Ted Williams, the homeless man with the incredible golden voice, appeared on the CBS “Early Show” this morning, and this interview (video below) is so touching that it very nearly melted the ice surrounding my withered black heart. Yes, not only has Williams gotten a job offer and a house from the Cleveland Cavaliers (NFL Films is also said to be interested), he’s also supposed to fly to New York today to be reunited with his 92-year-old mother in his native Brooklyn. In the video, Williams fights back tears of joy as he talks about how he feared his mother would die before he turned his life around.

I was trying to figure out why I enjoyed this video so much, and then it hit me: it’s basically the exact opposite of every reality TV show.

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In case you didn’t see Adam Lambert’s performance at the AMAs, congratulations, you have better things to do than watch the AMAs. But the “American Idol” runner-up created controversy by kissing a guy and simulating oral sex (the gay kind! Gross!) during his performance of his new single. I was going to write the name of the song but I can’t remember what it’s called, because I’ve never heard it and I don’t really care. Something about “entertainment,” I think.

Anyway, ABC got some heat from viewers, at least 1500 of whom wrote in to say that they hate fags, so the Disney-owned network canceled his appearance on “Good Morning America” set for tomorrow. But there’s good news for people who need to see their favorite “American Idol” contestants on morning television, because CBS’s “Early Show” swooped in and booked him as soon as “GMA” bumped him.

Obviously, I don’t give a crap about any of this. My whole purpose for writing about this was to post an animated .GIF of the male-on-male simulated fellatio, but the image seems to have stopped working. And that’s really too bad, because it was a seamless .GIF image — an unending loop of head-bobbing gay blowjob. Just the way your dad likes it.

People, I assure you: this clip of CBS correspondent Debbye Turner Bell getting an eyeful of beaver pee on “The Early Show” is the only safe-for-work video you’re ever going to get if you happen to Google “beaver urinating on woman’s face.” But this is nothing. Over on “The Today Show,” Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb went to a farm and took turns handling an ejaculating cock. Thanks, and tip your waitress.