The Price of Beauty (VH1) — Series premiere. Hey, remember when we all made fun of Jessica Simpson for wearing those mom jeans? Well, we hurt her feelings, so she went around the world to see what women in other cultures do to meet expectations of beauty. But not Jessica! She’s not gonna stay in shape just because that’s why she got famous. She’s so brave. Like a modern-day Joan of Arc.

20/20 (ABC) — The crew investigates behind the scenes of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” Wow, an ABC news show reporting on an ABC reality show? The journalistic integrity is staggering.

Top Gear (BBC America) — Season premiere. Eric Bana makes an appearance tonight. I have no fondness for cars whatsoever, and I still like this show.

Gossip Girl (CW) — I can’t even pretend to care enough to write a synopsis for tonight’s episode, but I’m still in total approval of the show’s female talent.

Chuck (NBC) — Oh hey, Robert Patrick plays Casey’s former commander. You’ll always be the T-1000 to me, Bob.

Animal Cops: Miami (Animal Planet) — After “Whale Wars,” this has to be the most disappointing name of any show on television. WHY DON’T THE DOGS HAVE GUNS? Poochinski would be so disappointed.

A month ago there were reports that Jessica Simpson was shopping around a reality series called “The Price of Beauty,” in which Simpson would visit other cultures and explore what women do to fit different ideals of beauty. Well, VH1 — kingpin of tasteful reality TV — greenlit the project.

“I have always believed that beauty comes from within and confidence will always make a woman beautiful, but I know how much pressure some women put on themselves to look perfect.”

…said the petite blonde with large breasts who rose to stardom because of her looks.

Imagine if you had a job and everyone thought you were great at it, then you messed up and got fired, then you decided to make a TV show called “Why People in Other Cultures are Unfairly Fired.”  That’s what this is, except it’s about Jessica Simpson’s hurt feelings because she wore clothes that made her look fat.

Listen, I don’t want to take away from the fact that society DOES place pressure on women to look good, and it IS unfair.  But you know who it’s not unfair to?  Beautiful wealthy people who don’t work long hours in an office and can hire a personal trainer to go with them wherever they travel.  Sorry Jess, the Internet is fresh outta sympathy today.