ABC is all reruns again tonight, so unless you’re into “Top Chef,” you’re screwed if you’re looking for good television during prime time.

American Idol (Fox) — Jim Carrey’s daughter is a contestant this season. Even if you didn’t know it was Jim Carrey’s daugther, after one look at her teeth, you’d know it was Jim Carrey’s daughter (video after the jump, if you’re interested)

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) — Serious question: I only watched the dreadfully unfunny pilot of “Are You There, Chelsea?” Did it get any better? Because I no longer believe “Community’s” return hinges on its cancellation. I think NBC is going to burn through new episodes of “Parks and Recreation” and run “Community” in its place come April.

Top Chef (Bravo) — There’s a strange bicycle competition in tonight’s episode. I don’t know what that has got to do with cooking, but for the love of God, don’t look at Padma.

The Exes (TV Land) — I kept meaning to get around to watching an episode, if only because of my love for Donald Faison. Alas, this is the first season finale, so it looks like I’m too late. It’s probably best; I wouldn’t want to tarnish my fondness for him. Here’s the Turk Dance, anyway.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Howard Stern is on Letterman to help him celebrate 30 years on late night; Daniel Radcliffe is on Leno; John Krasinski does Kimmel; The Shat will sit with Craig Ferguson; Tracy Morgan — who hates his mother — will be on Fallon; and Brad F***ing Pitt will be on “The Daily Show.”

Jon Stewart and the team at “The Daily Show” are never better than when they’re mocking the moronic programming on 24-hour news channels. The show has taken a sledgehammer to all of the networks, from the mindless rabble-rousing on “Fox and Friends,” to whatever the hell MSNBC is doing with their schedule (“Tonight on MSNBC, a hard-hitting report by Rachel Maddow on our unsafe, overcrowded prison system. Then at 11 on ‘Lockdown: Violence Prison,’ someone gets shivved! MAYBE IN THE FACE!”). But last night they took it to a new level in a takedown of CNN’s new morning show “Early Start” — specifically, an idiotic segment where the hosts try to prank call celebrities at 5 a.m.

There’s not much I can add to this that isn’t articulated better in the clip. The whole thing is just so awkward and terrible and fantastic. I know Stewart can rub some people wrong way sometimes, but he’s doing the Lord’s work here. A segment this dumb (on a NEWS NETWORK) deserves to be mocked in the harshest manner possible, if only because you can’t physically grab a television show by the collar and scream right into its face like it’s an unruly drunk. Something to work on, scientists.

via Jimmy Traina

TV's most controversial show

Here are some sweeping political generalizations I made, based on a recently released survey, conducted by Experian-Simmons and published on EW.com, on what shows “Liberal Democrats” and “Conservative Republicans” love and hate:

Democrats love: Sarcasm (“30 Rock”), New Orleans and/or white guilt (“Treme”), alcohol (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “Cougar Town”), gays (“Glee,” “Modern Family”), nudity (“Shameless”), and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” “The Colbert Report”). Also, funny things (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” “Raising Hope”).

Democrats hate: Swamps (“Swamp Loggers,” “Swamp People,” “River Monsters”) ghosts (“Ghost Hunters,” “Ghost Adventures”), teen pregnancy (“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”), Drew Carey (“The Price is Right”), and catching bad guys (“Dog the Bounty Hunter,” “COPS”).

Republicans love: When life re-sets itself every week (“Hawaii Five-0,” “NCIS”), swamps (“Swamp Loggers,” “Swamp People,” “River Monsters”), romance based on a lie (“The Bachelor”), Larry the Cable Guy (“Only In America with Larry the Cable Guy”), Nathan Fillion (“Castle”), antique collecting (“American Pickers”), and jokes that begin with “This is in the news” (“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”).

Republicans hate: Marijuana (“Weeds”), exposing hypocrisy (“South Park”), divorce (“Divorce Court”), gossip and/or water bottles (“TMZ”), zombies (“The Walking Dead”), cancer (“The Big C”), people who take the law into their own hands when it’s not filmed with a shaky camera (“Dexter”), and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report”).

Full list below.

LIBERAL DEMOCRAT FAVORITES
–”The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central)
–”The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)
–”30 Rock” (NBC)
–”Parks & Recreation” (NBC)
–”The View” (ABC)
–”Glee” (Fox)
–”Modern Family” (ABC)
–”It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” (FX)
–”Treme” (HBO)
–”Cougar Town” (ABC)
–”The Late Show with David Letterman” (CBS)
–”The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” (CBS)
Also: “The Soup” (E!), “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” (Adult Swim), “Raising Hope” (Fox), “Saturday Night Live” (NBC), “The Office” (NBC), “Project Runway” (Lifetime), “Shameless” (Showtime), “Parenthood” (NBC), “Conan” (TBS).

