episode 22 “There’s No Place Like Plrtz Glrb.” This item is encased in a football helmet display case and is decorated with a scarf. The robotics used in the production are not included. This listing has been authorized by the Executor of the Estate from the late actor Andy Hallett.” (Emphasis mine…)

Price: $3,000.00
Description: “You are looking at a Macho Man Randy Savage ring worn & AUTOGRAPHED cowboy hat. This was worn during the “Macho King” era 1990-1991. The front crystal design is missing from the hat…Randy wore this in many promos at the beginning of his feud with “The Ultimate Warrior,” as well as in a match against KoKo B. Ware that is on youtube.”

Price: $1,000.00
Description: “For Sale is an extremely rare Muppet head from the show Dinosaurs that ran on ABC from 1991-1994 and was voiced by Kevin Clash aka Elmo. It is in excellent condition and has been stored for 20 years with no deterioration of the latex foam. This is a great piece of Muppet memorabilia that anyone would be lucky to own. It is just the shell with no animatronics, the inner latex core it is resting on is just for support.”

History was made last night, and I hope you weren’t watching. Yesterday, at exactly 8:30 p.m. EST, ABC premiered “Work It,” arguably the most offensive show of all-time. It’s about two dudes who dress up like ladies because women be stealing all our jobs. IT’S A MANCESSION, PEOPLE. The show’s homophobic, sexist, a little racist, and definitely awful. Like, “Homeboys in Outer Space”-level awful.

“Work It” joins a unique group of shows that can only be defined as “offensive,” both critically and culturally. I’m not talking about series like “South Park” and “All In the Family,” which many totally clueless writers have mislabeled as “the most offensive shows ever”; I’m referring to shows so lacking in decency and taste, they make the “Partial Terms of Endearment” episode of “Family Guy” seem like “The Joy of Painting” by comparison.

Here we go.

“Heil Honey, I’m Home!” is about Eva Braun and Mr. Hitler, or as his friends call him, Adolph, living next door to —and failing to get along with— the Goldensteins, Arny and Rosa. Oy vey! The U.K. originated “Heil” was presented as a “found footage” series, with an episode-opening crawl explaining that in the 1950s, the show was lost and only recently unearthed. This was, of course, a plot device, used only to get the satirical “Leave It to Beaver” WITH NAZIS show on the air — and it did, for a single episode. Honestly, it’s not very funny, not because it’s overly offensive, but because it feels like a five-minute sketch – about Hitler waiting for Neville Chamberlin to drop by – dragged out to 30 minutes. It’s the “SNL” of Hitler-starring sitcoms.

Knowing the line between acceptable and inappropriate is tricky. “Hogan’s Heroes” was set in a German POW camp during World War II, yet it ran for six seasons and 168 episodes. But someone at UPN should have just said NO to “The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer,” not only because of its terrible name (the “P” isn’t silent), but also because it was about the HILARITY that is Civil War-era racism. Chi McBride plays Pfeiffer, who serves (slaves) as Abraham Lincoln’s butler, and though he’s usually treated as an equal by the president (who’s portrayed as a closeted homosexual — a lot of sausage gags), nearly every joke went over the aforementioned line, from unfunny yet acceptable, to simply offensive:

In the opening scene of the pilot, Kilbourne, Lincoln’s chief of staff in the program, walks into the kitchen to find Pfeiffer sitting with his legs stretched out among the breakfast dishes. “The slaves haven’t been emancipated yet,” Kilbourne barks. “Get your feet off the table, Pfeiffer.”

In the original opening sequence, two British horsemen munch on snacks while watching a double hanging in what is identified onscreen as “Merry Olde England.” The racial identity of the hanged men is concealed by bags tied over their heads. Chuckling at the sight, one of the horsemen asks, “Why is it that warm chestnuts never taste so good as when you’re watching a man take his last gasp and then urinating it back?” In the next scene, according to people who observed that first tape, a black British nobleman named Pfeiffer finds himself kidnapped by his enemies and thrown into the bottom of a slave ship crossing the Atlantic to America. (Metro Active)

My favorite fun facts about “The Morton Downey, Jr. Show,” hosted by ZIP IT himself:

-He was sued for $40 million after bringing a stripper onto the show and calling her a “slut,” a “pig,” a “hooker,” and a “tramp,” claiming that she had venereal diseases, and banging his pelvis against hers.
-At one point, he was arraigned on criminal charges for allegedly attacking a gay guest on his show, in a never-aired segment

To put things into perspective, Downey was so offensive that when he was fired from his pre-talk show radio program (for telling a ethnic joke aimed at an Asian city council member), he was replaced by Rush Limbaugh, who felt tame by comparison. He was Springer before Springer, but he meant what he said.

