In what has to be the worst idea since, well, last year’s Super Bowl (Black Eyed Peas), the NFL committee of out-of-touch dunderheads have, in their infinite wisdom, officially chosen 53-year-old Madonna to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show in Indianapolis this year, and by “perform” I mean: take the starting team of each football squad (the Pats vs. Packers, obvs.) behind the bleachers for spankings.

The gig has been rumored for months, but on Sunday night the NFL confirmed that Madonna will make her Super Bowl debut in an extravaganza that will be “imagined” by Cirque du Soleil and her longtime choreographer/creative director Jamie King. (Source: MTV)

A heady combination of Cirque du Soleil, Vogueing, and “Papa Don’t Preach” is precisely what 100 million people at home drunk on Coors Light and Doritos needs to push them into their beer coma. Word is, during the finale, she’ll play “Like a Prayer,” make out with Britney Spears and hump the goal post while special guest star Tim Tebow kneels at the 50-yard line and prays for it all to go away.

If you like watching highlights of TV commercials, then this is the Internet mash-up for you: all 61 of the Super Bowl commercials in one two-minute blitz (created by AdWeek, video below). It’s smoothly and smartly edited (with a nice collection of the widespread slapstick violence at the 1:20 mark), and it reminded me of how many of the commercials I enjoyed besides my list of the best five. All in all, it was a pretty great year for Super Bowl ads. I just wish advertising agencies would try to make something creative and entertaining the other 364 days a year. But I suppose that’s what DVR is for.

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Not only was Sunday’s Super Bowl the most-watched television program in history, but Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl drew an astonishing 9.2 million viewers as well. EW’s James Hibberd looks inside the numbers:

Mind you, that 9.2 million is spread across all 12 hours of Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl VII Sunday marathon. It’s one episode repeated over and over again, not an actual 12-hour show — which would require supplying the pups with a steady dose of Adderall to maintain the necessary level of perky adorableness.

He’s clearly never owned a puppy. They’re adorable 24/7, and I’d be happy to watch a Puppy Bowl in which the puppies got tired and fell asleep.

Also the marathon started at 3 p.m.; isn’t there something kind of weird/sad about somebody watching frolicking puppies at 2:30 in the morning? [Absolutely not. - Ed.] The actual premiere airing drew 1.7 million. Those numbers are also up 60 percent from last year.

Of course, there’s no mention in there of the Kitten Halftime show. I’m sure that drew some viewers away from the Black Eyed Peas’ halftime show because of the cuteness. Better music, too.

Anyway, if you didn’t check in with the Puppy Bowl for at least a couple minutes during Super Bowl Sunday, at least do yourself the favor of checking out these pictures from the event. HNNNNNGGGH SO CUTE. My dream job is referee for the Puppy Bowl. Job, hell. I’d pay for that gig.

The Super Bowl ratings are in, and good news, America… WE DID IT! Confuse me with numbers, THR:

Super Bowl XLV Sunday night on Fox had a 47.9 metered market rating, tying with the 1987 Super Bowl as the highest rated ever in the metered markets, according to preliminary ratings from Fox Sports.

Wait, tying the 1987 Super Bowl? Tying. That’s like kissing your sister, or sticking your large hands in your boyfriend’s mouth to feed him popcorn as 100 million people watch in horror. Or something. And, look, I know “metered market” is an important TV term, but it’s not something Joe Sixpack-of-Miller-Light-Drinkers-Who-Order-Miller-Light-Because-The-TV-Says-Other-Beers-Are-For-Homosexuals like me can wrap our heads around. Spoon feed me, TV Squad:

Not only is Super Bowl XLV the most watched game ever, but it is the most-watched program in TV history.

More than 111 million viewers tuned in to see the Green Bay Packers go up against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

(*streamers fall from ceiling of apartment*) WHOO-HOO! USA! USA! USA!

It’s not all super fantastic news on the ratings, though. The post Super Bowl broadcast of “Glee” pulled in 26.8 million viewers, good for the show’s best ratings ever, but a 31 percent drop off from last year’s showing of “Undercover Boss.” It’s almost like airing a show totally at odds with the typical football, dudebrahbrodude demo right after the biggest football game of the year isn’t a good idea. I know, I’m shocked too.

Maybe next year they’ll listen to me and air my new reality show where flat-chested women compete in a billiards tournament, with the winner receiving free breast implants. I call it, “Rack ‘Em.”

Christina Aguilera messed up “The Star-Spangled Banner,” singing “what so proudly we watched, at the twilight’s last reaming” instead of the correct words, “o’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming,” and looking like she was trying to take a dump on the 50-yard line while doing so.

I considered making the entire body of this post the word “viral” copy and pasted about six-hundred times, because this is the exact kind of thing people like to watch a few seconds of and go laugh about it with their friends as though they somehow experienced it themselves.

Messing up the National Anthem is pretty unforgivable if you’re a professional singer. If a teen girl comes out at a hockey game and slips and busts her ass, forgive her, she’s a slippery teen. Aguilera had plenty of time to practice and/or learn how to read before this game as I’m sure they didn’t just drag her in from the stands at the last minute. Also, pretty sure she’s sung this before. Barking dogs have sung this before. I don’t believe her excuse, that she got caught up in her love of country:

“I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.”

Nope. Maybe you should’ve tried to sing it exactly like Lady Gaga, that might’ve worked!

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