This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

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Holy Knuckles. Out in Seattle, after watching a show about the Mayan prediction that the world would end in 2012 on the History Channel, a deranged woman completely lost her sh*t, as one is wont to do after watching too much History Channel. “We are all going to die?” she allegedly said. “Get me a gun. … I’m ready to die. … I’m gonna kill myself? We are all gonna die.”

But the woman couldn’t find a gun and settled for what was handy: A bread knife.

King County prosecutors claim Sabelita L. Hawkins attacked her mother with a bread knife on Dec. 15. According to the allegations, Hawkins cut through her mother’s cheek, slicing her tongue.

“The defendant chased and attacked her mother with a serrated bread knife and inflicted multiple stab wounds including a punctured lung,” Senior Deputy Prosecutor Adrienne Thomas McCoy told the court.

“This attack,” she continued, “was unprovoked and unexpected.”

Police arrived and arrested Hawkins, who continued to yell nonsensical statements about “people wearing blue and purple, and somebody named Darrell,” while also carrying on a one-sided conversation with Michael Jackson, according to officers’ report. She also threatened to kill herself.

I think my favorite part of this story is that, after stabbing her mother in the mouth and cutting off part of her tongue, she proceeded to have a one-sided conversation with Michael Jackson. That’s one what does, right? When the world is ending. You talk with the King of Pop, of course. And what do you talk about with Michael Jackson before the end of time and space arrives? What happened to Bubbles? Moonwalking tips? What was Macaulay Culkin like in the sack? Was his love with Lisa Marie Presley real? WHY ISN’T MICHAEL JACKSON ANSWERING?

Ahem. I knew there was something messed up about the History Channel ever since they stopped talking about history. I blame Pawn Stars.

(Source: Seatlepi.com)

Ah, yes, a time when NBC was more popular than CBS.

It’s a pretty slow news day so far. It’s tough to muster up the strength to care about Ryan Seacrest possibly taking over for Matt Lauer on “Today” or Marg Helgenberger crying during her final day on the set of “CSI” at 8 a.m. So, screw the present; let’s talk about the past, specifically 70 years ago.

Shortly after noon on December 8, 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered an address to Congress in Washington D.C., now known as the “Infamy Speech,” which ended with FDR asking that “Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan…a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.” And that’s how “Hogan’s Heroes” and “Baa Baa Black Sheep” became TV shows.

The speech itself is great (THREE. MINUTES. LONG.), but I also love the facts surrounding it, many of which were mentioned during last night’s History Channel special, “Pearl Harbor: 24 Hours After.” My two favorites:

“The day after Pearl Harbor, the Secret Service pressed Al Capone’s confiscated 1928 Cadillac into service to transport President Franklin D. Roosevelt to Congress to deliver his famous ‘infamy speech’ asking for a declaration of war against the Axis Powers.” (Federal Times)

“And the president might have been momentarily high from cocaine administered medicinally for a sinus problem.” (Detroit News)

Video of the speech, from our favorite cocaine-snorting, Al Capone car-driving former President, below.

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The History Channel is presently casting for a show called “Full Metal Joust,” a reality competition that will take accomplished horse riders and see who can be the best jouster. It’s just as timely and relevant as taking a bunch of engineers and seeing who can build the best trebuchet. Wait, no. The trebuchet thing is cooler.

If you are a skilled horseback rider and have the heart of a warrior, then you might have what it takes to become America’s first Full Metal Jouster and win the $100,000 grand prize.

This hard-hitting competition will recreate the raw, crushing force of 13th Century jousting battles by arming 16 fierce competitors with lances, 200 pounds of armor and a 2,000-pound war horse — all charging through an arena with one goal in mind… to become champion. [US Eventing]

Alternate title: “America’s Next Top Ren Faire Hero.” Sounds crappy, but I’ll watch on one condition: every episode ends with a loser decapitating his horse.

(thanks for the tip, Mo Charlo)

Mark Burnett, who established himself as the biggest name in reality television with hits like “Survivor” and “The Voice” (not to mention “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”), will shift his focus to scripted TV with a ten-hour miniseries for History that will tell different stories from the Bible.

The series will have five two-hour parts, Mr. Burnett said, and each will probably contain two or three biblical stories. He and his team are selecting the stories for the series, he said [translation: they're reading the Bible for the first time], which will be in production through next year and shown in 2013.

“Some of the stories are obvious,” Mr. Burnett said, like Noah’s Ark, Exodus and accounts of the birth and death of Jesus. But the project will also cover stories that Mr. Burnett said he was unfamiliar with. [NYT]

Well, Mr. Burnett, I’d like to take this opportunity to familiarize you with the official version of Sodom and Gomorrah. Did you know that people used to have sex with rocks painted to look like God’s face?

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