In a fortuitous twist of romantic fate, Warming Glow’s listmaker-in-chief Josh Kurp and I both got engaged within the same month this fall. No, NOT TO EACH OTHER, har har har. The coincidence got us to talking about TV’s finest marriage proposals, and we knew right away that it needed to be added to the official pantheon of Warming Glow lists.

However, instead of letting Josh do his usual thing and just make a list for you, I demanded to get in the way and talk about TV episodes I’d never seen. It’s one of my better gifts. What follows is Josh’s list and our accompanying Gchat (edited for clarity). Spoilers follow, if you’re five years or a decade behind on watching TV.

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What could possibl-eye go wrong? This Australian TV clip of a woman hand-feeding a great white shark creeps me the F out. [The Daily What]

CUPCAKE ORGY! A gallery of elaborate cupcakes to stimulate our chubby readers. [Uproxx]

Trailer: Yep, it’s a ‘Facts of Life’ porn parody. Props to Vince for landing his first porn-related exclusive. The first of many, I can only assume. [FilmDrunk]

It never gets old: dogs playing poker. [pandapuzzle]

These women throw like girls. Avril Lavigne and other female celebrities throwing out opening pitches. Victoria Beckham’s is particularly shameful. [With Leather]

20 of the Greatest Flash Mobs Ever Conducted. Oh, I didn’t realize that 20 different flash mobs had fallen off a cliff. [Uproxx]

The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. Dating unemployed people sucks, according to me. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

George Lucas Strikes Back. Entirely believable fake trailer: George Lucas was kidnapped twenty years ago and replaces with an impostor bent on destroying our childhood memories. [Gamma Squad]

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I’m wrapping things up a little early to leave for a long weekend in the Caribbean. As usual, I won’t say exactly where, but here’s a hint: it has the highest flag-to-native ratio in the world. Your guest blogger for Monday will be the incomparable Mike Tunison; I’ll be back to the grind on Tuesday. (GIF via)

Big Love (HBO, Sunday) — Series finale. From what I’ve heard, the final season has been much better than the disappointing fourth year, possibly because Bill Henrickson’s (Bill Paxton) political career is getting derailed by statutory rape charges. Unless statutory rape charges help the citizens of Utah identify with him.

Super Nanny (ABC, Friday) — Series finale. Oh no, parents might actually have to raise their own children now.

Ax Men (History, Sunday) — Season finale. Not to be confused with “AXE Men,” which is about date rape. Man, this is a really rape-y Weekend Preview.

Detroit 1-8-7 (ABC, Sunday) — Season finale. And probably the series finale, too. Matt Millen thinks this show deserves another seven seasons.

Charlie Sheen: On the Brink (TLC, Sunday) –On the brink of WINNING!

The Pee-Wee Herman Show on Broadway (HBO, Saturday) — I sometimes think I’m the only person from my peer group who never found Pee-Wee Herman funny. At nine years old, I was like, “Dude, grow UP.”

"...and then he bought me some shoes and called me pretty and told me my shoes looked great and bought me more shoes and we lived happily ever shoes."

For this week’s list, we sent Josh Kurp into the darkest realms of the Internet: fan fiction forums. But since the grotesque sexual perversions of geeks are well documented elsewhere, we gave him two restraints: 1. No slash fiction, and 2. No sci-fi or genre shows, because NERDS. As you’ll see, that still left plenty of terrifying room for child abuse, lynching, and haikus. -Ed.

After reading through seemingly hundreds of fan fiction stories based on television shows, most of which can be found here, I have to say: the human race is doomed. If the “mature” page for, say, “Six Feet Under” is any indication, we so-called civilized creatures are HUGE fans of murder and incest, sometimes in the same story. Below are excerpts from ten of the most disturbing fan fiction stories I found — non-sic’d, because I don’t have all day here.

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It’s relatively well known that DJ Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith turned down the opportunity to star in 1990′s House Party — roles that eventually went to Kid and Play. Not such a bad deal, as Smith is now so successful that he’s turned to making his children into stars, while Jazzy Jeff… well, at least Jazzy Jeff has a Twitter account.

However, as Christopher “Kid” Reid revealed in a red carpet interview (see video below), Kid and Play turned down the NBC sitcom that would eventually become “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” Ooh, dat’s gotta hoit.

“Later on, we were talking about doing a sitcom over at NBC. We backed out of that because they canceled our cartoon series. So we were pissed off and were like, ‘Eh, we’re not working with you.’ And then Will got that slot — ‘Fresh Prince’ became that. So that stuff kinda evens out. What ever happened to Will Smith? I never see the guy anywhere.”

That’s incredible to me. Think about the alternate universe where Will Smith’s stardom peaked with House Party before he withered into a footnote of ’90s pop culture. And Christopher Reid is a household name, arguably the biggest movie star in the world. Married to Halle Berry, probably. Now that I think about it, I really have to credit Kid for not committing suicide. (Yet.)

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