Outside the Dusty Vaj Saloon

The four stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross, and Eva Longoria — are close to finalizing a deal that will pay them each more than $300,000 an episode to continue the ABC dramedy for an eighth season, with a network option for a ninth season that would raise their pay even higher.

With the quartet on board, ABC will renew the show for an eighth season, though it is unclear whether that will happen right away or closer to the May upfronts.

[The stars'] new base salary would be around $325,000 per episode, up from about $275,000 under their most recent deals. (Reports have erroneously pegged their previous salaries at $400,000.) With additional compensation, including back-end and bonuses, the actresses’ paychecks are expected to go up as high as $375,000 per episode. If their options for Season 9 are exercised, their base salary is slated to go up to around $350,000, plus other incentives. If Desperate Housewives goes to nine seasons, which has been creator Marc Cherry’s vision for the show, the four leading ladies’ entire compensation package for the next two seasons is valued at close to $18 million for each. [Deadline]

Listen, it’s awesome that there’s a show that stars actresses who not so long ago would have been considered too old to headline a big-time network drama. Hooray feminism! Furthermore, as we learned from Charlie Sheen, there’s nothing equitable or explicable about TV salaries and the worth of the actors who earn them.

But I think what blows my mind about this is that I don’t know a single person who watches this show. My mom is too intelligent and a little too old to be in the target demographic, and every other woman I know is hip and has taste. But somewhere out there in this great big country of ours are nine million 48-year-old women who apparently watch “Desperate Housewives.” And so I’ll say it again: I should be put in charge of population control in the United States. I’d make fascism way cooler than it’s ever been.

Teri Hatcher’s big break came in 1993, when she was cast as Lois in “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.” This may be hard to believe for you young’uns, but she was one of the sexiest women of the ’90s (I keep telling everyone I know that it was a crappy decade). Really, it’s true. She was one of the most famous and memorable girlfriends on “Seinfeld.” She even beat out Monica Bellucci to be a Bond girl, a decision that I hope resulted in someone being eaten alive by wild dogs.

And now, ravaged by time and Botox, Hatcher will play Lois Lane’s mother on “Smallville.”

For the show’s 10th and final season, producers have scored perhaps their biggest (maybe even the biggest possible) casting coup: They’ve snagged erstwhile Lois Lane Teri Hatcher to play mom to Erica Durance’s Lois Lane!

I know what you’re thinking: But Lois’ mom, Ella, is dead! Follow along now… In episode 8, titled “Abandoned,” Lois discovers old videotapes of her mother. I think you can figure the rest out for yourself. [Ausiello] [Ed. Note: Good God, do I wanna kick that guy in the balls.]

I suppose I can’t feel too bad for Hatcher, what with all the crazy cash she’s making on “Desperate Housewives.” I mean, at least she’s still working. When reached for comment, Dean Cain said, “Hey baby, you ever been jacked off by Superman? C’mon, don’t walk away, it’ll be the best ten bucks you ever spend.”

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Michael Jackson actually looks pretty good here (via)

Teri Hatcher did NOT try to kill Conan O’Brien (probably), but she was present when the “Tonight Show” host suffered a concussion while taping Friday’s show. O’Brien was taken to the hospital, and NBC aired a re-run.

Teri tells Lara she recently finished a triathalon [sic], so she and Conan were taping a bit based on that for “The Tonight Show.”

“We did this bit and at the very end, when we ran in to cross the finish line, he slipped as he was crossing the finish line and hit his head,” Teri says.

“He didn’t get off floor right away, but then he [seemed] like he recovered and [pulled] it together, and they did an instant replay, and you could really see his head hit the floor.” She continues, “He did go to the hospital and he does have a concussion.” [ET]

Thankfully, Conan’s okay and will be back at work with a new episode airing tonight. But that monster Teri Hatcher remains on the loose, overturning garbage cans, killing neighborhood pets, and injuring beloved late-night hosts. It’s time that we citizens took the law into our own hands. We need a hero. A hero with a gas can, a working knowledge  of explosives, and a map to the “Desperate Housewives” set.

As previously reported, “Desperate Housewives” planned to Durst the shark with lesbian kisses between its aging stars, and on Sunday night the big gay smooches finally happened.  The NY Post’s LIVE blog even got us the images, although I’m afraid it may be too edgy and sexy for most readers.

When Susan (Teri Hatcher) invites her boss Jessie (Swoosie Kurtz) over for dinner, Jessie misreads Susan’s intentions and plants a lingering kiss on the housewife.

After, Susan turns to her neighbors for some friendly advice on the touchy subject. Gabby (Eva Longoria Parker) locks lips with Susan – twice – to help demonstrate the difference between an innocent, and an intended, kiss on her confused gal pal.

Oh, no!  My monitor’s fogging up from that steamy, illicit news!  This is hardly the wholesome family entertainment I expect from ABC.  I have no choice now but to boycott “Desperate Housewives.”  By which I mean “continue not watching it.”

“Desperate Housewives” is the latest show to jump up and down and wave its arms to get your attention, as it has employed the classic last gasp to avoid cancellation: the lesbian kiss.  The once-hot Teri Hatcher and the always annoying Eva Longoria will share an unsexy kiss in an upcoming episode.  Because what suburban neighborhood doesn’t have moms kissing each other?

“I did not kiss her. She kissed me,” Hatcher told Us. “We had fun.”

(Parker previously told Us, “Well, I’m a great kisser. She was not supposed to kiss back, so she was kind of just there, and I had to do all the work.)

I despise the term jump the shark, so I think it’s time that we supplanted it with lesbian kiss.  Like, “Man, ‘Lost’ really lesbian kissed with the time travel stuff.”  Or, “I enjoyed ‘The O.C.’ until it lesbian kissed.”  Not that lesbian kissing is a bad thing.  I just prefer to watch it on the Internet.  In my room.  By myself.