Now that Joaquin Phoenix is done with his bearded rapping ruse for the faux docu-turd I’m Still Here, he returned to Letterman for the first time since Awkwardgate (watch that interview here).

In the video below, Letterman wrestles an apology from Phoenix for being such a d-ckhead during his February ’09 appearance, but not before Phoenix explains his fascination with reality television and his desire to make a statement about celebrity and our willingness to accept reality TV as “real,” blah blah blah. It’s pretty good, especially because Letterman never pulls any punches. If you were ever interested in Phoenix’s stunt, then this is worth your time. If not, move along. I’ll have something about cute kitties in another hour or so.

UPDATE: Official video from CBS is up, so it won’t be taken down again.

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The Late Show (CBS, Friday) — Johnny Depp and Megan Fox are the guests. Yup, they’re really god-looking. And yet CBS will probably still cut away from them to show Paul Shaffer and the cancerous bald penis that passes as his head guffawing at Dave’s jokes. I want to beat that guy to death with his own keyboard.

Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Remember when the Japanese whalers messed up the hippies’ precious speedboat? That’s this episode.

The Bridge (CBS, Saturday) — This is a Canadian show that debuted last week. It may shock you to learn that it’s a police procedural. On CBS of all places! Crazy, right?

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) — One of my favorite things about Warming Glow readers is that no one tries to cajole me into watching this show. It’s like, thanks, but I’ll wait until the American remake improves upon the original. Also, British food sucks, England would speak German if not for the U.S. of A., and the England soccer team isn’t even good any more. Oh, and the queen’s a slut. I think that about covers it.

Expedition Great White (NatGeo, Saturday) — I’m not sure why we need three hours of this or what Paul Walker’s doing there (probably sitting around with his mouth open), but hey: sharks!

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — I still haven’t watched last Sunday’s episode. Did I miss any titties? Because I’m not gonna bother watching if there weren’t any titties.

The Gates (ABC) — Finally! A vampire show on Sundays!

Holly’s World (E!, Sunday) — Whoa, Holly Madison has her own reality show? I had no idea. I’m sure it’s because she’s so “charismatic” *blowjob motion*

Here’s part of John Goodman’s appearance on “The Late Show” last night, in which Goodman admits to David Letterman that he was “pushing 400.” I think he means 400 pounds, although you can also infer that he was pushing 400 crullers into his mouth every week. And I think he’d be okay with me making that joke, because he displays a pretty good sense of humor throughout the clip.

Goodman’s weight loss really is startling. He is an absolute behemoth of a man on the first season of “Treme,” and it’s good to see him looking healthier. He and my dad were born in the same year (1952), and my dad’s already had a heart attack without being anywhere near the blob of goo that Goodman used to be. It’s gotta be one of those things where a doctor said, “Uh, you’re going to DIE if you don’t lose weight.” And Goodman took the advice seriously because it’s summer and he’s a celebrity. Dear God, take Kirstie Alley if you must, but let us have John Goodman for a few more years.

I try to avoid talking about music here, partly because I’m no longer up to speed on what the cool kids like, but mostly because people are annoyingly opinionated about what they like and dislike. That said, there are only three acts that I faithfully follow these days (The National, The Hold Steady, and anything Jack White does), and two of them were on late-night television last night: The National on Letterman (above, with special guest Sufjan Stevens) and The Hold Steady on Colbert (below).

Both bands are promoting new albums; The Hold Steady’s Heaven Is Whenever is great for drinking with friends, while The National’s High Violet is better for drinking alone, especially the aural heroin of “Bloodbuzz Ohio” (and since I’m only talking about Jack White parenthetically, there’s also the Dead Weather’s new Sea of Cowards to enjoy).

Anyway, enough gay talk about music. Hey, look at Craig Finn! He looks like the nerdy guy from Ocean’s 11!

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Dr. Phil was a guest on “The Late Show” last night, and he brought up the late-night wars that provided us so much conversational fodder during the cold winter months. And Letterman, bless his heart, calls Leno a “boob” and promptly shuts down Dr. Phil when that southern-fried retard tries to stick up for Leno. Of course Dr. Phil likes Leno. My God that dude is one bland lameass.

And someone at CBS agrees with me, because the description for this video — from CBS’s official YouTube channel — reads:

“It’s the late-night wars revisited with Dave and that quack, Dr. Phil.”

Hear hear. Dr. Phil is proof that Oprah is evil. I feel like she put him on TV to win a bet. Like someone bet her a million dollars she couldn’t take a guidance counselor in a Kentucky middle school and make him a TV star.