The season’s final Nielsen ratings are out, and it’s official: absolutely no one watches the CW. Out of the 124 series that made Deadline’s rankings, the bottom seven shows were all from the CW, with former headline-maker “Gossip Girl” parked at #120 (I blame the lack of ice cream-related lesbian story lines) and the rancid “High Society” dead last. And those rankings don’t count the canceled stillborn turd that was “The Beautiful Life.” In fact, of the twelve original shows made by the CW, none made it higher than #109 (“America’s Next Top Model”). That’s 12 of the 16 most unwatched shows on TV.

Of course, as we often discuss, rankings have little to do with quality of programming. More than thirteen million people watch “Grey’s Anatomy” every week, and four of the top ten shows are crime procedurals on CBS. Fox used to get beat up in the rankings, too, until “The Simpsons” became an international phenomenon and made it a network to contend with.

I’m not really sure what my point was. I think it had something to do with Blake Lively and Leighton Meester making out.

“The Beautiful Life” was a lousy show with bad acting and a boring lead actress that no one watched, so the CW pulled it after only two episodes (the season’s first cancellation, in fact). But creator/producer Ashton Kutcher is certain that the show didn’t get a fair shot, so he’s putting all five episodes of the show online at YouTube. Choo choo, here comes the fail train!

“What we feel like we’re doing is creating, in some ways, an industry first,” Kutcher told Reuters. “A show that couldn’t find its legs on television, we believe can find its legs on the Web.”[...]

YouTube and Kutcher are banking on the TV-level quality to attract viewers in a crowded Web landscape that has plenty of expensively made reruns, but not a lot of high-end original content. Kutcher reckons if he can increase the audience size on YouTube, then he might lure sponsors or others to finance more episodes solely for the Web. [...]

While the trend in content for the Web has called for short “webisodes” of 5- to 15-minutes, instead of longer shows, Kutcher believes “The Beautiful Life’s” production values will allow it to buck that trend. “I would bargain that people will be willing to sit a lot longer if the picture looks a lot better,” Kutcher said.

Not the plot. Not the writing. Not the characters. Not the acting. The picture quality is going to keep you watching a YouTube video for 40 minutes. So let’s put this to the test. Up top there is the pilot episode (I didn’t want anyone lost in the back story). Go ahead, sit there and try to watch this for forty minutes. I made it through 2:33. Or, as you might see, 2:31 plus two seconds of Mischa Barton.

I’m pleased to report that “The Beautiful Life,” the stillborn turd created by Ashton Kutcher and starring suicidal uninsurable mess Mischa Barton, has been canceled by the CW after just two episodes. The second episode garnered less than 1 million viewers, meaning that most of Kutcher’s 3.7 million followers on Twitter either don’t own TVs, follow him ironically, or are porn spambots.

“Production has ceased on ‘The Beautiful Life’ in New York. The show will be pulled from The CW’s schedule immediately,” CW said late Friday in an e-mail, surprising no one since it was a Take Out the Trash Day — the Friday before a holiday weekend…

“TBL” had looked DOA since since its unveiling one week earlier, attracting an anorexic audience of 1.4 million viewers. In its second broadcast, it fell to 1 million, and by the second half hour was down to under 1 mil. This despite the show’s rampant Ashton Kutcher-ness – he was an executive producer on the show and the drama series is semi-autobiographical, what with Kutcher being hot and from Iowa and having moved to New York City to become a male model as a way to get into acting, and the show being about a hot farm boy from Iowa who goes to New York City to become a male model to save the family farm. [WaPo]

Oh, that is delicious. I love it when horrible work is rewarded with spectacular failure. For some reason when I think about “The Beautiful Life,” I picture homeless guy who crapped himself sleeping in a crowded subway car. And the CW and everyone else is trying like hell to get as far away as possible.

With all the news about Misca Barton’s hospitalization following allegations of everything from a three-day coke binge to being near suicide, the CW’s “The Beautiful Life” has postponed production and rededicated its resources to helping her.  Nah, just kidding.  They’ve added a new character to take her place.

Producers of the upcoming model-centric drama are quietly readying a Plan B in light of the former O.C. actress’ current medical woes. Said plan involves the addition of a new female character to fill the void left by Barton. While not a direct recast, the new recurring character — tentatively named Jane — would bear a striking resemblance to Barton’s experienced supermodel, Sonja Stone. Casting is underway.  [EW.com]

Ruh roh.  Not the best of news, Misch.  And shocking news, at that.  I always thought TV studios were more compassionate than that.    What’s next, child actors developing a drug problem and ending up hospitalized?

(photo: Barton at Cedars-Sinai hospital in Beverly Hills three days ago)

Mischa Barton — the “O.C.” alumna who will star in the CW’s “The Beautiful Life” this fall — was taken to the hospital last week amid a swirl of rumors about her health and sanity.  And it doesn’t look like those rumors will stop any time soon, because the New York Post has the awesomest story about a three-day coke binge and a life falling apart that you’ll read today.

Barton was so high on coke following a marathon three-day bender that friends called cops afraid she would kill herself, sources have told The Post.

Barton, 23, was taken away from her LA home by police and placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold on Wednesday. The party-loving former “O.C” star was due to fly to New York for the premiere of her movie “Homecoming,” which has been slammed by critics.

A source close to Barton said, “She’s in very bad shape. She’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.”

Photographed Tuesday at an LA hotel, the once-skinny Barton [note: not a recent picture] looked bloated and almost unrecognizable. A guest at the hotel said Barton seemed to be stumbling around poolside and at one point was topless…

Her publicist, Craig Schneider, released a statement yesterday confirming that the actress remains in the hospital under doctor’s orders. Under Section 5150 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code, authorities can hold a person for up to 72 hours if they present a danger to themselves or others.

Meanwhile, a rep for Barton told OK Magazine that the allegations of a three-day coke bender were “preposterous.”  And I’m just going to go ahead and assume that “preposterous” has a secondary definition that means “entirely believable.”  Whatever the case is, one thing’s for certain: “The Beautiful Life” is going to be a fabulous disaster.  Which is saying a lot.  It’s not easy for a show on the CW to stand out for sucking.