UPDATE: Now with video!

The series premiere of “Ringer” aired last night, and although it garnered decent ratings for the CW’s standards, it was obvious to anyone who watched it that this was a show developed for CBS consigned to little sister CW with the hopes that “Buffy” star Sarah Michelle Gellar would be enough to counter the show’s shoddy craftsmanship.

There are holes at every level in “Ringer” — from writing to directing to acting to probably even the on-set catering — but none so glaring as the lackluster effort put into the green screen effect in the scene where Siobhan and Bridget (twins played by Gellar) venture out to sea in Siobhan’s boat. It looks like they used the special effects technicians from “Gilligan’s Island.”

On the next few pages, I have more screen caps of “Ringer’s” terrible use of green screen. See if you can tell which ones I’ve edited in Photoshop!

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ART.

Ringer (CW) — Series premiere. Sarah Michelle Gellar returns to the CW with a dual role as twin sisters: wealthy socialite Siobhan and ex-stripper/recovering drug addict Bridget. Bridget is wanted by the mob because she witnessed a murder, so she seeks help from her wealthy sister, who then “dies” in a boating accident. Bridget then covers up Siobhan’s death and assumes her identity, except — *TWIST* — Siobhan faked her death and moved to Paris because her life was in danger, too! Without having seen the pilot, I give this four out of five DERPS.

Parenthood (NBC) — Season premiere. NBC’s moderately successful tearjearker returns with Jason Ritter (“The Event”) returning to the cast. For those scoring at home: Krysten Ritter > John Ritter > apple fritter > Jason Ritter.

90210 (CW) — Season premiere. If paparazzi photos are to be believed, this season is all about Annalynne McCord wearing bikinis and getting egged and doused with slime. I don’t disapprove.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — I of course very much enjoy this show, but I’m worried by how much the plot hinges on people keeping secrets every season. Characters on telenovelas have fewer secrets to hide than this outlaw biker gang. That’s worrisome.

Big Sexy (TLC) — Season finale. No joke, the final episode of the season is a bunch of fat ladies doing a bikini photo shoot. So enticing! How could I possibly not watch? I sure hope this gets renewed!

Batten the hatches. Lock the windows. Unplug all electronic devices. Stock up on fresh water and canned food, then head to the nearest bomb shelter. The CW is making the long-rumored “Sex and the City” prequel.

The young-skewing network is moving forward with the project based on The Carrie Diaries, the book series written by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell that follows Carrie Bradshaw during her senior year of high school in the early 1980s…

The first book in Bushnell’s origin story was published last year and, like Sex and the City, is told from Carrie’s point of view. It follows the aspiring writer through her relationship with Sebastian Kydd and rivalry with popular girl Donna LaDonna. [THR]

Say what you will about the original “Sex and the City” — and I’ve said lots of bad things — at least it took a relatively new angle on the “professional women balancing work and love” story. A high school-based prequel is just going to be “Gossip Girl” on the network that already airs “Gossip Girl” and a rebooted “90210.” Which is to say: it will be a huge success. Ugh. If you’ll excuse me, I have pallets of canned tuna to buy.

Riding high on the success of Vampire Diaries, the WB CW has the hype machine running full speed for its latest teen super-powers-as-a-metaphor-for-diversity-parable, The Secret Circle, which debuts on September 15. The show is based on the book series from author L.J. Smith, who also did pretty well as my fantasy football tight end a few seasons ago.

So what, pray tell, is the story behind this teen romance fantasy series that makes it any different from all the others?

Circle (which is executive-produced by Vampire Diaries boss Kevin Williamson) centers on Cassie (played by Robertson), a teen who is forced by tragedy to leave behind her life in California for the mysterious Chance Harbor, Wash. There, she discovers that both she and her new group of friends — among them, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles‘ Thomas Dekker, Days of Our Lives alum Shelley Hennig and Australian starlet Phoebe Tonkin — are in fact witches. (Via TV Line)

Ah yes, this one is about witches… who attend high school in the Pacific Northwest. Huge difference.

The network released a teaser at Comic Con to get the geek hormones fired up, and I’m not gonna lie – this cast has some serious potential. Britt Robertson plays the lead witch – the reluctant sorceress, if you will – and I have no clue who she is. But the always wonderful Natasha Henstridge is playing the principal, and former Miss Teen USA Shelley Hennig is a witch, too. Also, Phoebe Tonkin is fresh off the boat from Australia and she seems nice. In all, this may deserve at least a viewing on mute.

After the jump, check out the new promo character posters, as well as the Comic Con teaser.

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Last week I posted brief synopses of the four new shows that the CW is adding to its schedule next year, and while I thought they sounded terrible, I didn’t realize they’d be THIS awful. Above is a preview clip for “H8R,” in which Snooki confronts a guy who can’t stand her. And mostly he just stands there with a dumb look on his face while Snooki jabbers on and Mario Lopez laughs at him. It’s infuriating. I want the hater to break a pool cue over Snooki’s head, not stand there and take a tongue-lashing from an Oompa Loompa.

On the next pages I’ve got previews for “Ringer” and “Hart of Dixie,” which both look awful, but at least they look awful in more entertaining ways. (The CW’s other new show, “Secret Circle,” had a six-minute preview, but the CW pulled it out of respect for their viewers for copyright infringement.)

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