Yesterday I posted the baffling Hermain Cain ad that featured chief of staff Mark Block taking a drag from a cigarette and Cain breaking into a slow, creepy smile. It was obviously ripe for parody, and late-night hosts went after it with gusto. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, and Stephen Colbert all created similar spoofs of the commercial. (I’m sure Jay Leno will tackle it some time early next year.)

Not only have I embedded the videos below, but I’ve also ranked them because I enjoy stirring up pointless discussion. For further reading on this matter, please see my defining work in the genre, EMILY > ZOOEY.

THIRD PLACE: Letterman

SECOND PLACE: Conan

FIRST PLACE: Colbert

The slow smile competition at the end seals it. If you don’t want to watch the entire video, at least watch the final minute so you can see Colbert’s smile more slowly than Cain.

People enjoyed yesterday’s Aubrey Plaza GIFs so much that I decided to post her appearance on Letterman last night. She looks great, and she’s really funny even though her unsmiling, deadpan delivery doesn’t make for the most lively interview.

Surprisingly, starting at the 5:30 mark, Plaza spends the second half of the interview talking about the stroke she suffered when she was 20 and a student at NYU. It’s the first time she’s ever discussed it on TV, and to my knowledge she never discussed it publicly before Marc Maron’s WTF podcast. Apparently she lost control of the right side of her body and was stricken with expressive aphasia (the inability to speak) for three days. And as we all learned from Serene Branson, expressive aphasia is hilarious. Scary, but hilarious. Like a bear in a sidecar.

The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS) — Aubrey Plaza, AKA April from “Parks and Recreation,” is tonight’s first guest. In honor of this lovely and charming event, I’ll let April Ludgate GIFs present my opinions on tonight’s listings.

Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — Season finale. Betty White’s character gets married.

Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC) — A mother dresses her toddler daughter as Dolly Parton.

Hard Knocks: A Decade of Training Camps (HBO) — Alas, the NFL’s lockout prevented HBO from being able to produce its annual documentary of a pro team’s training camp, but this best-of special promises at least a little bit of Jets coach Rex Ryan.

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (TLC) — For once it’s not just some really fat moron. In this one, a woman goes into a coma five months after having a miscarriage, only to later find out she had twins and only miscarried one fetus.

Storage Wars (A&E) — The same episode as every week.

As I’ve stated before, I can’t watch David Letterman due to the rage blackouts I suffer when I hear or see Paul Shaffer. But Letterman can still pull some ballsy moves: on last night’s show, he reacted to a death threat on an extremist Muslim message board by basing his monologue and Top Ten list around the threat (videos below).

And why not? It’s not like the poster, someone using the alias Umar al-Basrawi, knows anything about Letterman:

“Is there not among you a Sayyid Nosair al-Mairi … to cut the tongue of this lowly Jew and shut it forever?” Al-Basrawi wrote, referring to El Sayyid Nosair, convicted of the 1990 killing of Jewish Defense League founder Meir Kahane, and to Letterman, who is not Jewish. [LA Times]

Dude, David Letterman’s from Indiana. If there are any Jews in Indiana, they’re only there by accident. Hell, I’ve made more serious death threats online. Not that the FBI needs to look into that. Let’s just forget I ever brought this up.

Harrison Ford gave one of the strangest late-night interviews of 2010 with his spaced-out appearance on “Conan,” and now he’s taken the lead in 2011 with last night’s trip to Letterman’s couch. As the Cajun Boy noted at Uproxx, Ford is rumored to be one of the biggest stoners in Hollywood, and last night’s interview will do absolutely nothing to dispel that. Even after the oddity of the Conan appearance, it’s still jarring to see Han Solo/Indiana Jones/Jack Ryan on TV talking like James Franco.

The 15-minute interview is embedded below, and I watched the entire thing even though I have the attention span of a fruit fly. There’s so much to love: the spacey look on Ford’s face as he walks onstage, a surprisingly excellent series of Elizabeth Taylor jokes, Ford disparaging the Grand Canyon, his rambling introduction to the Cowboys & Aliens clip, and horseback riding. Yes, horseback riding (it’s what they called acting with Liz Taylor back in the day).

James Whittemore, a 22-year-old aspiring actor, was arrested early Sunday morning after he concluded a drunken bender by smashing the glass doors and lobby of the Ed Sullivan Theater, the home of “The Late Show with David Letterman.” Stand by for hilarious reporting from the New York Daily News…

Whittemore, tore through the box-office and lobby of the historic Ed Sullivan Theater, shattering the front doors and upending trash cans, a source close to the investigation said.

Whittemore, of Harlem, apparently used only his feet to kick in the doors, police sources said.

I know that it’s a shame to do something like that to a historic old theater, but man… that sounds like a blast. When I was 22, one of my favorite things to do in the world was get drunk and break things. Game respect game.