When I did a Google Search for “Most Offensive TV Show,” one of the first websites that came up in the search was for Stormfront, a message board for the white nationalist community. They’re a charming bunch. After reducing TV down to a “bunch of kikes, coons, perverts, and race mixers,” the commenters included the following shows as being particularly offensive:

Star Trek (and all the spin-offs; Voyager and DS9 were the worst, TOS and Enterprise weren’t as bad); nothing beats Star Trek. I intend on writing an essay or two about this venomous series one day.

I think Sesame Street could be added to the list. It was created for urban, non-white children.

King of the Hill- The portrayal of making a redneck uptight and always having it out with his Laotian neighbor Khan. The show makes Khan look intelligent and Hank Hill look like a mean-spiritedjerk.

Don’t forget The Boondocks! That cartoon has got to be THE most blatantly anti-White show with the most obnoxious characters ever aired. I believe it even edges out anything that jew, Norman Lear ever put out.

“I tried to be honest with all of you, not just some of you. Yes, I am from Mexico, I am a model, and I’m 21. But Tom, I really love spending time with you and kissing you. You see, I love men, and I love being a woman…But you see, Tom…I am not a woman. I was born as a man.”

That was the speech delivered by Miriam, the pre-op transsexual seen above, who was the object of affection for six male contestants on the 2003 U.K. reality show “There’s Something About Miriam.” For the three weeks and five episodes prior to her announcement, when the guys met and got to “know” Miriam, lifeguard Tom & Co. weren’t aware of her self-identification. When they did find out, they got pissed; they sued for “defamation, personal injury, and conspiracy to commit sexual assault (apparently because several of them had kissed and hugged Miriam),” according to Reality TV World, and won an undisclosed sum of money.

The truly offensive part, however, came after Miriam was finished speaking, when the contestants who didn’t win began laughing at Tom because BRAH, YOU’RE TOTALLY GAYYY NOW. Their lawsuit essentially claimed that their lives were ruined because everyone thinks they’re homosexuals now, what with all the kissing and hugging of a transgender person; what they didn’t mention were the scenes of the show featuring the guys literally whipping their di*ks out to see who had the biggest penis. NO HOMO. The moral of the terrible show: if a transgender person wants to “come out,” they should expect to be laughed at and for their friends to feel deceived. “There’s Something About Miriam” was aired in the U.S. on Fox Reality Channel.

As I’ve said before, the Nyan Cat meme doesn’t particularly appeal to me, but this video of the “Star Trek” crew encountering the 8-bit poptart space cat made me chuckle. There’s just something about William Shatner’s dramatic reaction and Leonard Nimoy’s subtle eyebrow raise that gives the silly little animation some gravity. At the same time, it makes “Star Trek” more enjoyable for me than ever before. I guess the show just needed more cats.

That’s why I’d make a great studio executive. My notes for every TV show would be a sheet of loose leaf paper with a single handwritten demand: “MORE CATS.”

[gabrielramos via bunnyfood]

Don't do what Donny Don't does.

Most books written about TV are terrible. The online shelves of Amazon are full of unauthorized guides that sound like they’re written by Fan Forum users; ghostwritten “auto”biographies supposedly penned by people whose Wikipedia pages I can barely get through (let alone 365 pages of Sharon Osbourne Extreme); and Heroes and Philosophy, and House and Philosophy, and Seinfeld and Philosophy, and so on. It’s plainly obvious that people with philosophy degrees spend even more time watching television than they do making me lattes.

But there ARE good books about television — some of which we’ve even read! Here are ten that are worth your time, with helpful summaries in case you just want to have them on your shelf and brag about reading them.

Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live
Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN
By Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller

Next week, Shales and Miller will release their second book together, Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN, which has the Worldwide Leader in Sports freaking the f*ck out. The Bristol, Connecticut-based network likes to imagine themselves, and wants us to picture them, as this close-knit community that lovingly and honorably covers sports, when in fact it’s just a bunch of horny dudes (and the women who put up with them) yelling loudly at video cameras. The excerpts that have leaked so far have been fantastic, and I bet World of ESPN is going to be just as good as Shales and Miller’s last work, Live from New York, a book that managed to get anecdotes from the likes of Bill Murray, Mike Myers, Dan Aykroyd and even guest stars like Tom Hanks and Steve Martin, to describe the often drug-heavy process behind the making of an “SNL” episode.

