Smash (NBC) – Series premiere. As all six loyal NBC viewers can attest, the network has been pushing the mess out of this musical drama. I have made an executive decision that I will watch this show. I have also made an executive decision that Katharine McPhee is very, very pretty (see inset, part of this new GQ profile).

How I Met Your Mother/2 Broke Girls/Two and a Half Men/Mike & Molly (CBS) – The two worst shows in CBS’s Monday night lineup have the number two in them. “Number two” also means poop. I am very perceptive.

Alcatraz (FOX) – Did they ever catch that dinosaur in “Lost”? If I ever caught a dinosaur, I would name him Ozzie.

The Bachelor (ABC) – Apparently Whatshisnose has a date with one girl on a deserted island tonight. I bet he gets lucky. You know, because of “the implication.” Also because these girls seem pretty easy.

Pretty Little Liars/The Lying Game (ABC Family) – “ABC Family, the worldwide leader in dishonesty-based programming.”

Gossip Girl/Hart of Dixie (CW) – As far as I can tell, every male character on “Gossip Girl” is pretty much just Oliver from “The O.C.” And when I say “As far as I can tell,” what I mean is “Based almost entirely on snippets of conversations I’ve overheard while navigating Old Navy.”

Finding Bigfoot (Animal Planet) – SPOILER ALERT: No dice.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: LL Cool J and Pitbull on Kimmel; Sarah Michelle Gellar on Letterman; Mark Harmon and Martha Plimpton on Ferguson; The Rock on Fartface McGee; Kristen Bell and Bret McKenzie (Flight of the Concords) on Conan

"UNHAND ME, YOU SCOUNDRELS!"

Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to a Golden Girl (NBC) – This 90-minute tribute leads into White’s new hidden camera prank show, Off Their Rockers, where White and a team of fellow senior citizens try to trick unsuspecting rubes. My sincere hope is that this show becomes a massive hit and leads to widespread distrust of old people who are seeking assistance in public. “What? You need help with your groceries? Fat chance, ma’am. You won’t be making a boob out of me! [storms off]”

Alcatraz (FOX) – Two-hour series premiere of the J.J. Abrahms-produced drama centered around strange events at the notorious San Francisco prison. Unless this features Nic Cage screaming “Whaddaya say we cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE?” right into Sean Connery’s face, I’m not interested.

The Bachelor (ABC) – It has been brought to my attention that, as a fan of bonkers, trainwreck television, I should be watching this show. I will take it under advisement.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Lily and Marshall move to the suburbs. Ted presumably drones on and on about white picket fences for upwards of half the show.

The Lying Game (ABC Family) – OO OO, I WANNA PLAY! Here we go. Ready? “I will totally watch this show.” What do I win? I hope it’s a steak.

The Layover (Travel) – Anthony Bourdain samples food and drink around London on his new travel show. I want to say something mean about how crappy English food is, but I’ve never been there and Guy Fieri has like five shows here in America, so I’ll just back away slowly.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kate Beckinsale and Steven Merchant on Conan; Simon Baker and Elizabeth Banks on Letterman; Liam Neeson and Piers Morgan on Fallon; Lucy Liu and Kevin Sorbo on Ferguson; Melissa McCarthy and Rick Perry on Butthead McGoo; and Don Cheade, David Cross, and Boyz II Men are on a rerun of Kimmel, which I am only including so I can post a Boyz II Men video after the jump. You all know how the game is played.

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The Bachelor (ABC) – My “Recently Viewed” on IMDb includes “The Bachelor,” “Toddlers & Tiaras,” Gary Busey, Tarzan the Ape Man, and Jake Lloyd, of The Phantom Menace “fame.” Honestly, “The Bachelor” is the one I feel the most shameful about. (Banner pic courtesy of Forever Alone.)

Castle (ABC) – Do you ever feel guilty about not watching a show, even though an actor or actress you love from another role is the star of it? That’s how I am with “Castle,” which I’ve never seen an entire episode of, because Mal Reynolds, from “Firefly,” is one of my favorite TV characters. Tonight…won’t be the night I tune in, though. Blazing Saddles is on.

BCS Championship Game: Alabama vs. LSU (ESPN) – After tonight, we can stop pretending to care about college football and solely focus our attention on the only pigskin that matters: ARENA FOOTBALL. Are you as excited about the March 9th season-opening clash between the Pittsburgh Power (featuring Ike Taylor, probably) and Orlando Predators as I am? RIP Albany Firebirds.

Mobster Confessions (Discovery) – The episode description reads, “A New York street thug becomes entranced by the power of the Gambino crime family, until they turn on him.” Just once, I want that sentence to end with, “…until they turn on him, to give him some puppies and candy.”

Caged (MTV) – Props to Clinton from Badtvblog for the pic after the jump. “Caged,” a reality show about a bunch of Louisiana kids fighting in, well, cages, could really use an appearance from Castor Troy himself. Or at the very least, the show’s dialogue should be nothing but quotes from Nicholas Cage movies. “PUNCHING ME WON’T BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMN HONEY.”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Mark Wahlberg, Heather Morris, and Snow Patrol on Letterman; Janet Jackson (washed up musician – check), Larry the Cable Guy (terrible comedian – check), and Eli Young Band (awful band –check, and mate) on Leno; C-Tates, Ben Flajnik, and Uh Huh Her (that sounds like the worst thing ever) on Kimmel; Howie Mandel and Randy Houser on Ferguson; Mark Wahlberg (again…), Napoleon Dynamite (the cast, I think?), and Surfer Blood on Fallon; David Cross, Seth Green, and Gavin DeGraw on Conan; George Lucas on Stewart; and Melissa Harris-Perry on Colbert.

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Ashley Hebert, this past season’s “Bachelorette,” could have easily pulled aside finalist Ben Flajnik and told him that she was going to choose J.P. Rosenbaum. Instead, she allowed Ben to go through with his proposal, which she swatted away like Dikembe Mutombo in his prime. “NOT IN MY HOUSE!” said Ashley, flexing for the cameras as Ben’s heart broke in front of a national TV audience.

But it’s gonna work out just fine for Ben, who will star in the next season of “The Bachelor” and get his choice of 25 women, at least 20 of whom will have bigger boobs than Ashley.

The 28-year-old California winemaker was dissed by Bachelorette Ashley Hebert this summer, and it seems things didn’t work out between him and Jennifer Love Hewitt on their apparent recent date (“Rumors are rumors … we did meet, but totally by coincidence,” she insisted to Ryan Seacrest.) But Flajnik will have the ladies lining up in January if all goes according to the network’s current intentions. [EW]

Golly, it’s so good to hear that this tall California winemaker with a careless tumble of curly brown locks is going to get another chance at love. He probably would’ve spent the rest of his life alone if ABC didn’t toss him this life preserver.

There’s a never-ending — and problematic — discussion about the “best show on television.” In my mind, the best television show is the one that’s superior to all others in terms of narrative arc, character development, writing, cinematography, acting, originality, and so on. You know: the best. However, a lot of critics seem to think the “best” means “my favorite,” which is the only possible excuse for the egregious, putrid, and moronic claims you’re about to read.

Because there are certain shows that are okay to call the best: “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” certainly. “Friday Night Lights” and “Parks and Recreation,” sure, those aren’t unreasonable opinions. “Community” and “Louie”? Totally defensible. Everyone, of course, is entitled to their opinion—but not if they claim that “Chuck” is better than “Justified.” There’s a line. There are certain shows — some good, some truly awful — that various critics and bloggers have deemed to be the Best Show on Television. On the following pages are ten of the worst selections, with excerpted quotes to damn them.

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