If you aren’t familiar with the profoundly dumb but exhilaratingly awesome SyFy original movies — like Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Komodo vs. Cobra or Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep — then either you don’t smoke enough weed or, more likely, you have a job. They are glorious movie mash-ups starring the likes of Tiffany (of “I Think We’re Alone Now” fame), Debbie Gibson, Tara Reid, and a number of other stars who exist somewhere between the D-list and their eventual drug overdose. The budgets are under $12 and the special effects are done on MS Paint, but the kills are plenty and the campiness is divine.

Enter Tracey Gold, she of “Growing Pains” and eating disorders and Lifetime movies about domestic abuse and .. eating disorders. Tracey Gold, looking to tap into that lucrative unemployed stoner market, has signed on to the latest, and it’s a doozy: Arachnoquake.

Bug Hall (The Little Rascals), Ethan Phillips (Star Trek: Voyager) and Edward Furlong (Terminator 2: Judgment Day) round out the cast in the telepic that features giant albino spiders, freed from their ancient subterranean prison who go on a killing spree in New Orleans after a massive earthquake.

Albino spiders! Earthquakes! The kid from Terminator 2 who is fat now! A guy named Bug! And Tracey Flipping Gold! Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yes! All it needs now is a lesbian make-out scene with Candace Cameron-Bure and a midget toss, but I guess you have to save something for the sequel.

(Source: THR)

OH, so I was talking to Tony “The Big Bologna” Carconi here and I sees on the Entertainment Weekly that…OK, no more of that. It’s fun talking in Italian-American for about three seconds, then you begin to feel WASP’y and want some gabagool — and it’s way too early for some gabagool. Anyways, EW broke the news yesterday that SyFy’s next monster-hybrid thing will be called:

“Jersey Shore Shark Attack” unfolds during the July Fourth weekend at – where else? — the Jersey Shore, where rare swarms of sharks are converging due to illegal underwater drilling. Now the angry sharks are on a rampage, devouring residents, and leaving it up to the locals to try and save the day.

Best of all, it’s set to star Tony Sirico (“The Sopranos”), Paul Sorvino (Goodfellas), Jack Scalia (“Dallas”), Joey Fatone (‘N Sync), and William Atherton (Die Hard). That’s an extremely promising start, but I can’t help but feel the producers could have cast a few more Italian-American stereotypes to be eaten by giant sharks.

I’ve included some helpful suggestions — with photographic evidence — after the jump. Please share yours, too.

Actor Jaleel White — don’t call him Urkel, he hates that — will host a new Syfy series called “Total Blackout.” It’s basically the same thing as ABC’s “Love in the Dark,” minus the love.

The a comedic game show in which contestants battle each other and their fears in a series of challenges. However, there is a twist — all the challenges are played in complete darkness. There are no lights, no blindfolds and no-holds barred as the players face their fears and unexpected surprises in a series of nerve-wracking games. [Accidental Sexiness via TV Tattle]

The show will begin production in L.A. next week, but there’s no premiere date set yet. I’ll let you know when it airs so you can be sure to have dinner plans that night.

We scoff, but at least this is steady, legitimate work. It’s hard out there for ’90s TV nerds. I saw Dustin Diamond begging for change on the subway the other day and gave him 25 cents. I’m kidding, of course. I would never give a panhandler money.

(image via BuzzFeed)

Some show called “Eureka” has been canceled, according to a report from EW. The show, supposedly about characters with clothes, some of whom may have had a large gun or were possibly pregnant at one point, allegedly aired on Syfy for five seasons, and last week the cable network ordered six episodes of a sixth season. However, Syfy changed its mind and made a statement canceling the show outright:

After painstaking consideration, we have had to make the difficult business decision to not order a season six of Eureka. But Eureka is not over yet. There is a new holiday episode this December and 12 stellar episodes set to debut next year, marking its fifth season and six memorable years on Syfy. The 2012 episodes are some of the best we’ve seen, and will bring this great series to a satisfying end.

“This is devastating news,” said a theoretical person who watched this show, assuming its existence is not a giant hoax.

Desperate to stay ahead of the curve on geeky monster crazes, Syfy has acquired the rights to “Lost Girl,” a supernatural drama about a bisexual woman who discovers that she’s a succubus (watch the trailer below).

The network is adding to its lineup two seasons of Lost Girl, starring Anna Silk (The Ghost Whisperer) as Bo, a demon seductress who feeds off sexual energy. Raised by human parents, Bo had no idea she was any different until she accidentally “drained” her first boyfriend to death.

She hits the road and discovers she’s a member of a group that feeds off human energy, and she must choose between joining the light and dark clans. [EW]

So let me get this straight. The show’s about a sexy bisexual sex monster played by someone named “Anna Silk,” and it’s NOT a porn? I hope someone got fired for that creative oversight.

There are few things I love more than Syfy’s Roger Corman-produced hybrid monster B-movies. Corman’s brilliantly lowbrow Dinoshark and Sharktopus flicks inspired me to make a series of my own hybrid monsters, and no other channel has the balls to resurrect the ghosts of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany while Mega Python and Gatoroid are locked in a battle royale.

That brings us to the newest creation in the Corman/Syfy hopper: Piranhaconda! Part piranha, part anaconda, ALL PIRANHACONDA!

