If you aren’t familiar with the profoundly dumb but exhilaratingly awesome SyFy original movies — like Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Komodo vs. Cobra or Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep — then either you don’t smoke enough weed or, more likely, you have a job. They are glorious movie mash-ups starring the likes of Tiffany (of “I Think We’re Alone Now” fame), Debbie Gibson, Tara Reid, and a number of other stars who exist somewhere between the D-list and their eventual drug overdose. The budgets are under $12 and the special effects are done on MS Paint, but the kills are plenty and the campiness is divine.

Enter Tracey Gold, she of “Growing Pains” and eating disorders and Lifetime movies about domestic abuse and .. eating disorders. Tracey Gold, looking to tap into that lucrative unemployed stoner market, has signed on to the latest, and it’s a doozy: Arachnoquake.

Bug Hall (The Little Rascals), Ethan Phillips (Star Trek: Voyager) and Edward Furlong (Terminator 2: Judgment Day) round out the cast in the telepic that features giant albino spiders, freed from their ancient subterranean prison who go on a killing spree in New Orleans after a massive earthquake.

Albino spiders! Earthquakes! The kid from Terminator 2 who is fat now! A guy named Bug! And Tracey Flipping Gold! Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yes! All it needs now is a lesbian make-out scene with Candace Cameron-Bure and a midget toss, but I guess you have to save something for the sequel.

(Source: THR)

OH, so I was talking to Tony “The Big Bologna” Carconi here and I sees on the Entertainment Weekly that…OK, no more of that. It’s fun talking in Italian-American for about three seconds, then you begin to feel WASP’y and want some gabagool — and it’s way too early for some gabagool. Anyways, EW broke the news yesterday that SyFy’s next monster-hybrid thing will be called:

“Jersey Shore Shark Attack” unfolds during the July Fourth weekend at – where else? — the Jersey Shore, where rare swarms of sharks are converging due to illegal underwater drilling. Now the angry sharks are on a rampage, devouring residents, and leaving it up to the locals to try and save the day.

Best of all, it’s set to star Tony Sirico (“The Sopranos”), Paul Sorvino (Goodfellas), Jack Scalia (“Dallas”), Joey Fatone (‘N Sync), and William Atherton (Die Hard). That’s an extremely promising start, but I can’t help but feel the producers could have cast a few more Italian-American stereotypes to be eaten by giant sharks.

I’ve included some helpful suggestions — with photographic evidence — after the jump. Please share yours, too.

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Actor Jaleel White — don’t call him Urkel, he hates that — will host a new Syfy series called “Total Blackout.” It’s basically the same thing as ABC’s “Love in the Dark,” minus the love.

The a comedic game show in which contestants battle each other and their fears in a series of challenges. However, there is a twist — all the challenges are played in complete darkness. There are no lights, no blindfolds and no-holds barred as the players face their fears and unexpected surprises in a series of nerve-wracking games. [Accidental Sexiness via TV Tattle]

The show will begin production in L.A. next week, but there’s no premiere date set yet. I’ll let you know when it airs so you can be sure to have dinner plans that night.

We scoff, but at least this is steady, legitimate work. It’s hard out there for ’90s TV nerds. I saw Dustin Diamond begging for change on the subway the other day and gave him 25 cents. I’m kidding, of course. I would never give a panhandler money.

(image via BuzzFeed)

Some show called “Eureka” has been canceled, according to a report from EW. The show, supposedly about characters with clothes, some of whom may have had a large gun or were possibly pregnant at one point, allegedly aired on Syfy for five seasons, and last week the cable network ordered six episodes of a sixth season. However, Syfy changed its mind and made a statement canceling the show outright:

After painstaking consideration, we have had to make the difficult business decision to not order a season six of Eureka. But Eureka is not over yet. There is a new holiday episode this December and 12 stellar episodes set to debut next year, marking its fifth season and six memorable years on Syfy. The 2012 episodes are some of the best we’ve seen, and will bring this great series to a satisfying end.

“This is devastating news,” said a theoretical person who watched this show, assuming its existence is not a giant hoax.

Desperate to stay ahead of the curve on geeky monster crazes, Syfy has acquired the rights to “Lost Girl,” a supernatural drama about a bisexual woman who discovers that she’s a succubus (watch the trailer below).

The network is adding to its lineup two seasons of Lost Girl, starring Anna Silk (The Ghost Whisperer) as Bo, a demon seductress who feeds off sexual energy. Raised by human parents, Bo had no idea she was any different until she accidentally “drained” her first boyfriend to death.

She hits the road and discovers she’s a member of a group that feeds off human energy, and she must choose between joining the light and dark clans. [EW]

So let me get this straight. The show’s about a sexy bisexual sex monster played by someone named “Anna Silk,” and it’s NOT a porn? I hope someone got fired for that creative oversight.

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