My apartment is decorated with a “Dexter” bobblehead, old issues of TV Guide with the casts of “Six Feet Under” and “The Sopranos,” and a fake press pass for Homerpalooza. Those are all pretty cool (I use the word lightly) pieces of television memorabilia. But there’s a darker, crappier side to the world of items based on your favorite TV shows (and I only chose shows that people actually like–obviously “Cavemen” is going to have some subpar merchandise). Below are ten of the worst.

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In honor of Comic-Con, the trolley stop for the San Diego Convention Center is written in Klingon, the official language of sweaty virgins with acne. (photo via BWE)

Comic-Con, of course, began yesterday, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that it will be producing a bunch of news over the weekend, most of which I’ll ignore because working weekends is for bartenders, cops, and suckers. But you can follow the adventures of Vince over at FilmDrunk as he navigates the sweaty hordes. Enjoy it, geeks: this is your time to shine. And by “shine” I mean “get used as guinea pigs by the entertainment industry.”

Oh hey look, Slave Leias kissing:

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If you’re literate, chances are you hate Ke$ha’s atrocious “Tik Tok,” in which the tone-deaf heifer makes the questionable claims that she brushes her teeth with whiskey and that men are attracted to her. It is an abomination to humankind and an insult to professional musicians.

That said, there’s actually some ironic charm to it when the lyrics are applied to old-school “Star Trek.” I can’t really justify hating this song but liking the video mash-up, but somehow it works for me. I guess I can just picture Captain Kirk brushing his teeth with Jack.

[via Reddit]

As a follow-up to the viral success of his poetic reading of Sarah Palin’s resignation speech on “The Tonight Show,” William Shatner granted an interview with Time and proceeded to blow the roof off the internet yet again.  Things I learned today: Shatner suckles from Conan O’Brien’s belly button, collaborated with Ben Folds on a spoken-word version of “Common People,” and made housing from a kidney stone.  The highlights:

So what is your relationship with Conan like when the cameras are off?
It’s great, he folds me into his arms and I come up to his belly button. So I suckle on his belly button and he holds me close. [Laughs.] That can lead to any kind of relationship, right?

Have you seen the latest Star Trek film?
I haven’t. Abrams sent me a message through the Web — what was it, Twittered me? No. YouTubed me? No, what has he done? E-mailed me. He e-mailed me saying he heard that I hadn’t seen the movie and he’d set up a private screening, and I declined the private screening and told him I’d buy him dinner.

Is it true that you once sold a kidney stone for $25,000 and donated the money to Habitat for Humanity?
$75,000. There’s somebody living in a house from my kidney stone. A lovely, large family somewhere in northern Louisiana.

So what body part is next?
Well, it depends on the price, I guess. I can spare very little, mind you. I might try liposuction and spread that around.

Dammit that man is awesome.  I hope you’re appreciating him now while he’s still alive, because he’s 78 now.  And he doesn’t exactly look like the kind of guy who gets great gas mileage, if you know what I’m sayin’.  So let’s appreciate him now before the Celebpocalypse claims him next.

We’re here for the gang bang?

This hardly seems like news, but for whatever reason Hustler’s series of pornographic classic TV spoofs is making headlines, perhaps due to the popularity of “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX.”  (Strange… I somehow missed the first 29 installments.) Variety says:

Other programs immortalized under the “This Ain’t …” and “Not the…” umbrellas (as in “Not the Cosbys”) include “Happy Days,” “The Partridge Family,” “Gilligan’s Island,” “The Munsters” and “The Brady Bunch.”

Hustler’s infatuation with TV also encompasses current reality programs, such as “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” And there are more sitcom sendups on the horizon, among them the semi-sacrilegious “Everybody Loves Lucy,” which will be available, naturally, in both black-and-white and color.

Porn producers have had fun for years playing off popular movie and TV titles. The twist now is going the extra mile to invest projects with better production values that actually have scripts and genuinely resemble the source material.

Whoa whoa whoa.  They’re making porn with actual scripts now?  Well la dee dah, your highness.  “Oh, I only mahstahbate to pornography with a script; I need to be emotionally involved with the characters.  And don’t you find verisimilitude with the source material arousing?”  I didn’t realize I was hanging out with jerkoff royalty.  Everybody bow to Prince Harry Palms.