Hey everybody! Remember when the Louisiana sheriffs kicked out A&E’s production crew for “Steven Seagal: Lawman” because Seagal allegedly kept sex slaves? Remember Seagal’s mysterious “unique physiological reaction” to sexual arousal? Well, prepare your Steven-Seagal-invented-everything memes, because “Lawman” will return with Seagal on duty in Arizona’s Maricopa County with notorious hardass Joe Arpaio.

Deputy Seagal has now landed a new beat: Phoenix, Ariz., where controversial Sheriff Joe Arpaio has welcomed the actor to resume shooting. As a result, A&E has greenlit a third season of Steven Seagal Lawman, with Seagal going on patrol in Maricopa County.

“I have a lot of friends in the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, so when Sheriff Joe Arpaio invited me to join them, there wasn’t a moment’s hesitation,” Seagal said. “Certain crimes in Arizona are on the rise and now that I live there, I want to help the sheriff fight it the best way I know how. It’s an honor to serve.” [Inside TV]

In case you’re not familiar with Arpaio, he’s the 78-year-old sheriff who introduced tent cities and pink underwear to Arizona jails, among countless other controversial measures. Instead of taking Viagra, he gets his dick hard by thinking about deporting illegal immigrants. Just wait ’til Seagal teaches Arpaio how to front-kick them over the border.

(If nothing here makes sense, go listen to the FilmDrunk Frotcast.)

In light of the allegations that Steven Seagal keeps a handful of “executive assistants” for his perverse sexual needs, the Sheriff’s Department where Seagal works as a reserve deputy sheriff has kicked out A&E’s production crew, thus ending “Steven Seagal: Lawman” for the foreseeable future. TMZ says:

Steven Seagal’s A&E reality show has been suspended indefinitely — and the person pulling the plug is the real life sheriff from “Steven Seagal Lawman.”

The Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office has announced that they have booted the production crews from their offices, in light of the sexual trafficking lawsuit filed against Seagal in Los Angeles…

During a news conference in Louisiana, Sheriff Newell Normand also announced that he will not be launching an investigation into Seagal — unless Kayden Nguyen files a criminal complaint in Jefferson Parish.

Aw, so sad. “Lawman” was a strange combination of hilarious and boring, like a dull episode of “Cops” randomly starring and narrated by Steven Seagal. I can’t say I’ll miss it, but I will miss the presence of Seagal on television. Let’s go to the Steven Seagal Emotion Chart to see how he’s feeling today:

Too much? Yeah, probably too much.

I’m introducing a new tag today: TOTALLY AWESOME LAWSUITS. I’ll be using it any time a former employee uses it to make outrageous claims of a former employer, claims that — whether true or not — make for an amazing story. For example, did you know that Steven Seagal employs sex slaves? It’s allegedly true, according to the civil lawsuit filed by former model Kayden Nguyen against Seagal.

When [Nguyen] arrived [in New Orleans, where Seagal films A&E's "Lawman"], the lawsuit says, she discovered that Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian “attendants” who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven.

On that first night, Nguyen was ushered to a secluded house where Seagal was staying with his wife and the two young women. He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says, responding to her terror as he fondled and manhandled her by saying, “Relax, we won’t do anything special tonight … I’ll save that for another night.’”

She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills” and inflicting sexual acts on her until she sobbed…

I’m sorry, is that not normal?

The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat…

Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.

In Seagal’s defense, he hired a former model with a Vietnamese last name. I’m not saying it’s right to assume that hot Vietnamese women are hookers, but I’d like to think that the timelessness of lines from Full Metal Jacket are an admissible defense in court.

A reality television production company is suing A&E and Steven Seagal, claiming that they first approached Seagal with the possibility of doing a reality show and that the new show “Steven Seagal: Lawman” (AKA The Greatest Show Ever Made) was their idea.

“Seagal did not agree to sign anything in writing,” reads the suit, “but said that his handshake is his bond and that ‘we have a deal.’”

Oh man, someone’s never seen Jerry Maguire.

According to the suit, the producers initially pitched ideas to cable networks titled “Steven Seagal’s Sidekick” and “Kung Pow,” both of which featured wannabe action stars competing to become the actor’s protege.

A&E was interested in working with the actor, but wanted an idea that was more based in reality rather than something so clearly contrived. Plaintiffs claimed they proposed following Seagal’s real-life work as a New Orleans deputy sheriff and that A&E loved the idea. [THR]

I don’t know about their claims.  Steven Seagal is a good man, he wouldn’t do anything dishonest or in his own best self-interest.  Like when it was Steven Seagal Day at Planet Hollywood, and the clamoring masses couldn’t get into the chain restaurant because it was snowed in.  Steven Seagal donned his Native American-themed jacket, channeled the ancient spirits of the snow plow, and cleared that walkway in no time.  And this is only tangentially related, but his spirit animal is a circus bear.

OH MY GOD.  Must.  Stay. Calm.  Steven Seagal will star in a new A&E reality series that chronicles his actual service in the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in Louisiana.  Really.  Honest.  I swear to God.  This is not a joke.  From the press release:

Until now, Seagal has never sought publicity for his work with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office. However, over a span of almost two decades, he has regularly gone out on patrol and worked major cases. The series will allow fans to ride shotgun with Seagal as he and his hand-selected elite team of deputies respond to crimes-in-progress. [nola.com]

There are no words for this joy.  I want to go up to strangers on the street and give them hugs.  Because this reflects the simple genius of someone saying, “I like ‘Cops,’ but I’d like it better if Steven Seagal were one of the cops.”