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN FAVORITES
–“Swamp Loggers” (Discovery)
–“Top Shot” (History)
–“The Bachelor” (ABC)
–“Castle” (ABC)
–“Mythbusters” (Discovery)
–“Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy” (History)
–“American Pickers” (History)
–“Swamp People” (History)
–“The Middle” (ABC)
–“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” (NBC)
–“The Biggest Loser” (NBC)
–“Hawaii Five-0” (CBS)
Also: “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC), “Man vs. Wild” (Discovery), “Auction Kings” (Discovery), “NCIS” (CBS), “The Mentalist” (CBS).

LIBERAL DEMOCRAT LEAST FAVORITES
–“Swamp Loggers” (Discovery)
–“Dog the Bounty Hunter” (A&E)
–“COPS” (Syndication)
–“The Ultimate Fighter” (Spike TV)
–“The Price Is Right” (CBS)
–“CSI: Miami” (CBS)
–“Kitchen Nightmares” (Fox)
–“Secret Life of the American Teenager” (ABC Family)
–“Ghost Hunters” (Syfy)
–“Ghost Adventures” (Travel Channel)
Also: “Operation Repo” (TruTV), “Swamp People” (History), “Hardcore Pawn” (TruTV), “River Monsters” (Animal Planet), “Deadliest Catch” (Discovery), “Only In America With Larry the Cable Guy” (History), “Storm Chasers” (Discovery), “Billy the Exterminator” (A&E), “Deal or No Deal” (GSN), “Forensic Files” (TruTV).

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN LEAST FAVORITES
–“Weeds” (Showtime)
–“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
–“The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)
–“South Park” (Comedy Central)
–“TMZ” (syndication)
–“General Hospital” (ABC)
–“Family Guy” (Fox)
–“Dexter” (Showtime): Again, that anti-hero thing…
–“Jersey Shore” (MTV)
–“The Walking Dead” (AMC): Really? But it’s about the Apocalypse!
Also: “Divorce Court” (Syndication), “The Big C” (Showtime), “Let’s Make a Deal” (CBS), “Bridezillas” (WE), “My Fair Wedding with David Tutera” (WE)

In the wake of Rick Perry leasing a hunting camp called… ummm… *cough* *cough*head, Wyatt Cenac filed a report for “The Daily Show” (video below) that no white correspondent possibly could have: he pointed out that scores of other American geographical features are named with similar insensitivity to race issues. What I’m trying to say is, he said the N-word a LOT. And not the N-word the way black people say it to each other, but the way white slave owners used to say it: casually, and with a hard “-er.”

The piece made me wide-eyed and slightly uncomfortable until Cenac branched out into my preferred territory: locations named with old-timey racist slurs. And as we all know, old-timey racist slurs are the ONLY racist slurs I’ll tolerate around here.

Hahahahaha, “Squaw Tit Mountain.” Sounds like a Navajo strip club. I bet there’s firewater and slut machines there. “Wait, don’t you mean slot machines?” Nope.

When I realized that the tenth anniversary of 9/11 would fall on a Sunday, I was relieved for wholly selfish reasons: I wouldn’t have to spend a workday worried about whether my lighthearted business of joking about TV was inappropriate. I was prepared to let the day pass without any kind of reflection, as there are countless other outlets that have already done it in more expansive and meaningful ways (such as New York Magazine’s Encyclopedia of 9/11 and Esquire’s Surviving the Fall).

Then I saw the State Farm 9/11 tribute in which kids sing “Empire State of Mind” to a bunch of New York firefighters (video below), and I almost cried because I’m apparently a 50-year-old housewife from Duluth. I should probably stop blogging and just bake you all some cookies.

So yeah, 9/11 gets a post. Along with the State Farm video below, I’ve included a couple more photos and links to poignant stuff or cultural ephemera that caught my eye.

Artist Jason Powell holds up pictures of the tragedies in front of the now-peaceful scenes of the attacks. [flickr]

“Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.” “Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I’ll take a crab juice.” [caps via Eye on Springfield]

And lastly, because I watch it every year: Jon Stewart’s first “Daily Show” monologue after 9/11. It gets me every time.

