Last night on Bravo’s “Watch What Happens,” Ashley from Milwaukee called in to express her fondness for “Community” star Yvette Nicole Brown’s masterful Golden-Globe winning turn in last year’s The Help. There was only one catch: Yvette Nicole Brown wasn’t in The Help. But Octavia Spencer was, and, well, she’s black. And a plus-sized woman. How is anyone supposed to know they are different people?

Poor Ashley from Milwaukee, she just wanted to be on TV. To be fair, Sherri Shepherd was also on the show, and that probably threw her off. She saw two heavy-set black women on stage and she probably thought, what the hell. How many plus-sized black women could there be in Hollywood, anyway? It has to be one of them, right? And if she’s wrong, what does she lose besides HER DIGNITY.

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The other day on “The View,” while interviewing Claire Danes about whatever the hell Claire Danes is up to, Whoopi Goldberg farted on live television. In a post that I refuse to link to out of principle, titled “Whoopi Goldberg Rips LOUD Fart On ‘The View,’” TMZ handled the situation with the quiet grace they’ve become known for:

Whoopi “Cushion” Goldberg strikes again — tearing ass this morning on “The View” so loudly … she nearly put a hole in her seat.

[bangs head on desk]

You know what? No. I’m not talking about this. I know as a TV blogger I’m supposed to talk about funny, newsworthy stories, but… I have a LAW DEGREE. I passed the bar exam. I mean, I’ll cover stories about those dopes on “Jersey Shore,” and I’ll occasionally post about the Kardashians, but there is no way — NO WAY — I’m discussing the merits of a story by the jamooks at TMZ about Whoopi Goldberg farting on television. Not today at least. I don’t have it in me. Instead, here is a video of a penguin fetching the newspaper.

Have a blessed day.

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Welcome to today’s links. The dashing mustache puppy got his top hat and monocle from F Yeah Dementia.

Week in Review. Don’t worry, there’s a lot more pop culture stuff than tsunami news. [UPROXX]

The Dugout: Minnesota Twins. 95% of all my baseball knowledge comes from The Dugout. It’s how I know that JIM THOME is on the Twins and that Bill Pecota is a supernatural baseball spirit. [With Leather]

FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON *shoots self* A surprisingly well-made mash-up of Friday and “Friday.” This video is actually the first time I’ve listened to the entire song. [FilmDrunk] (GIF via)

Guiltiest Dog Ever. If this video doesn’t make you laugh, you’re coming to the wrong blog for TV news. [Gamma Squad]

March Madness and Your Job: Can They Coexist? Answer: Yes, as long as your boss is cool with you not doing your job as you drink at work. [Smoking Section]

I don’t care about your wedding. Sex and fantasy football advice from someone who’s at least mediocre at one of those things. [KSK]

Biggest. Upgrade. Ever. Olivia Munn filled in for Kathie Lee Gifford on “The Today Show” yesterday by wearing a sexy green dress and getting drunk. You should probably take back anything bad you’ve said about her. [TV Squad]

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Best Supporting Actress Academy Award winner (for 1995′s Theodore Rex) Whoopi Goldberg shocked middling housewives and gay guys who didn’t have to go to work when she sympathized with Charlie Sheen by explaining how she was once so hopped up on goofballs that she took a crap in her bed to keep monsters from killing her.  Is it weird that Theodore Rex is the only joke in this paragraph?

She pooped and pissed herself into sobriety.  So that’s your pleasant image for the day.  A cracked-out, mid-90s Whoopsie Goldberg in the fourth day of a bed-in, caked in her own refuse, scared to go film her cameo as Buckwheat’s Mom in the Little Rascals movie because the floor is lava.  I hope that when her roommate found her, she busted out some form of “you sho’ is ugly.”

(Watch the video, or better yet, for the love of God don’t below)

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To make amends for the controversial walk-out two weeks ago, Bill O’Reilly went back to “The View” in costume for Halloween, and Whoopi Goldberg settled the score with him by interrupting the discussion with the world’s longest fart. True story.

(For people who don’t enjoy my version of reality, this video was taken from O’Reilly’s appearance on “The View” last year. Thanks to Vadim for the delightful edit.)