The Hills (MTV) — Season premiere. The supposed drama tonight comes from whether or not Heidi’s pregnant. Um, seriously MTV? We kind of would have heard from the tabloids by now if that were the case. Also, if my daydreams are at all true, doctors replaced Heidi’s uterus with a balloon filled with rat poison during her last round of plastic surgery.

Glee (Fox) — I’ve frequently written little snippets about how I briefly enjoyed this show, but Dan Suitor has a great article at Gawker TV about how the show has traded in its dark and satirical side for a bigger audience.

Lost (ABC) — WHAT? It’s not a new episode?!?!? O time, you cruel mistress, move faster!

Dancing with the Stars/American Idol (ABC/Fox) — And to think, I used to like singing and dancing.

NBA Playoffs (TNT) — Game 5 of Bulls-Cavs followed by Thunder at Lakers. C’monnnnn, earthquake!

Little Chocolatiers (TLC) — New episode of “The Real Oompa Loompas of Utah” tonight. There are also re-runs of “Help! I’m Turning Into a Giant” because, y’know, TLC.

Justified (FX) — This is the last time for a while. Next week I’m not including it in the listings, but it’ll still be on, okay? So just shut your little whore mouths in advance.

The final season of “The Hills” begins tonight, and Landline TV put together this video (embedded below) of kids acting out scenes from television’s #1 source of empty calories for your eyes.

The result surprisingly good — I like this much better than the “Little Jersey Shore” video they did. Probably because these kids are better actors than everyone on “The Hills.” And the girls are more attractive, too. And I’m not just saying that as a convicted pedophile. I mean that even upstanding members of society would prefer children to Lo and Stephanie Pratt, who have to be some of the most dog-faced hags in all of Los Angeles. Um, I should probably stop talking now. And move to a different state.

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There’s terrible news for vapid dipsh*ts and moronic young girls today, as PopWatch has learned of the cancellation of MTV’s “The Hills” following the coming season.

After six seasons of sex-tape rumors, Les Deux drama, and couture-filled trips to Paris, MTV and the producers of The Hills have decided it’s time for the sun to set on the reality phenom. “I think we’ve told the story of struggle and of finding yourself in L.A.,” creator Adam DiVello tells EW…

In the final 12 episodes set to begin airing on April 27 at 10 p.m. ET, fans can expect to see Audrina Patridge dating singer Ryan Cabrera and Kristin Cavallari dealing with rumors of drug abuse… Also look for Stephanie Pratt to be dealing with sobriety, coming off her DUI last year.

The fact that “The Hills” succeeded at all is an astounding testament to the way that slick editing and pop music can transfix simple minds. In a city filled with gorgeous people and aspiring actors, MTV took a bunch of barely attractive simpletons and made them improv their way through scripts so dull that characters chewing food often became a plot point. Everyone involved with this show needs to be bulldozed into a landfill.

Heidi Montag — or Heidi Pratt, or Heidi Retard-Pratt, I’m not sure which she’s going with these days — followed up the TEN cosmetic surgeries she underwent in November with the wildly successful release of her new album, the appropriately titled Superficial. In fact, the album was downloaded a whopping 658 times in its first week! It’s already gone gold! What’s that? Oh. I’m being told that “gold” is 500 thousand in sales, not 500. Okay, so it’s not platinum, and it’s not gold. What about tin? Rusty tin?

[Montag] told Entertainment Weekly last week that she went broke making Superficial but thought that “within the first week, we will definitely make our money back.”

She told EW, “I put every dollar I have into this. I’ve spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality… The songs will make an impact in pop history.” [Us]

I want to take joy in her going broke, but that was probably just typical hyperbole lying from this attention-craving oxygen thief. She also told Billy Bush that she almost died during her surgery, which her doctor denied. Go ahead, watch that clip of her talking to Bush. It lends credence to the theory that dolphins are more intelligent than humans.

“The Hills” and “The City” have become increasingly irrelevant — not that they were ever relevant on any substantive plane in the first place — but that hasn’t stopped MTV from renewing both of the completely fake reality afterbirths.

Despite falling ratings, MTV’s “The Hills” will return for a sixth season. [The show] was once a must-see among the 18-34 demo [No it wasn't - Ed.] but it lost a bit of its luster with the departure of Lauren Conrad… Spinoff “The City,” starring “Hills” alum Whitney Port, has also been greenlit for a second season. [Variety]

So here’s how “The Hills” works. None of the vapid uneducated retards on the show have actual careers, so MTV gives them fake jobs. And their lives aren’t interesting, so MTV gives them story lines to act out. It’s either the most needlessly complex reality show or the laziest scripted show ever made. It’s talentless amateurs doing improv, and MTV pays each of them hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. Seriously, I’d like to meet the team of executives who keep this going. I’ve never seen Special Olympians in suits before.