On last night’s “Colbert Report,” Stephen Colbert — agonizing over which Not-Romney candidate to support in the Republican primary — came to an unsurprising conclusion:

“It all makes so much sense! … [M]y heart always leads me to me! And I am so not Mitt! … But wait, wait, wait, wait — that’s crazy! These guys have been running for a year now. How can I ever compete with an established candidate like Jon Huntsman?”

Turns out, that competition is already over. A recent Public Policy Polling (PPP) Poll taken in South Carolina has Colbert running ahead of Jon Hunstman in the state (despite the appeal of Huntsman’s daughters), and no Republican candidate has ever won a presidential race without winning the South Carolina. If you can win South Carolina, you can win the presidency. And guess who is from the state?

Stephen Colbert.

After all but conceding that Mitt Romney had the nomination wrapped up, Colbert teased an announcement he plans to make tonight. Will he run?

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I probably should be writing about Stephen Colbert’s fantastic guest editorial in the South Carolina newspaper The State, but it’s the day before Christmas Eve/fourth night of Hanukkah/Eddie Vedder’s birthday, and I don’t want to think about anything that matters. Today, I’m all about: Candy canes! Reindeer! J Woww’s bikini!

While Snooki’s off getting sued for $7 million, J Woww has not only launched her swimsuit line for Perfect Tan Bikini; she’s also defied gravity. There’s no way that the strapless bikini she’s wearing above should stay on. But it does, because of “Stick2U…[a] silicon based adhesive [that’s] activated by your body temperature, so the warmer you get in the sun, the more it stays in place.” I bet the scientists who developed Stick2U feel like the luckiest bastards in the world. Also: if you’re wondering if certain “enhancements” (read: ABNORMALLY LARGE BREASTS) are needed to wear the thing, the website’s FAQ helpfully answers, “No, the Perfect Tan Bikini can be worn with real or augmented breasts. Anyone can wear a Perfect Tan Bikini. Now we can all be Perfect!”

Between this and the photo of Sammi without a layer of rust on her face, I’m suddenly a lot more interested in season five of “Jersey Shore.” Birthday Boy Vedder knows what I’m talking about:

There are three pillars upon which Warming Glow is built: Alison Brie, corgis, and bringing you every possible TV clip about vodka-soaked tampons. With that last one in mind, last night’s “Colbert Report” led off with the Phoenix news report featured here last week (though it said nothing of the phenomenon’s 2008 appearance on “The Doctors”).

The clip is below for you enjoyment (via Uproxx). To the commenting section’s great credit, Colbert closes with the same punchline that La Schmoove made in last week’s post. Warming Glow: telling you Stephen Colbert’s jokes a week before they happen, without any of the acclaim or respectability.

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As Brett noted yesterday on UPROXX, Stephen Colbert infiltrated Occupy Wall Street dressed up as Che Guevara for a segment on “The Colbert Report.” But the majority of the segment (video below) was an interview with these caricatures of liberal hipster scum. The woman on the right — yes, she really IS wearing oversize glasses AND a vintage dress AND Down Syndrome bangs — goes by the name “Ketchup.” Her name is Ketchup. And she says she’s a “female-bodied person,” because not all biological females identify themselves as women. Because apparently saying she’s a woman would be insulting to transgendered people? I don’t know.

I mean, here I am, someone who’s angry at the big banks and hedge funds who led to our nation’s financial ruin. I’ve lost a significant portion of my meager life savings thanks to their greed. I absolutely identify with the 99%. And yet these cheesedick academic douchebags make me want to reconsider my position. I’m thinking about joining the NYPD right now just for the outside chance to hit these people with a night stick.

Yo Occupy Wall Street, hire a PR firm.

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Yesterday I posted the baffling Hermain Cain ad that featured chief of staff Mark Block taking a drag from a cigarette and Cain breaking into a slow, creepy smile. It was obviously ripe for parody, and late-night hosts went after it with gusto. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, and Stephen Colbert all created similar spoofs of the commercial. (I’m sure Jay Leno will tackle it some time early next year.)

Not only have I embedded the videos below, but I’ve also ranked them because I enjoy stirring up pointless discussion. For further reading on this matter, please see my defining work in the genre, EMILY > ZOOEY.

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