It’s been a little while since we checked in on Jon and Kate Gosselin, the former stars of TLC’s “HEY LOOGIT ALL THE KIDS THEY HAVE” “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Their show has been off the air for two years now, so, naturally, they have started to look for some other ways to support themselves. Let’s see what Kate’s up to first. I heard she was putting together a cruise where her fans could meet her. Sounds neat!

Kate Gosselin’s event on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship has been canceled because of poor turnout and low ticket sales, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

The mother of eight was supposed to set sail from August 12 to August 19 at a rate of $1,900-$3,175 per ticket, but it’s no longer happening and all cruise-goers have been fully refunded. [Radar Online]

Oh. What about you, Jon? Last we heard from you, you were cruising Los Angeles in Ed Hardy shirts lookin’ for babes. LIVIN THE LIFE!

The father-of-eight and a former Jon & Kate Plus 8 star has a day job, working in construction, but last night Gosselin proved he also has a talent for spinning records.

The 35-year-old was spotted at D.H.H Langel Middle School where he and his current squeeze – Liz Jannetta – kept the party going for the 13 and 14-year-olds. [Radar Online]

Oh.

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TLC, formerly The Learning Channel before it was apparently purchased by Satan’s Vagina, is trotting out another one of its brilliant reality shows designed to exploit the overweight, the terminal, and the ugly for our viewing pleasure. This one is called “Obese and Expecting.”

The network is set to unveil “Obese & Expecting,” about four moms-to-be who are morbidly overweight. The project will chronicle their health crises, weight gain and relationship struggles as they strive to deliver healthy babies. According to the upcoming announcement, “These women are challenging the perception — and the odds — of obese pregnancies, as they become moms, no matter their size or complications.”

Of course, it’s more of the same: Horrible voyeuristic crap. As someone whose wife just went through one of childbirth’s most rare, most complicated pregnancies, a pregnancy that would make most people piss themselves in fear, I can tell you this: It’s not very exciting. It’s a lot of sitting on your ass in a hospital bed, trying to find a moment of sleep while a rotation of doctors and nurses come in every half hour all day and night to poke, prod, inspect, and examine. But hey! With a some somber, foreboding music and some fancy editing techniques plus 600 POUNDS OF CELLULITE, I’m sure TLC will make it an our of your life gawking at overweight ladies that you’ll never forget.

In this Sunday’s season finale of “My Strange Addiction,” which has supplanted jazz and baseball as Most American Thing Ever, we meet 53-year-old Carrie. She’s been diagnosed with cancer, and believes there’s only one cure: drinking her own piss. She’s been consuming up to 80 ounces of pee every day for the last four years (that’s nearly 900 gallons) – usually in a glass, but occasionally through a Neti pot, which allows her to ingest it nasally. But lest you think that she didn’t truly earn her associate’s depee from Ole Piss, so to leak, know that she also bathes, washes her eyes, and brushes her teeth with her salty cure-all. (Pee puns are fun.)

“I like warm pee. It’s comforting…The first time I drank my urine, I didn’t throw up and it wasn’t horrible. So I thought, ‘You know what? I can do this.’ My urine does smell, depending on what I eat. Today it tastes a whole lot different than it did four years ago.” (MSNBPee)

But before you start not flushing, Helen Andrews of the British Dietetic Association warns:

“There are no health benefits to drinking your own urine, and in fact I think it could be quite detrimental. Each time you put it back it will come out again even more concentrated and that is not good for health as it could damage the gut. If you are stranded, your body will try to conserve as much water as it can. Drinking your urine would be like drinking seawater.” (Via)

And if you don’t trust her, “Robert B.” from Yahoo! Answers has you covered: “Your poop is refuse too, you wont eat that will you?” I think “My Strange Addiction” just found its season premiere.

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Every time I wash my hands (approximately once a week), I have to cup them, let them fill up with water, and then pour the water over the faucet. I’m not sure why I do it or where it comes from (repressed childhood memories of not being a stock photo model), but without fail, I MUST DO IT. I think that’s a strange addiction, if not OCD’y – so what does that say about the girl who’s obsessed with eating rocks?

“My Strange Addiction,” which airs on the twenty-first century’s answer to the carnival freak show, TLC, is fascinating, in a really perverse way – not unlike every reality show ever. But what separates it from other fine TLC programming, such as “Hoarding: Buried Alive” and “Extreme Couponing,” is that, for the most part, the series doesn’t force you to FEEL PITY FOR THESE MISUNDERSTOOD MONSTERS. It does a good job of acting like a documentary – here’s the messed up sh*t that they do, and here’s why they do it.

Also: it’s fun for us to go, “HAHAHAHA, look at that there guy eating glass. What a cut up.” This is a list of the show’s 10 strangest strange addicts, with an out-of-context quote from each that makes them sound like they’re discussing something much more sexual than sniffing bleach.

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This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

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