The Corman-produced movie stars Michael Madsen and Rachel Hunter. Logline: “A low-budget horror movie crew, inept kidnappers and a reptile expert battle a monstrous anaconda/piranha hybrid in the Amazon jungle.” No air date yet set. [EW]

Oh, Michael Madsen. You couldn’t have waited another two months until the next time Quentin Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez made a movie? On the other hand, I can see where he’s coming from: I’d happily get eaten by a CGI Piranhadactyl Rex if it meant sharing a trailer with Rachel Hunter. Honey, I’ll help you forget you ever saw Rod Stewart naked. *pulls out frying pan*

Justified (FX) – I want to be very clear about something. If I ever happen across the actor who played the bank robber in last week’s episode who kicked my precious Winona in the face, I will tear him limb from limb. You may argue he was just playing the role as written, and may very well be a nice man with a good heart. I don’t care. He knew what he signed on for when he took the part.

Modern Family (ABC) – In tonight’s episode, Luke befriends a curmudgeonly neighbor, played by Philip Baker Hall. I’m not the biggest “Seinfeld” fan in the world, but Hall’s turn as Mr. Bookman, the library cop, resulted in one of my favorite television scenes ever.  Ha, “pee pees and wee wees.”

American Idol (FOX) – Tonight, the finalists perform Motown songs. This infuriates me.

American Greed (CNBC) – I watched a bunch of these one night. It’s amazing how many people get caught by leaving files out/open that are essentially labeled “Crimes I am currently committing.”  The nice part is that now I’m like 85% sure I could run an incredible Ponzi scheme. Thanks, CNBC!

Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files (Syfy) – Spoiler alert: faked. All of them. Faked by giant fakers who faked their way through Fakeyfaketown State University, where they got their fake degree in Fakeology. Except for Ouija boards. I’m pretty sure those are real. My brother’s friend’s cousin’s dad told him so.  But he also went to Fakeyfaketown State, so take that with a grain of salt.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jake Gyllenhaal on Kimmel; Ben Stiller, Dario Franchitti, and The Strokes on Letterman; Vanessa Hudgens (who, for the record, seems like a blast to hang out with) and “Real World” alum/WWE Champ The Miz on Conan; Jim Parsons on Ferguson; Trey Parker and Matt Stone on Fallon (also, Bootsy Collins jams with The Roots); and Carol Burnett on Leno. Timely, Jay. Full listings at TV Squad.

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) – The much-anticipated series premiere… on Halloween night.  OO-ooo-OO.  Spooky.  I’ll watch it alone though, because I’m a big strong man, who’s not afrai–ZOMG WHAT’S THAT SOUND?! (*shrieks, uses cat as shield*).

CSI: Miami (CBS, Sunday) – From TVGuide.com, “Natalia goes undercover when a man claims to have dreamed about a murder before it happened…”  Said Horatio, “Natalia, when you’re done I need you to figure out who stole our missing multicultural hiring results.  I call it the case of the… (*sunglasses*)… ripped off Minority Report.”

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday) – I’m two full episodes behind on this show, and not happy about it.  Well, not two full episodes behind.  I have seen the nude scenes, naturally.  Don’t worry, I’ll punish myself later (click image to animate.)

The Soup (E!, Friday) – Has anyone else noticed that Joel McHale’s hair is spiked off to the right (the viewer’s left), and he always leans his head that way?  My two-part working theory is that his hair is exceptionally heavy and that I need to go back on the OCD meds.

Holmes on Homes (HGTV, Sunday) – This show badly needs a Mexican sidekick, if for no other reason than to have him say, “Holmes on homes, holmes.”  Also, cheap labor.

Red: Werewolf Hunter (SyFy, Friday) – Wait.  Just a werewolf?  Come on SyFy, you can do better than that.  How about “Werewolftopus,” or “Weregator,” or “Sharktobearopuswolf.”  At least tell me there will be crappy CGI.  I don’t want to live in a world where your movies don’t feature unnecessarily dangerous animal hybrids OR cut-rate special effects.

From Syfy, the cable network that specializes in creating made-for-TV movies solely on the concept of sharks being in slightly incongruous places (“Sharks in Venice”), comes “Swamp Shark,” which I can safely assume is the last step before executives force “Backyard Kiddie Pool Shark” and “23 oz. Can Of Arizona Iced Tea Shark” on us.

In a small Louisiana town on the Atchafalaya Basin, a local drunk is found mangled to bits, his death blamed on the Broussard family’s pack of “escaped” alligators. But Rachel Broussard claims to have seen the fin of a shark in the swamps. She begins the hunt find the creature to clear her name and prevent the deaths of hundreds set to fill the river for Gator Fest. But can she stop the “Swamp Shark” in time for Gator Fest? [io9]

Is that how the bayou works? Do the upper-crust families there maintain their own stable of alligators (those being the regional analog to horses)? Are spoiled children spending their formative years receiving tony gator riding lessons?

Supposedly, this is intended more as an homage to Jaws than a straight-up rip-off. Whatevs. I’m fine with it so long as a character loudly proclaims that they’re gonna need a bigger po’ boy.

“Caprica” is Syfy’s “Battlestar Galactica” prequel that has a small but loyal following, and this is the trailer that debuted at Comic-Con for what’s being called “Season 1.5.” Why is it being called Season 1.5? you ask. I could probably find out, but I don’t really care. It’s the sort of things that regular TV-watchers would be put off by, but sci-fi geeks have no problem saying things like, “I’m really excited for Season One and a Half.” What can I say, nerds love fractions.

Anyway, the first minute or so of the trailer was astoundingly dull to me, but then we got a little more of Eric Stoltz — who’s always watchable — plus more action, Cylons, and hot-ass hipster pygmy Alessandra Torresani. I don’t like to make assumptions about people I’ve never met, but she seems like the kind of girl who can shoot a ping-pong ball out of her vagina. Perhaps that’s just wishful thinking. “You can saaaaay I’m a dreamer / But I’m not the only one…”

(Images 2-5 are high-res. To view them full-size, click the thumbnail, then right-click the image and select the appropriate viewing option.)