[Editor's Note: Fans of late-night TV will also want to read Bill Carter's The Late Shift and The War for Late Night, about Jay Leno's battles with David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, respectively.]

The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network and Cable TV Shows: 1946-Present
By Tim Brooks and Earle F. Marsh

Nearly 1,800 pages long, the Complete Directory, which published its ninth edition in 2007, lists the plot summary, time slot, and cast of more than 6,500 shows. So, let’s say you need to find out when “The Pat Boone Chevy Showroom” aired and for how many episodes (I had to once and know the pain all to well)—check the Complete Directory. It’s likely where Wikipedia got their information (and often has more information than the online encyclopedia), and it also includes program schedules and season ratings. The only thing bad about that is the reminder that “Friends” was once the most popular show on TV.

An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington
By Karl Pilkington, Ricky Gervais, and Stephen Merchant

“An Idiot Abroad” is a travel documentary that aired in the UK last fall, and more recently in the U.S. on Discovery Science. I’ll admit that sentence doesn’t make the show sound particularly fascinating, but know that it stars Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, creators of “The Office” and “Extras,” and Karl Pilkington, a man who hates to travel and is irritated at Gervais and Merchant making him see the New Seven Wonders of the World (Karl’s reaction to the Great Wall: “It’s not a great wall; it’s an all right wall”). Splitsider called it the funniest show on TV, and this companion guide came out in January. It’s a good read if you like comedy and can’t stand the way English people speak.

While driving around yesterday, I heard my second favorite song from the Bad Boys II soundtrack on the radio, “Shake Ya Tailfeather” by Nelly, P. Diddy, and Murphy Lee. While that in itself isn’t much of a monumental event, I did hear something I never noticed before: Murphy Lee rapping, “Man, I’m that damn hungry/See I’m starving like Marvin, girl,” a reference to “South Park’s” classic “Starvin’ Marvin’” episode. Surprisingly, there aren’t many references to specific TV shows in popular music, but here are ten of the most memorable — some good, some Blessid Union of Souls-awful.

[EDIT: As many have so kindly pointed out, Murphy Lee likely wasn't referencing "South Park." Nonetheless, it's what planted the seed for this article, so just go with it.]

#10. “99 Red Balloons” by Nena

Like the “Leonard Bernstein!” part of “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine),” I barely pay attention to anything that’s not the words “99 Red Balloons” in the song of the same name. But a little more than midway through, Nena sings, “Everyone’s a superhero, everyone’s a Captain Kirk/With orders to identify, to clarify to classify.” To repay the German singer for her mention, an extremely old and confused William Shatner pushes her into oncoming traffic, killing her immediately because he thought the Nazi atomic bomb-preventing plot in “Star Trek” was real life.

[Purists can listen to the German version here.]

#9. “Storybook Life” by Blessid Union of Souls

You might remember Blessid Union, who spell their name that way because they’re assholes, as the band that rhymed “Tyson Beckford” with “Robert Redford” in 1999’s inexplicable hit, “Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me for Me).” Well, on the same album, Walking Off the Buzz, they had another song with lyrics seemingly written by an eight-year-old girl: “Storybook Life,” an elegy to the narrator’s perfect gal, and how he’d choose her over Buffy because “she don’t slay me.” Later in the track, Meg Ryan, Felicity, Halle Berry, and “that brunette” on “V.I.P.” are all mentioned, too, and it’s no surprise that none of them have careers anymore. Along the same lines…

#8. “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies

The Barenaked Ladies really wanted it both ways (heh?). They yearned to be recognized for writing tender, somber ballads (“Call and Answer”), while also earning notoriety for their wacky white guy rapping, the most famous example being “One Week,” from 1998’s Stunt. They’re a band that could have only become famous in the 1990s, so it’s perfectly understandable that they would mention a particularly 90s show, “The X-Files”, and its wonderfully 90s character, Cigarette Smoking Man, in their biggest hit. Although BNL is any easy target, one that “Community” has directed many shots at this season, I will give them this: even they never tried to fit “The Lone Gunmen” into one of their songs.

My apartment is decorated with a “Dexter” bobblehead, old issues of TV Guide with the casts of “Six Feet Under” and “The Sopranos,” and a fake press pass for Homerpalooza. Those are all pretty cool (I use the word lightly) pieces of television memorabilia. But there’s a darker, crappier side to the world of items based on your favorite TV shows (and I only chose shows that people actually like–obviously “Cavemen” is going to have some subpar merchandise). Below are ten of the worst.