Last night’s “Daily Show” picked up on something I’d never noticed before: CNN anchor Don Lemon has zero patience for the banal banter about human-interest stories that he and other anchors are supposed to engage in. Lemon appears to be one of those old-fashioned “journalists” who are interested in “reporting” “news” — and not, say, going along with a stupid story about how Hogwarts would be more expensive to attend than Harvard:

Female reporter: “…more than $43,000 — and that’s only for one year. Tuition is actually the biggest chunk. Just to send your kid off to become a wizard, it’s gonna price you right out of the ballpark, I’d say.

Lemon: Okay. I say it costs zero, because it doesn’t exist.

The whole report (below) is pretty great, and it almost makes me want to watch CNN. Like, if I had any interest in the world beyond finding new pictures of corgis, Don Lemon would be my news person of choice.

(thanks, Vince)

Ever since 1965, when theatre critic/known sado-masochist Kenneth Tynan uttered the word “f**k” on “BBC-3,” one of George Carlin’s seven words you can’t say on TV has been, well, said on TV. It’s an easy word to overuse, and it’s only used effectively in two situations: 1) in an unexpected live moment, and 2) by skilled professionals. My current favorite cuss artist is Susie Greene on “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” which returns to HBO this Sunday for its eighth and possibly final season. Played by Susie Essman, Greene has unleashed numerous toxic tirades at her “fat f**k” husband, Jeff, and his “four-eyed f**k” client, Larry David, since the show began in 2000. In honor of Susie, and for all those who don’t mind dropping an F-bomb (I’m sorry for using that phrase, I really am) every so often — or constantly if you’re on one BBC comedy — here are ten great moments of the F-word on TV.

Louis C.K. is making the late-night talk show rounds to promote the second season of “Louie” on FX, and last night’s stop was “The Daily Show,” where he broke down why farts are funny. Ordinarily, explaining a joke saps it of humor, but Louis does a great job of defending the inherent humor of farts from the people who claim they’re too lowbrow. He doesn’t name names, but he’s clearly talking about people who write for Slate, read the New Yorker, discuss foreign cinema at parties, travel to Europe more than America’s National Parks, and/or have a diploma from Swarthmore. In Louis’s words: “You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.”

Video below.

NEXT PAGE: Louis C.K. on Kimmel Monday night. It’s just as funny, and Louis offers some solid insights about “Louie.”

During the third day of his peyote trip, Riggle finally saw Ultimate Party Dog

Rob Riggle is a rising star in comedy: the Marine Corps Reserve lieutenant colonel was a featured player on “Saturday Night Live” for one year (2004-05) and a “Daily Show” correspondent from 2006-08 before landing scene-stealing roles in several comedies, most notably as a taser-happy cop in The Hangover. He left “The Daily Show” after signing a talent holding deal with CBS that led to a recurring role on “Gary Unmarried” and the starring role in “Home Game,” a comedy pilot that didn’t get picked up this spring.

Presently, Riggle is in New Orleans filming 21 Jump Street (in which he’ll play a villain against Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum), and he can also be seen this summer in Larry Crowne and Adult Swim’s “NTSF:SD:SUV.” He took a few minutes last Thursday to talk about his career and promote the AXE Dirtcathlon, a web series he’s hosting for the relaunch of the shower gel’s brand.

NOTE: The interview has been edited for length and clarity, mostly to disguise the fact that I’m incredibly awkward on the phone, have poor interviewing skills, and often can’t muster subject-verb agreement when speaking. For example, here’s the unedited transcript of how the conversation started:

[There's a beep signifying that the PR guy has connected Rob and me via conference call.]
PR Guy: Hey Rob, you there?
Riggle: Yeah, I’m here.
PR Guy: Matt?
Warming Glow: Hey.
Riggle: Hey.
[excruciating pause]
WG: Oh! Sorry, I was expecting more of an introduction.
Riggle: (laughs) It’s Rob.
PR Guy: Sorry about that Matt, you’re on the phone with Rob Riggle.
WG: Thanks. Sorry.

See? This is why I conduct interviews so rarely. Well, that and the restraining orders.

From here on out, my questions are in bold and Riggle’s responses are in regular typeface. Notes appear in italics (and often).

Jon Stewart’s first “Daily Show” after Osama Bin Laden’s death didn’t disappoint. With the first ten minutes of last night’s show, Stewart — accompanied by Photoshops that “Daily Show” staffers must have been working on since the news broke — took great angles on everything from Obama interrupting “The Celebrity Apprentice” to the pronunciation of Abottabad. And, much like he did in his first show after 9/11, he found a way to end his monologue with a sincere celebration of freedom.

Watch the videos below. It’s way better than whatever you’re supposed to be doing at work.

(If you’re pressed for time and can’t watch everything, go with the last two minutes of each video.)