I hate the Sh*t X Say meme as much as the next guy who isn’t a Jamaican using the drive-thru. I thought it had reached its logical conclusion with “Sh*t Seattle People Say When It Snows Part 3,” a.k.a. The Trilogy (sorry, Randal), but I was wrong. Foolish. Naive, even.

The perfect endpoint is “Shit Tim Allen Says,” or more accurately, “Shit Tim Taylor Says.”

It’s brilliant, a response to the fact that no one’s actually saying anything in the Sh*t videos. They’re just a series of observational non-jokes that even Carlos Mencia wouldn’t steal (probably). “I ALSO hate it when that stoplight never changes to green when it’s below 50 degrees on the third Tuesday of every May outside of that bar that means something to me, but NOTHING to anyone else.” It’s the lowest form of comedy – not unlike Tim Taylor’s “Home Improvement” he-man grunts and UHHHHHNNNNs. Though if you play them all in a row backwards, you’ll hear an amazing short story about women’s suffrage, Balki from “Perfect Strangers,” and power tools.

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Inside Story: Santa Clause (BIO) – Ever wonder how/why Tim Allen’s The Santa Clause was made 17 years ago? Yeah, me neither, but at 8 p.m., it’s either this, “Glee,” or Allen’s new turd of a contribution to pop culture, “Last Man Standing.” MERRY CHRISTMAS, AMERICA.

Raising Hope (FOX) – I’m a sucker for It’s a Wonderful Life parodies, and this is supposed to be a great one. It wonders what Jimmy’s life would look like if he had never met Hope’s serial killer mom, played by Bijou Phillips?

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) – It’s religion night on CBS, with episodes of various “NCIS”’ named “Newborn King” and “Higher Power.” And somewhere, a Tebow smiles.

Proving God (History) – “New scientific discoveries and digital age technology try to reveal tangible proof of God.” I’m going to guess the scientists didn’t find enough evidence either way to prove that He/She does or doesn’t exist. Just a hunch.

My Big Breasts and Me (BBC America) – As I’m sure you’re aware of, this special originally aired in 2007. But considering it’s a weak night for TV, why not settle in with an old favorite?

Late-Night Guests: Barbara Walters and Bill Hader discuss their riot grrrl days with Wild Flag on Letterman; Dana Carvey and Lenny Kravitz wonder what went wrong, while Jason Reitman hypes Young Adult on Leno; Death Cab for Cutie sing about feelings to Josh Holloway and Molly Sims on Kimmel; Morena Baccarin and Ben Kingsley chat about how best to put Ghandi in “Homeland” on Ferguson; Nick Vatterott and Nick Frost make quips about sharing a first name on Conan; Lawrence Lessig explains that money is destroying our society on Stewart; and Mark Whitaker answers the age-old question of what it’s like to be Executive Vice President of CNN on Colbert.

Last Man Standing (ABC) — Series premiere. This is a key cog in ABC’s “men are two-dimensional idiots” sitcom block, with the exquisitely terrible-looking “Man Up!” premiering next week. In “Last Man Standing,” an equally stupid-looking insult to modernity, Tim Allen stars as a manly-man outdoor goods executive with a wife and three daughters. See, it’s funny because he laments the state of the world and the way nothing is manly enough. GRRRRR TODAY’S MEN DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A TIRE OR SLAP THEIR WIVES!!!! NOW SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE INTERNET TO ME BECAUSE IT’S ONLY FOR SISSIES!!!

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Julianne Hough returns for the results show to promote Footloose and do a creepy partner dance with her brother.

BET Hip Hop Awards (BET) — Lil Wayne leads the way with 18 nominations, while Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa are behind him with nine apiece. Tune in for a little bit, if just to mention it casually to your token black friend — unless you ARE black, in which case: WELCOME, BLACK READER. Please stay and join us. We’re trying to diversify.

90210 (The CW) — Brandy joins the cast… as a political candidate. As in: an adult, not a student. I remember when she was all young and teenaged and whatnot. Now kindly get off my lawn.

ALCS: Rangers at Tigers (Fox) — Man, I love the baseball playoffs when the Yankees and Red Sox aren’t playing. Take Joe Buck out of the equation, and I’d probably watch it.

Soccer: United States versus Ecuador (ESPN) — Can the underdog economic giant with 300 million people topple the mighty equatorial province? Tune in to to find out.

September 8th marks the birthday of several unexciting people of middling importance: musicians Pink and Aimee Mann, more talented musician Neko Case, aging cheesecake Brooke Burke, your favorite TV blogger, and perhaps least important of all, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Thomas, the former child star and Tiger Beat cover model, turns 30 today, and these recent photos from “Home Improvement’s” 20-year reunion show why he never made the jump to adult star: he never made the jump to adult height. But at least he looks better than the dude who played the youngest kid. Total child molester look to him.

(The guy who played Brad looks like a bearded Drew Magary, btw.)

[via D Listed]

Sure, there’s more TV news out there right now. But you know what? Screw it. It’s Friday, and you and I both deserve a break. So instead of scouring the Internet for newsy stories like some corporate drone, I’m posting this hyper-trippy Bob Ross dubstep video (NSFW audio), and a techno song that prominently features clips of Tim Allen grunting from “Home Improvement.”

So take some spoofballs or magic toast or whatever hip new drugs you kids are taking nowadays, kill the lights, lean back in your chair, and drift off into Weirdville. Tell your boss I said it’s okay.

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