#10. “Married…with Children” Comic Books

In 1990, NOW Comics began publishing a series based on “Married…with Children,” the hit Fox series then in its fifth season. But NOW, which also had titles for Mr. T, Speed Racer, and the Real Ghostbusters, failed to realize the “Married…with Children” and comic book communities did NOT go together like love and marriage, which is probably why they went out of business.

#9. The Wit and Wisdom of Archie Bunker

“Watch out for the gays.”

#8. “Julia” Coloring Book

“Julia” was one of the first TV shows to star an African-American actress, and in a misguided attempt at color equality, NBC released a coloring book, presumably in an effort to prove to children (who didn’t watch the show) that black’s no different than Midnight Blue or Thistle. According to the item’s seller: “About 1/5 of the pages have been colored on.” No word on whether there’s a jumble and if the answer is “fries.”

In honor of Comic-Con, the trolley stop for the San Diego Convention Center is written in Klingon, the official language of sweaty virgins with acne. (photo via BWE)

Comic-Con, of course, began yesterday, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that it will be producing a bunch of news over the weekend, most of which I’ll ignore because working weekends is for bartenders, cops, and suckers. But you can follow the adventures of Vince over at FilmDrunk as he navigates the sweaty hordes. Enjoy it, geeks: this is your time to shine. And by “shine” I mean “get used as guinea pigs by the entertainment industry.”

Oh hey look, Slave Leias kissing:

(via @cyborgturkey)

If you’re literate, chances are you hate Ke$ha’s atrocious “Tik Tok,” in which the tone-deaf heifer makes the questionable claims that she brushes her teeth with whiskey and that men are attracted to her. It is an abomination to humankind and an insult to professional musicians.

That said, there’s actually some ironic charm to it when the lyrics are applied to old-school “Star Trek.” I can’t really justify hating this song but liking the video mash-up, but somehow it works for me. I guess I can just picture Captain Kirk brushing his teeth with Jack.

[via Reddit]

As a follow-up to the viral success of his poetic reading of Sarah Palin’s resignation speech on “The Tonight Show,” William Shatner granted an interview with Time and proceeded to blow the roof off the internet yet again.  Things I learned today: Shatner suckles from Conan O’Brien’s belly button, collaborated with Ben Folds on a spoken-word version of “Common People,” and made housing from a kidney stone.  The highlights:

So what is your relationship with Conan like when the cameras are off?
It’s great, he folds me into his arms and I come up to his belly button. So I suckle on his belly button and he holds me close. [Laughs.] That can lead to any kind of relationship, right?

Have you seen the latest Star Trek film?
I haven’t. Abrams sent me a message through the Web — what was it, Twittered me? No. YouTubed me? No, what has he done? E-mailed me. He e-mailed me saying he heard that I hadn’t seen the movie and he’d set up a private screening, and I declined the private screening and told him I’d buy him dinner.

Is it true that you once sold a kidney stone for $25,000 and donated the money to Habitat for Humanity?
$75,000. There’s somebody living in a house from my kidney stone. A lovely, large family somewhere in northern Louisiana.

So what body part is next?
Well, it depends on the price, I guess. I can spare very little, mind you. I might try liposuction and spread that around.

Dammit that man is awesome.  I hope you’re appreciating him now while he’s still alive, because he’s 78 now.  And he doesn’t exactly look like the kind of guy who gets great gas mileage, if you know what I’m sayin’.  So let’s appreciate him now before the Celebpocalypse claims him next.

This hardly seems like news, but for whatever reason Hustler’s series of pornographic classic TV spoofs is making headlines, perhaps due to the popularity of “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX.”  (Strange… I somehow missed the first 29 installments.) Variety says:

Other programs immortalized under the “This Ain’t …” and “Not the…” umbrellas (as in “Not the Cosbys”) include “Happy Days,” “The Partridge Family,” “Gilligan’s Island,” “The Munsters” and “The Brady Bunch.”

Hustler’s infatuation with TV also encompasses current reality programs, such as “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” And there are more sitcom sendups on the horizon, among them the semi-sacrilegious “Everybody Loves Lucy,” which will be available, naturally, in both black-and-white and color.

Porn producers have had fun for years playing off popular movie and TV titles. The twist now is going the extra mile to invest projects with better production values that actually have scripts and genuinely resemble the source material.

Whoa whoa whoa.  They’re making porn with actual scripts now?  Well la dee dah, your highness.  “Oh, I only mahstahbate to pornography with a script; I need to be emotionally involved with the characters.  And don’t you find verisimilitude with the source material arousing?”  I didn’t realize I was hanging out with jerkoff royalty.  Everybody bow to Prince Harry Palms.