Her.

Earlier today, Donald Trump unveiled the 18 contestants for the fifth season of “The Celebrity Apprentice,” which premieres on NBC on February 12. Here they are, ranked by their current cultural relevance.

Relevant: Michael Andretti (cars and stuff); Adam Carolla (unfortunately means Bill Simmons will write a 17,000 word essay comparing this season to the first :17 seconds of Hoosiers); Lou Ferrigno (THE HULK); George Takei (Sulu/gay rights activist); Paul Teutul, Sr. (like Clay Morrow but real); and Patricia Velásquez (second Marta on “Arrested Development”).

Once Relevant: Tia Carrere (all downhill since Wayne’s World 2); Arsenio Hall (will the Trump WHOOP?); Lisa Lampanelli (“…something something black guys!”); Dayana Mendoza (psh, former Miss Universe); and Cheryl Tiegs (her SI Swimsuit Issue covers helped a lot of guys get through high school in the 1970s).

And here’s a bunch of “celebrities” who never mattered, ever: Clay Aiken (best known for being named “Clay Aiken”); Debbie Gibson (Tiffany’s better); Teresa Giudice (Housewife of Jersey who looks anything but real); Victoria Gotti (Hot Italian Dish author); Penn Jillette (loud magician); Dee Snider (Twisted Sister: awful band or MOST awful band?); and Girl from Danity Kane. And the Trump himself.

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The NBC upfront presentation is today, and Donald Trump made an appearance to announce that he will be back for another season of “Celebrity Appearance” and will not seek the Republican nomination for president.

“This will be the 12th season,” Donald Trump told advertisers at NBC’s presentation Monday. “I love Celebrity Apprentice. We’ve raised tens of millions. I’ve decided we are going to continue on with the Celebrity Apprentice. I will not be running for president.” [EW]

According to the buzz on my Twitter feed (and this transcript), Trump assured the audience that had he run, he would have won both the Republican nomination and the 2012 election, which isn’t so much a lie as it is the obvious continuation of the alternate reality that exists when Trump is in the presence of cameras and microphones. Trump later added, “How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?”

ROCK THE VOTE, BUTTHORN!

If you needed evidence that Donald Trump is a terrible choice for the Republican nomination for president, look no further: Gary Busey — who, sadly, was bumped off “The Celebrity Apprentice” last night — has declared that Trump would be “an absolutely good” president.

[Busey] said he would vote for Donald Trump, even though he fired him, because he “would be an absolutely good” president. “He knows about this country. He knows the situation we’re in now. I have great respect for sitting president Barack Obama. I will not dismiss that.” [USA Today]

Oh man. I’ve got an idea for a new show that we can add to Danger Guerrero’s list of pitches. Donald Trump declares his candidacy for president, and he names Busey as his top political adviser. THAT would make the 2012 election interesting. You just know that Busey wouldn’t rest until he locked down the llama vote.

I don’t know who first floated the idea of Donald Trump as the Republican candidate for president or why they hate America, but the seed took hold and it seems to be a real thing that people are considering. And Trump, who’s been coy about a possible run for president, is now hinting that he might announce that he has an an announcement on the season finale of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Seriously, those are his words.

“I am thinking of saying on the live finale of ‘The Apprentice’ on May 22 that in a few days I will be making an announcement about my decision,” Mr. Trump said in a telephone interview Thursday…

Mr. Trump said he understood that that he could not use a network television show to formally declare his presidential intentions. So whatever he may say live on “Celebrity Apprentice” will first be vetted by NBC lawyers.

NBC’s position… is that until Mr. Trump makes a formal announcement on whether he is running, or takes any concrete action to commence a run, no obligation to offer equal time to another candidate kicks in. [NYT Media Decoder]

“Will I make an announcement about my decision to run for the presidency? No. But I’m thinking about announcing that I’ll announce something later. And the only way you can find out whether or not I’ll announce a future announcement is by tuning in to the LIVE FINALE OF ‘CELEBRITY APPRENTICE’! Sundays on NBC!” Oh, Trump. You master of suspense. A man with such a dizzying intellect is sure to be our next commander-in-chief.

Back in December, rumors surfaced that Gary Busey picked a fight with Meat Loaf, and the two almost came to blows while filming “The Celebrity Apprentice.” Now that the episode in question has aired, it seems to be the other way around: it was Meat Loaf who blew up at Busey when the singer accused our favorite wild animal of stealing paint (video below).

As reality TV meltdowns go, Loaf does pretty well. He seems genuinely enraged, checking off the three S’s of anger: Shouting, Swearing, and Shaking. Mark McGrath physically restrains Loaf, and John Rich at one point pleads, “Meat, don’t do it!” — easily the most plaintive request made of a musician since Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em.

However, after a couple viewings of this video, I’ve decided that the real star is none other than Gary Busey. While Meat Loaf is foaming at the mouth and swearing at him, Busey — a man who can deliver much more memorable threats — barely registers any reaction. It’s like his mind is somewhere else — and it probably is. Busey’s either reminiscing about a mescaline bender at a Nicaraguan cock fight, or he physically left his brain in a suitcase full of highlighters and loose change.

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