What with all the hullabaloo surrounding the return of Heather Locklear as Amanda Woodward on last night’s “Melrose Place,” the true highlight of the show — this charming lesbian makeout scene — got overlooked. Note to the CW: that’s great that you got a sexy old broad to wear a miniskirt, but you might want to advertise chicks making out, too. It may be a desperate ratings grab, but it’s one that usually piques my interest. I’m a simple man that way.
RELATED VIDEO: Below, in much much sexier lesbian action, is Carmen Electra’s leaked lesbian video. (Or should I say “leaked” with sarcastiquotes?) It’s three minutes of her wearing tight underwear, a bra, knee-high socks, and a choker and frolicking around in a hotel room with a sexy brunette with whom she makes out. They also manage to sexily waste some champagne. In all honesty, even though it’s not explicit or particularly shocking, it is absolutely sexy as hell. The only way it could turn me on any more is if I made an appearance with a side of bacon and a deep frier. What? Use your imagination.
Here’s all the action that “Gossip Girl” had to offer for the much-hyped threesome. Although there were public outcries and demands that the episode be an hour-long hardcore scene with Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, and myself, the principals involved here are Dan, Hilary Duff’s Olivia, and the other chick. Whatsherface. Vanessa. Apparently this makeout scene was followed by a shot of all three of them asleep in bed together, exhausted from a pillow fight or something.
I’d like to say I’m disappointed by this, but that would infer that I had some sort of expectations to begin with. If anything, the awkwardness leading up to it is frighteningly real for a college threesome. As the guy you don’t want to push anything and mess it all up, but you don’t know what the right move is, and you just kinda hope that the girls are drunk enough and willing to make out with each other… is what I imagine it would be like. I’ve never kissed two girls at once. I’ve only kissed one girl, ever. (My mom!)
[Flavorwire via Buzzfeed]
NBC has just released this promotional still from next Monday’s episode of “Heroes,” in which Claire (Hayden Panettiere) waterskis over a shark kisses Gretchen, played by Madeline Zima (Zima: it’s not just for getting teenagers drunk any more). Finally. I don’t watch “Heroes” and don’t find Hayden particularly attractive, and yet somehow, this has been a story since June.
In other sexually adventurous news, the November 9th episode of “Gossip Girl” will feature a threesome. Not exactly life-changing news unless it’s me with Leighton Meester and Blake Lively, but you absolutely HAVE to read the way that Michael Ausiello broke the news:
I’m pleased to report that “The Beautiful Life,” the stillborn turd created by Ashton Kutcher and starring suicidal uninsurable mess Mischa Barton, has been canceled by the CW after just two episodes. The second episode garnered less than 1 million viewers, meaning that most of Kutcher’s 3.7 million followers on Twitter either don’t own TVs, follow him ironically, or are porn spambots.
“Production has ceased on ‘The Beautiful Life’ in New York. The show will be pulled from The CW’s schedule immediately,” CW said late Friday in an e-mail, surprising no one since it was a Take Out the Trash Day — the Friday before a holiday weekend…
“TBL” had looked DOA since since its unveiling one week earlier, attracting an anorexic audience of 1.4 million viewers. In its second broadcast, it fell to 1 million, and by the second half hour was down to under 1 mil. This despite the show’s rampant Ashton Kutcher-ness – he was an executive producer on the show and the drama series is semi-autobiographical, what with Kutcher being hot and from Iowa and having moved to New York City to become a male model as a way to get into acting, and the show being about a hot farm boy from Iowa who goes to New York City to become a male model to save the family farm. [WaPo]
Oh, that is delicious. I love it when horrible work is rewarded with spectacular failure. For some reason when I think about “The Beautiful Life,” I picture homeless guy who crapped himself sleeping in a crowded subway car. And the CW and everyone else is trying like hell to get as far away as possible.
Locklear and Tom Cruise, p.b. (pre-Baio)
The new “Melrose Place” on the CW is so bad that even the teenage retards who watch the CW didn’t watch it, but the show still has hope: it locked down Heather Locklear to reprise her role from the original “Melrose.” Um, yay?
Locklear, 47, will reprise her role as scheming ad vixen Amanda Woodward on the new CW version of the show. She will make her debut appearance Nov. 17.
“We’re ecstatic to have the chance to bring Amanda Woodward back to Melrose Place,” executive producers Todd Slavkin & Darren Swimmer said in a statement. “Heather’s involvement in the show is something we’ve been working on for some time as we couldn’t imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character’s inclusion.”
Except, uh, you DID create and produce the show without her inclusion. Remember how it debuted last week without her? That was you creating and producing the show without her.
[A] source said the role is a “a great comeback” for the actress, who faced a DUI charged that was later dismissed and sought treatment for anxiety last year. Said the source: “She is in great spirits and good shape. This is a perfect time to show everyone how well she is doing.
You’re doing it all backwards, Heather. You’re supposed to deal with anxiety and drive drunk AFTER you’ve gone through the shame of being on the new “Melrose.”
This story is kinda last week’s news, but it involves attractive young actresses getting arrested for baring their breasts to strangers, which in my mind makes it still newsworthy. Hot handcuffed tit-flashing starlets are precisely why I got into this business.
Anyway, “The Vampire Diaries” opened with CW’s highest-rated series premiere last week, and actresses Candice Accola, Kayla Ewell, Sara Canning, and Nina Dobrev (clockwise from top left, not that it matters) all celebrated by getting booked for disorderly conduct:
[The actresses] were arrested and charged after police said the actresses were dangling off a Georgia overpass and flashing drivers. Several drivers called 911 on Aug. 22 to report seeing the young women flashing drivers on I-75 from the side of the Rumble Road overpass just north of Macon. The women told Monroe County authorities they were just filming for the show. [WSBTV]
Really? People actually called freakin’ 911 to report tits? How does that 911 call go? “Oh God! It’s terrible! Hot, nubile women are flashing me! There are BARE BREASTS above the highway! I’m dangerously aroused! Oh God, send all the police and ambulances you have! THE HUMANITY!!!!!”
[via a lot of places, but The Daily What specifically]
