24 (Fox) — Season premiere. They’ve got a sexy new CTU in New York City for this day, with Katee Sackhoff and Freddie Prinze, Jr added to the cast. I hope there’s a crossover promotion for that new Harrison Ford movie, and Kiefer Sutherland says to Brendan Fraser, “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!” (Preview clip here.)

Be Good Johnny Weir (Sundance) — Series premiere. Olympic ice skater Johnny Weir does… uhhh… I don’t know, exactly. Watch the trailer below. I promise you won’t regret it. Spoiler alert: Iiiiit’s faaaaaabuloooooousss! (more at With Leather)

Life Unexpected (The CW) — Series premiere. A 15-year-old orphan goes to live with her 31-year-old birth mother who put her up for adoption. Awkward! Watch a preview clip here.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — Amanda Peet guest stars. I held the door for her on the subway once. No makeup, sweats, holding her toddler — and I still kept running the nude scene in The Whole Nine Yards in my head. I’m an awful person.

The Buried Life (MTV) — Series premiere. I’m astounded by how not-crappy this looks. It’s about four guys who go around doing what amounts to a “bucket list,” but along the way they help other people fulfill their dreams. I don’t get it. Is MTV playing a prank on us? Where are the spoiled teenage girls acting irresponsibly?

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Green Porno — a series of short films about animal reproduction written, directed, and starring Isabella Rossellini — made a bit of a splash in the news when it debuted a year ago.  Well, Season 2 is online at the Sundance Channel, and… well, just watch the Why Vagina episode and get back to me.  An excerpt:

If I were a female — any female — I would want to protect my precious eggs.  I would want to hide them in a hole, and I would want that hole to be in a place hard to reach. **puts hand over vagina, grins creepily** Unless I want you to reach me.

**begins walking through forest of papier-mâché penises** Penises.  Different penises.  All trying to get as close as possible to my eggs.  BUT… I would have a tunnel.  And it would be a labyrinth.  It would be intricate.  It would be unique.  It would be species-specific, so that I’m not screwed by a bear.

This was on “The Soup” a week ago, and I’ve watched it about four more times since finding it online, and that line hasn’t gotten any less awesome.  However, if I’ve learned anything at The Manhole, not having a vagina won’t stop a bear from screwing you.

Press the button.  C’mon, I earned it.

[TiFaux]