MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” are abominations of television, because idiot teenagers who can’t figure out how to use a condom should be forced to live their simple, unhappy lives in anonymous trailer parks, not given their own TV shows. Unfortunately, my notion that the shows glamorize teen pregnancy is apparently wrong, as a study of falling teen pregnancy rates credits the reality shows for having an effect on the decline. Damn you, science!

The report specifically cites the popular “16 and Pregnant” series, indicating that 82 percent of the teens who watch it say the show helps them better understand the challenges of teen pregnancy and parenthood – and why they should avoid it.

“Entertainment media is one of the nation’s favorite punching bags, but we have to acknowledge that when we’re talking about teen pregnancies media can be and often is a force for good, and that is particularly true when it comes to shows like ’16 and Pregnant,’ ‘” says Bill Albert, a spokesman for the National Campaign. “Some critics say these shows glamorize teen pregnancy, but our survey data shows that’s not the case – that not only do they not glamorize it, but teens who have seen it suggest it makes the realities of teen parenthood more real to them.” [Christian Science Monitor]

Son of a bitch. It’s times like this that I wish I were a devout Christian. Those people are awesome at ignoring proof that their beliefs are wrong.

After conducting an experiment that examined monkeys’ brain waves, scientists have determined that macaque monkeys enjoy watching television. Meanwhile, my cock-monkeys have gone untreated.

The study found that when the monkey was witnessing the acrobatic performances of circus animals on a television screen, the frontal lobe area of its brain became vigorously active…

The study, which was published in Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, the Swiss online scientific journal, reflects the latest parallels between the physiological make-up of monkeys and humans. [Telegraph UK]

It’s only an early study, so there’s no word yet on whether the stupider monkeys who are inclined to date-rape other monkeys enjoy “Entourage,” but I think it’s a solid hypothesis.

A new study has found that young children who watch a lot of TV will be dumber, fatter, and more likely to exhibit poor behavior than children who play outside and participate in activities that keep them actively engaged. Behavioral scientists studied 1300 children over the span of seven years to come to these results, which you can read in next month’s New England Journal of DURR HURRR.

Each additional hour of TV that toddlers watch per week translates into poorer classroom behavior, lower math scores, less physical activity, and more snacking at age 10, according to a new study in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine…

Each additional hour spent in front of the TV per week at age two-and-a-half corresponded to a 7 percent decrease in classroom engagement, a 6 percent decrease in overall math achievement, and a 10 percent increase in being bullied by peers… TV watching also appeared to have negative effects on physical health, with each additional weekly hour resulting in a 9 percent decline in overall physical activity, a 9 percent increase in soft-drink consumption, a 10 percent increase in snacks eaten, and a 5 percent increase in body mass index. [CNN]

Here, let me save you seven years of work: TV is bad for kids. Groundbreaking work, Einstein. I’ve always suspected that kids who watch more TV eat more snacks, but FINALLY someone put the leg work in to find out HOW MANY MORE SNACKS. This oughta win the Nobel Prize. There’s a Nobel Prize for “obvious crap,” right?

Anyone who’s ever picked up a beginner’s psychology textbook is at least vaguely familiar with Stanley Milgram’s Yale experiment, in which ordinary people showed a frightening willingness to electrocute strangers under the guise of it being “for science.” Now, in a documentary shown on French television, people did the same thing — except the ruse wasn’t a science experiment, it was a reality TV show.

The documentary led 80 participants into thinking they were shooting a French pilot for a new reality TV series called Zone Xtreme (not a real show). In the fake show, fake “contestants” played by actors were forced to answer questions. If they answered incorrectly, one of the participants would be asked to give the contestant an electric shock. No shocks were actually administered; the actor contestants pretended to get electrocuted. Egged on by the beautiful TV hostess and an apparently bloodthirsty studio audience shouting “Punishment!,” only 16 of the 80 participants stopped before reaching the final, lethal 460 volt shock. People apparently kept up the shocks even when the contestant appeared to be dead or unresponsive. [slashfilm]

I guess this is supposed to prove something about human nature, or the evils of reality television or whatever, but c’mon, it’s France. Those people are dicks. Not that I’m blaming them. I’d actually like to see more reality TV contestants electrocuted to death. Lookin’ at you, everyone on VH1.

An Australian study conducted over the course of seven years has determined that people who watch four hours or more of television per day are 80% more likely to have a heart attack than people who watch two or hours or less. I was really eager to make fun of fatasses sitting in front of the TV because I’m relatively thin and in decent shape, but then the article hit me with this:

Every hour in a day spent engaged in sedentary behaviour such as watching TV or sitting at an office desk can increase the risk of having a heart attack or stroke by almost a fifth, according to Australian research.

This association appeared to hold regardless of other risk factors, including smoking, unhealthy diet and amount of exercise taken.

Aw man. The whole point of me exercising and not smoking is supposed to make up for the fact that I’m sitting behind a computer for at least ten hours a day. AND I’ve got a history of heart disease on my father’s side of the family. Thanks a lot, Dad. Way to sign my death warrant.

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