There are a few news items and updates floating around right now that don’t really require a full post, so I’m going to knock them out here real quick-like. After that, it’s back to your steady diet of funny game show answers and boobs.

Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette – Two things about this story: 1) They’re making a big deal about her having a 6-year-old kid, making her the first single mom Bachelorette. Now, I have a strict “don’t tell people how to raise their kids unless they put them on TLC” policy, but I will say this: I really wouldn’t have wanted to watch my mom play kissyface on TV with like a million dudes when I was six. Nope. Not at all. 2) When playing up her tough love life, they’ve been equating her fiancé (and child’s father) dying in a plane crash with the fact that she broke up with the one Bachelor dude after the show. Stop that. [ABC]

Tracy Morgan had a weird time at Sundance – The “30 Rock” star passed out, was rushed to the hospital, and left Utah with an oxygen tank due to an adverse reaction to the altitude. Supposedly. The important thing about this story is that “Oxygen Tanks” would be a great headline if Oprah’s channel ever goes bankrupt. Dibs. [TMZ]

Paula Deen’s publicist quit over Deen hawking diabetes medicine – “Although we had a great deal of fun along the way, I could not agree with the new business strategy going forward. Nonetheless, I wish them continued success.” I ran this through my publicist translator, and it spit out “Paula Deen is such a terrible and offensive hypocrite that I’m quitting even though she makes me a sh-tload of money.” I don’t often praise publicists, but kudos to you, ma’am. [NY Post]

Jay Leno’s right to tell lazy, offensive jokes is protected by the First Amendment – So I guess Jay Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple of Amritsar in India and said it was Mitt Romney’s summer home. HAHA GOOD ONE, JAY! It justifiably made a group of Indian Sikhs kind of upset, but the U.S. State Department came out and said it was protected First Amendment speech, which is true. Here ends the saga of Latenight McFartypants and the Bill of Rights. [BBC]

Thank you for bearing with me. Here is a picture of a cupcake with a peanut butter cup and an Oreo stuffed in it.

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I know it’s been on your mind. It’s been keeping you up at night, filling your sweaty dreams with worry: would “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky and fiancé Roberto Martinez follow through with a wedding? Or would their love end in disillusion and sadness like 19 of the 20 previous pairings that “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” had created? If only a publicist could tell us in a way that completely insults our collective intellect. Ah, here we are:

“Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez have ended their relationship,” the couple’s rep tells PEOPLE. “As they go through this difficult time, we ask that you respect the couple’s privacy.”

I’ve seen a lot of stupid crap from stupid publicists, but this might be a new low. “These people competed on a reality TV show in order to be paired as mates. Please respect their privacy, which they so obviously cherish.”

By the way, the updated success rate for “Bachelor/ette” winners is now 1-for-21 (Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter are the only married couple; couple #22 — Ashley and J.P. from “The Bachelorette” — are still together for the moment). That’s a success rate of 4.7%. At this point, completely random selection would be as effective at producing an actual marriage, and yet WOMEN CANNOT STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW. If men had any sense at all, we’d all be gay and let the human race become extinct.

Ashley Hebert, this past season’s “Bachelorette,” could have easily pulled aside finalist Ben Flajnik and told him that she was going to choose J.P. Rosenbaum. Instead, she allowed Ben to go through with his proposal, which she swatted away like Dikembe Mutombo in his prime. “NOT IN MY HOUSE!” said Ashley, flexing for the cameras as Ben’s heart broke in front of a national TV audience.

But it’s gonna work out just fine for Ben, who will star in the next season of “The Bachelor” and get his choice of 25 women, at least 20 of whom will have bigger boobs than Ashley.

The 28-year-old California winemaker was dissed by Bachelorette Ashley Hebert this summer, and it seems things didn’t work out between him and Jennifer Love Hewitt on their apparent recent date (“Rumors are rumors … we did meet, but totally by coincidence,” she insisted to Ryan Seacrest.) But Flajnik will have the ladies lining up in January if all goes according to the network’s current intentions. [EW]

Golly, it’s so good to hear that this tall California winemaker with a careless tumble of curly brown locks is going to get another chance at love. He probably would’ve spent the rest of his life alone if ABC didn’t toss him this life preserver.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — The conclusion of the two-part season finale. I haven’t seen a lick of this show, so I’ll just guess that a white lady in a $5,000 dress and hair extensions gives a white guy a flower and then everyone cries. Do I win? I think I win.

Hell’s Kitchen (FOX) — At this point, there’s not a jury in the land that would convict you if you bashed Gordon Ramsay in the head with a pineapple. That’s not legal advice. Just an observation.

Hoarders/Intervention (A&E) — I just want to remind all of you that “A&E” is short for “Arts and Entertainment.” I’m not sure which category addiction and debilitating mental conditions fall into, but I’ll let you know once I figure it out.

Rogue Sharks/Summer of the Shark (Discovery) — FACT: Every show title during Shark Week also works as a name for a metal band. I would buy a Rogue Sharks CD sound unheard.

Weeds (Showtime) — I haven’t seen any of this show either, so I’ll go with “A pretty lady sells drugs with her shirt off.” I won again, didn’t I? I’m good at this game.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) — TNT should do a “Rizzoli & Isles”/”Franklin & Bash” crossover arc where they do a bunch of stuff by their own rules and then bone.

Conan (TBS) — I’m giving this one it’s own slot instead of busting it down below because his guests are Harrison Ford (fresh off his trippy appearance on Letterman) and Marissa Miller (who wore this dress when she was on in November). OK!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Howel Mandel and the Bachelorette lady on Kimmel; James Franco and Diana Agron on Letterman; Ferguson’s in Paris so I’ll guess “a talking rat that can cook really well”; Ryan Reynolds on Leno; Lou Dobbs (?) on Fallon; Freida Pinto (!) on The Daily Show.

Bentley practices a move known as "The Pesci."

The Bachelorette (ABC) — Ashley takes the remaining hunks on a trip to exotic Thailand, where $30 can buy them a night of freaky sex with two women better-looking than Ashley.

Stanley Cup Finals (NBC) — Game 6, Vancouver leads Boston 3-2. That’s right, “Finals” with an S. It’s a series comprised of multiple games, hence the plural. So any hockey fan who tries to tell me it’s the Stanley Cup Final can shove a big silver trophy right up his gaping Canada.

Platinum Hit (Bravo) — Here’s a reality TV show I haven’t talked about before. And not talking about a reality show is the most damning response of all: not good enough to garner ratings, not bad enough to spark a reaction.

New Hampshire Republican Presidential Debate (CNN) — Starring Mitt Romney, Michele Bachman, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum. AKA “America’s Next Top Dukakis.”

Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Season premiere. Does this “secret life” include prostitution or spying on communists? No? Then I’m not interested.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Mostly reruns. Jason Sudeikis and Adam Levine on Leno; Henry Kissinger on Colbert; Adam Carolla on Lopez; and Noah Wyle and up-and-coming roast star Anthony Jeselnik on Conan.