The “blind drunk” thespian was charged with burglary and criminal mischief, and accused of at least $2,000 in damage, cops said. He was hospitalized with a cut on his forehead.

Whittemore, who is originally from Enfield, Conn, is a singer and actor who has appeared in regional shows, including “Celebration of the Sixties” at the Tropicana Resort Casino in Atlantic City and “We Got the Beat” at Six Flags New England in Springfield, Mass.

OH MY GOD YES. How was that information not in the headline? “Man Who Sang Go-Gos Song at Six Flags Trashes Letterman Theater.” Don’t bury the lede, people.

He’s a fan of all the Boston sports teams, according to Facebook.

Change 2: “Red Sox Fan Who Sang Go-Gos Song at Six Flags Trashes Letterman Theater.”

OW-AH DRUNKEN RAMPAGES AHH GRITTIAH THAN YOWAH DRUNKEN RAMPAGES!

He’s also known for quoting another off-the-deep-end actor, Charlie Sheen, on Twitter. Repeating one Sheen-ism, Whittemore tweeted on April 9: “I have one gear. Go go go.”

Added Whittemore: “I have only one favorite band. The Go-Gos.”

“He was the life of a party, in a good way,” said one of his roommates, Charles McGowan.

“Like, if you needed a window smashed or trash can upended, he was the man for the job.”

Anyway, “The Late Show” stage was padlocked and unharmed, and Letterman will tape at the normal time today. Like I always say, no harm, no foul. Just misdemeanor charges.

Bill Hader of “Saturday Night Live” was a guest on “The Late Show” this week, and he talked with David Letterman about the genesis of his wildly popular Stefon character on Weekend Update. Apparently, Stefon was developed by Hader and”SNL” writer John Mulaney (whose stand-up is great if you ever get the chance to watch him) — the crazy assets of “New York’s hottest clubs” comes from a promoter that Mulaney knew, while Stefon’s nervous mannerisms are those of a barista that served Hader.

And for anyone who’s curious as to why Hader can never make it through a sketch as Stefon without laughing, it’s because everyone on the set is conspiring against him: Seth Meyers, the cue card guy, even Mulaney — who changes jokes at the last second to catch Hader off guard. It’s all very endearing and makes me like the character even more, which means that this will all be ruined by a Stefon movie in 2012.

[Gawker TV via Vulture]

Betty White turned 89 this week, and she celebrated by appearing on Letterman and admitting that one of her hobbies was “vodka.” That’s when Dave busted out the bottle of Grey Goose and poured a couple glasses. I can’t say I approve of the choice of vodka (if you must drink such a boring spirit, at least make it Russian Standard), but I have to credit Letterman for making sure the label was turned away from the camera.

In the grand tradition of drinking on television, this doesn’t measure up to Joel McHale swigging Macallan and making fun of Kathie Lee and Hoda on “The Today Show,” but I definitely award Betty bonus points for still being cool at her age. Hell, she gets bonus points just for being alive at this point.

VIDEO:

In my long and extensive study of dog videos on the Internet, one of my all-time favorites will always be Mambo Dog (who is actually Merengue Dog, but “mambo” sounds better), who I first showcased here last fall before a different video of her circulated this summer. Well, Sofia Vergara went on Letterman last night, and besides being radiant and charming and sexy as hell, she also happens to go way back with Mambo Dog. Here’s the relevant exchange (starts around the 1:35 mark):

Dave: You also, a couple years ago, appeared on a television show with the dog from Chile.
Sofia: The dog that you had here! Yeah, I know. It’s like, now they’re making it such a big deal. That dog has been dancing for like ten years. I’ve been on many TV shows with him. He’s a regular.
Dave: Well, you know, that’s what they say about an “overnight sensation.” The dog’s been working for a decade.
Sofia: Yeah, that happened to me, too.

Oh man. Not fair. She’s a beautiful, rich, funny Latina goddess AND she knows Mambo Dog? I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t be with her.

Below: the YouTube clip of the TV show that Letterman mentioned, as well as Mambo Dog’s appearance on “The Late Show.” Also, Mambo Dog has a Facebook page. Friend request: SENT!

Now that Joaquin Phoenix is done with his bearded rapping ruse for the faux docu-turd I’m Still Here, he returned to Letterman for the first time since Awkwardgate (watch that interview here).

In the video below, Letterman wrestles an apology from Phoenix for being such a d-ckhead during his February ’09 appearance, but not before Phoenix explains his fascination with reality television and his desire to make a statement about celebrity and our willingness to accept reality TV as “real,” blah blah blah. It’s pretty good, especially because Letterman never pulls any punches. If you were ever interested in Phoenix’s stunt, then this is worth your time. If not, move along. I’ll have something about cute kitties in another hour or so.

UPDATE: Official video from CBS is up, so it won’t be taken down again.