January 13, 2012: The Day that Network Television Finally Hit Rock Bottom

01.13.12 Written by Dustin Rowles

You might have thought that 2001 was the year that television hit bottom. It did introduce “Survivor” (which would launch the reality-competition genre) and “Fear Factor,” a show that involved people doing dangerous and/or disgusting things for cash prizes. Or maybe you thought it was 2002, when “The Bachelor” popularized the idea of essentially building a show around men and women trying to have sex in exchange for fleeting, low-level fame. Maybe you thought it was 2008, when Howie Mandel launched a game show, “Deal or No Deal,” with no comprehensible rules. Or maybe you thought it was 2010, when some dumbass had the bright idea to give professional douchebag, Guy Fieri, a game show (“Minute to Win It”) involving people tasked with doing retarded things in under 60 seconds in exchange for money.

While all those were dark, dark days in the history of network television, none may be darker than 2012, the year that CW introduced to primetime television a gameshow competition involving . . . musical chairs.

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I Can’t Stop Looking at This.

11.10.11 Written by Matt

Wow, with natural beauties like this on “America’s Next Top Model,” I can’t believe that none of the show’s winners have gone on to become world-famous supermodels.

[image via -- warning: sound auto-plays]

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Suck It, ‘H8R’

10.07.11 Written by Matt

The CW has canceled “H8R,” the Mario Lopez-hosted confrontation show that put down “haters” — average, non-famous people — in order to defend human garbage like Kim Kardashian, Scott Disick (pictured), Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, and “Bachelor” star Jake Pavelka.

Perhaps if “H8R” had forced its celebrities to confront and acknowledge WHY people hate them, if it had brought wealthy fame whores like Snooki down a peg, it might have been a success. But it didn’t do that. The show existed to fluff the celebrities and put down the little plebes who didn’t achieve fame through a reality show. The message was clear: celebrities should ONLY be adored for the mere fact that they’re FAMOUS, and SCREW YOU if you have the temerity to express a negative opinion of them.

It wasn’t merely a bad show, it was idiotically tone-deaf — a crass, stupid, insulting middle finger at a nation of people already struggling to get by and angry at the wealthy elite. The people responsible for “H8R” should be dragged out onto Wall Street and kicked in the ribs by an angry mob until their bones turn to jelly.

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‘Extreme Musical Chairs’ LOL

09.22.11 Written by Matt

So, this is a real thing that is happening in our world:

The CW is developing unscripted format “Extreme Musical Chairs” from the Gurin Co. and 405 Prods.

Series would transform the popular children’s game into a physically demanding competition with multiple rounds of elimination set in an indoor obstacle course. [Variety]

Brilliant work, Hollywood. Take the rest of the day off. But when you come back tomorrow, I expect full crayon mock-ups for “Extreme Heads Up Seven Up,” “Can You Jump Rope Better Than a 5th Grader?” and “Pin the Tail on the Actual Donkey.”

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In Development: Will Two ‘Beauty and the Beast’ TV Shows Be Enough?

09.16.11 Written by Matt

Yesterday afternoon, news broke that the CW would re-make the late-’80s CBS show “Beauty and the Beast,” a tale of two actors (Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton) who would go on to take take badass roles in better projects. That news comes on the heels of ABC’s announcement to make an hour-long drama from the French fairy tale (you may remember that parent company Disney had a modestly successful animated film about the story), which will join the ever-growing list of fairy tale-based shows like “Grimm” (NBC) and “Once Upon a Time” (ABC again) that debut this fall.

But will this be enough to satisfy our ever-increasing demands for Beauty and the Beast stories? How can we say that we were sated by Beastly if we know that Guillermo del Toro is making a Beauty and the Beast movie with Emma Watson? When will we have enough retellings of the same story?

NEVER! I, for one, won’t be satisfied until ALL networks have Beauty and the Beast-inspired programming. CBS can make “CSI: Beauty and the Beast,” in which a beautiful female detective is drawn to disfigured but sensitive forensics analyst. NBC can make a smart ensemble comedy that nobody watches. VH1 can make a Beauty and the Beast reality dating show — although technically they kind of already did that with Flavor Flav and Bret Michaels. Still, they could take beautiful women (who say they’ve been mistreated by jerks and just want a “nice” guy) vie for the love of a Beast. OR a group of ugly, sensitive men could try to win the heart of a bikini model.

Please, Hollywood executives. Don’t listen to complaints that you’re devoid of new ideas and creatively bankrupt. I DEMAND MORE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. THIS IS A THIRST THAT CANNOT BE QUENCHED.

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