Back in May, I wrote about how former Food Network host Juan Carlos Cruz was arrested for trying to hire a homeless man to kill his wife. Cruz was sentenced to nine years in prison in October, but the LA Times has obtained newly released court documents about Cruz’s murder plot, and the details are fascinating:

The documents show Cruz elaborately planned how he wanted his wife killed and even provided doggie treats so his dogs would not bark…

The planning included photographs of the residence, potential escape routes, locations of building surveillance cameras and security codes, according to the 22-page report released Monday.

The defendant “asked [the hobo] to strangle the victim and to use pantyhose to strangle her if he wanted, and said something to the effect of, ‘If it ends up bloody, that’s fine … but I prefer not to have a mess,’” the document said.

I like the idea of going over a detailed murder plot with a homeless dude. “Okay, so here are the security codes, make sure the dogs stay quiet, strangle her with pantyhose, take the jewelry, and avoid the security cameras here, here, and here.” “And then I get a sandwich?” “And then you get a sandwich.”

An Orange County inmate named Malcolm Alarmo King enjoyed double portions of kosher meals for two months after he claimed Festivus, the fictional December holiday from “Seinfeld,” as his religion. King, who was released in October and is awaiting deportation back to Liberia, didn’t like the salami served in the jail and wanted a healthier option.

[The diet] didn’t sit well with the Sheriff’s Department – which pays for the food. Kosher meals are more expensive than the regular jail fare – and are reserved for those with a religious need…

Judge Johnson pulled King’s lawyer and the prosecutor aside and said he needed a religion to put down on the order to make it stick, explained [King's attorney Fred] Thiagarajah.

“I said Festivus,” said  Thiagarajah. The order was granted – three non-salami meals a day. [OC Register]

Thiagarajah admitted that it was a farce, but I’m not so sure. I mean, think about it: feats of strength, a heartfelt airing of grievances, a lone metal pole… sounds like a good religion to have in prison.

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the “Wife Swap” alumni who orchestrated the Balloon Boy hoax in October, were sentenced to jail last week. Both received four years of probation, while Dick got 90 days (of which 60 will be work-release) and mama-san got 20. Unfortunately, Christmas will come a little late this year, as the jail terms don’t begin until January 11th :(

David Lane, Richard Heene’s attorney, said he thought Schapanski delivered fair and “thoughtful” sentences but nonetheless questioned whether the rulings — especially the jail sentence imposed on Mayumi Heene for a first offense — mistook vengeance for justice. [Denver Post]

Wait. Are vengeance and justice not the same thing? *puts away pipe bomb*

Lane also said the restitution requirement [which could be $47,000 or more] would be difficult for the Heenes to uphold. As part of the sentence, the Heenes are barred from making money off the hoax.

I’ve got a foolproof plan for them to be able to pay the restitution that I think will be satisfactory for everyone. They have life insurance, right?