Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag — the unapologetic villains of “The Hills” and arguably the most shameless famewhores of the 21st century — were ubiquitous in the gossip news cycle until America’s collective revulsion finally rendered them obsolete. Now, in a lengthy and revealing interview with The Daily Beast, they recognize making mistakes in their intertwined careers and personal lives. The whole thing is worth reading, but here’s the crux of it:

They’re broke and living at Spencer’s parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara because of the free rent; Heidi’s body and face are forever changed from plastic surgeries she now wishes she had not gotten; their relationships with friends and family are severely damaged; and they have found themselves largely unemployable, both on camera and off.

Other revelations: “Reality TV is not a career” (Spencer); the couple spent $2 million on Heidi’s hilariously terrible attempt at a music career; Spencer estimates he spent $1 million on clothes he wore once and threw away (“I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props”); and much of the drama between them — not just for the cameras, but in their lives — was faked (they’ve never broken up).

All in all, The Daily Beast article paints a fairly sympathetic picture of them — two young people caught up in the notion of fame, used by a TV network and a celebrity culture all too happy to exploit their naïveté. I actually felt a little bit of pity for them. Then I did an image search for “spencer pratt heidi montag,” and I remembered, “Oh right, these people are AWFUL.” A rent-free beach house in Santa Barabara? F**K YOU. I’ll feel a tiny modicum of respect for them when they pay for a lousy apartment in a crappy neighborhood with money they earned doing construction work or busing tables, because that’s what NON-entitled assh*les do.

Oh man oh God oh man Oh God oh man. Good news, everybody. GREAT news. Heidi and Spencer Pratt are filing for bankruptcy. They’ve lost everything. What a terrific day this is. I can’t remember ever being so happy.

The cash-strapped couple have reportedly squandered their combined $10 million fortune on living a lavish lifestyle, which included the use of private jets and six cars.

A further $3 million was wasted on the surgery-obsessed blonde’s failed music career, while renting a home in Malibu, California, set the pair back $35,000 a month, and Heidi’s bout of ten cosmetic procedures in 2009 is believed to have cost the duo – who recently rekindled their romance after parting ways in April – tens of thousands of dollars.

Additionally, Heidi and Spencer are now faced with a $2 million tax bill, which they are unable to pay.

The couple are now living in a studio apartment in the grounds of Spencer’s parents’ home. He said: “I feel like I’m 14 years old again. My parents are my lifeline.” [Contact Music via Best Week Ever]

Oh God, that was fantastic. Was it good for you, too? I could go for a cigarette right now. Right after I get cleaned up.

“The Hills” aired its final episode last night, and it should go without saying that I’m happy that the insipid, insultingly stupid empty candy shell of a reality series about non-celebrities who became tabloid stars will never again air a new episode. However, to the show’s credit, it did end on a mildly intelligent note:

As Kristin Cavallari pulled away, off to Europe to “find” herself, pal and former flame Brody Jenner stood on an empty LA street to watch her go. It was a bittersweet, emotional moment. But then the backdrop rolled away, the cameras panned out, and we saw that Jenner was now standing on a Hollywood lot, surrounded by crews, and that Cavallari’s car was parked just a few feet away. She got out, they hugged, and that was that. [NYDN]

Don’t get me wrong: I still hate everything about the show with every thread in the fabric of my black, black soul, but I think it was decent of the show’s producers to acknowledge that, yes, they really were making a scripted show without actors and passing it off as reality television. “But the awkward silences! The awkward silences seemed so real!”

Not a bad day for old Danger Guerrero.  Only one “Bring back Matt” in the comments.  Although I’m sure the multitude of posts about sexy foreign chicks didn’t hurt.  K, I’m outta here.  Smell ya later.  (*throws smoke ball on ground, smoke clears, DG is still in room coughing*) Crap.  That woulda been cool.

Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg (Comedy Central, Friday) – Tonight at 9:30.  I’m on record as being a huge stand up comedy snob, and Mitch Hedberg is a major reason why.  This special is so good it exposes other hacky comedians for what they are.  It’s a crying shame he died so young.

The Hills: From the Beginning (MTV, Friday) – I wouldn’t watch this show if it was projected onto Marky Mark’s glorious abs.  CONFOUNDIT!  That’s not what I meant!  If only computers came equipped with some sort of “delete” or “remove” key for such snafus!

Bath Crashers (DIY, Friday) – A show about what Jaleel While allegedly did to his wife?  Already?  That was a fast.

The 2010 International Hooters Swimsuit Pageant (Spike, Saturday) – Average Spike viewer: “Bro, I totally think I nailed that one last weekend.  Wait, no.  She’s from Japan.  I drank a hundred beers, but I’d have remembered a sideways vagina.”

Entourage/Hung (HBO, Sunday) – After a week off, HBO is back with new episodes of its groundbreaking “Shows about giant dicks” Sunday night lineup.

100 Greatest Songs of the 90s (VH1, Friday) – A rerun, but worth noting to point out how much of a travesty it was that NOT.  A.  SINGLE.  Boyz II Men song made this list.  *puts on pastel dress shirt, drives to beach, sits on giant rock, stares out to sea, shirt blows in wind, BELTS OUT “End of the Road”*

You may remember Jason Wahler, the Colin Farrell knock-off pictured above, as Lauren Conrad’s boyfriend with the chinstrap beard back when people still talked about “The Hills.” This past weekend, Wahler, 23, was arrested for the seventh time in recent years after he allegedly struck a woman at a party.

Wahler was taken into custody around 1:45 a.m., booked on a misdemeanor battery charge, and is currently being held on $20,000 bail.

“I am ashamed of everything,” Wahler said to Us Magazine after back-to-back arrests in March for a DUI and a bar fight in Mexico. “I never want to drink again … God did that to me, so maybe I would be at [rock] bottom and want to climb my way to the top.” [Fancast]

Man, I wish God would stop doing these things to Jason Wahler. Making him drink and fight people. Knock it off, God.

You know, everyone freaked out at the notion of death panels when health care reform was getting pushed, but I think an aggressive euthanasia program would improve both our country AND the quality of our television programming. I haven’t worked out the details of who should live and who should die, but needless to say, if you’re an entitled prick from a rich white family and your only skills are smoking, growing facial hair, and getting arrested seven times before your 24th birthday, I see a bright future for you. As fertilizer.