DIE IN A FIRE, TLC. Now that we’ve freed ourselves from the effing Gosselin family, TLC is serving up a show called “Table for 12.” From the New York Post: “The Hayes family, from Central New Jersey (Marlboro), has three sets of multiples via fertility treatments — two sets of twins plus sextuplets — and they’re coming to primetime just as the Gosselins’ bright tabloid star is setting.” So. Much. Hate. Filling my body. Blackness. Flames.
I’M VERY SERIOUS ABOUT TLC DYING IN A FIRE. Three words: “Cake Boss” spin-off. It’s only a web series for now. But the Nazis didn’t stop at the Sudetenland, did they?
NBC GREENLIGHTS CRIME-SOLVING MAGICIAN. Yeah, those words just happened. Crime-solving magician. Variety: “The concept centers on a master magician whose career is in ruins after he develops stage fright and agoraphobia; an elite law enforcement agency recruits him to take an unusual approach to cracking tough cases.” *praying* Listen, God, I’m sorry if I’ve doubted you recently. Just send the swarms of locusts, okay? Anything but this. Amen.
The Oregon farm belonging to the family of TLC’s “Little People, Big World” was vandalized, leaving pint-sized patriarch Matt Roloff and his family to offer $1000 for any information that leads to an arrest.
Vandals have struck the family’s Forest Grove, Ore. farm, taking 14 signs and riddling another “Welcome” sign with bullet holes. It’s the second time that the Roloffs, who star in TLC’s “Little People, Big World” reality show, have been targeted by the unseen thugs…
The 34-acre Roloff farm is a big attraction in the area and on the show, which chronicles the lives of the family–including dad Matt and wife Amy both little people, and their four kids (son Zach is also a little person). [NY Post]
Listen, before I get any angry emails, I want to apologize for the headline. I know that the appropriate term is little person, not midget. But still, you have to like the idea of a midget farm. Just a place where we can grow and harvest midgets. But don’t get too attached to them, kids. They may be adorable, but autumn’s when we slaughter and butcher them to make delicious midget bacon.
“Please kill me.”
TLC is easily the most loathsome cable channel, which is saying a lot considering VH1’s reality programming and the fact that Bravo just gave Christian Siriano and Bethenny Frankel their own shows. On Sunday night, TLC will put its spotlight on people who adopt monkeys and treat them like children with a documentary called “My Baby Monkey.” And now is the part of the blog where we learn about these people’s sorry lives:
Jesus and Carmen decided not to have children because of Jesus’ own difficult childhood. But they are devoted parents to Butters. Carmen crocheted clothes in anticipation of her daughter’s arrival, and dotes on her “baby girl,” who wears diapers sized for premature infants.
“She is gorgeous,” Jesus said in “My Monkey Baby.” “Hi, little girl. Look at those big pretty eyes,” Carmen gushed. “Yeah, those pretty eyes.”
The best part about having a monkey child? They require 24-hour attention, you have to change their diapers, and — oh yeah — they’re wild animals who will bite you, so you should probably remove their teeth. Basically, it’s like living with a demon-baby that never grows up. But they’re so cute!
He’s like Obi-Wan, except a sh-ttier father figure
Jon Gosselin has bitched forever how he didn’t really like being on “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” and it’s been obvious from the start that the show indulged Kate’s passion for getting free stuff and capitalizing on the way her dried-up reproductive system reacted to fertility drugs. So good news for everybody, because TLC fired Jon and the show will move forward as “Kate Plus Eight.”
The show will now “include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”
“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family,” Eileen O’Neill, President and GM, TLC. “The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers.” [THR]
Jon’s story, of course, is more likely to resonate with VH1 viewers, who are going to love his new show “A Shot at Love with Jon Gosselin, Assuming You’re Slutty and within Arm’s Reach.”
Meanwhile, TLC hopes to find a quick replacement husband for Kate and is reportedly looking to change the Gosselin family to the Gosling family. “Hey girl, go ahead and do that book tour. Baby-sitting your kids is like spending time with 8 little pieces of you.”
Never mind that TLC already has “18 Kids and Counting” and “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” TLC still craves MORE PROGRAMMING ABOUT LOTS OF CHILDREN!!! Both of those shows started as individual documentaries on TLC, so we may one day live in a world with a show about Mormon quintuplets:
LDS parents Jayson, 35, and Rachelle, 34, Wilkinson of Cedar Park, Texas, agreed to let TLC follow their family through a “typical” day, with special focus on quintuplets Kassidy, Kaydence, Kyndall, Rustin and Ryder, for a documentary called “Multitude of Multiples” which aired Aug. 30.
The documentary presented two other families — the Carpios and the Tabbs — but their stories focused more on the dangers and the emotional drama involved in giving birth to multiples.
Rachelle felt this aspect was important to include in any depiction of families with multiples. “People shouldn’t have a distorted view. They need to know that there are real risks involved (in giving birth to multiples),” she said.
I hope people also realize the real risks involved in being Mormon, too. Don’t get me wrong, those are probably some of the nicest people on the planet. A little too nice. Like the alternate world people in Coraline. Sure, you can be a Mormon. Just let them sew buttons over your eyes.
You may know the procreation-crazed Duggar family from the repeated TLC specials that gave birth to their series, “18 Kids and Counting.” Well, TLC, get ready to change the name of the show again, because 42-year-old matriarch Michelle is pregnant with baby #19 — just eight months after popping out the most recent sex trophy.
Michelle has now been pregnant 147 months of her life, with five more to go. That’s 12-plus years and counting. For those who are counting, the Duggars report that they have changed an estimated 90,000 diapers and do approximately 200 loads of laundry a month…
[Back story:] After Josh [their eldest] was born, Michelle went back on the pill. She got pregnant anyway and suffered a miscarriage, which her physician told them was probably caused by the pill. As conservative Christians, they decided after that to let God decide how many children they would have.
This kind of story is really hard for me to write, because I don’t want to sound like some godless liberal railing against well-meaning family-oriented Christians. Because I’m not a godless liberal. I very much look forward to having children and raising them with the proper values, et cetera. On the other hand, HOLY F-CK GOD IS NOT AGAINST MODERN SCIENCE AND MEDICINE. You can love God and have a family and go to church even after you’ve had a vasectomy, you know? Or hell, two words: pull out. I haven’t read the whole Bible, but I know for a fact that “Thou Shalt Not Blow Thy Wad on Thy Wife’s Face” is not a commandment.
