Haha, good one Jay

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — I probably won’t care enough to write about this tomorrow, but Tom DeLay has announced his withdrawal from the show. Stress fractures in both of his feet prevent him from continuing, although a doctor who provided a second opinion diagnosed it as a “bleeding vagina.”

Dirty Jobs (Discovery) — Season premiere. This is one of those host-powered cable shows — like “Man vs. Wild” or “No Reservations” — that tends to be pretty good, yet I never watch. Dude, I’ve got TV shows from last week that I still need to watch. I’m a busy man. You think these cats are going to put the clothes on themselves?

Scare Tactics (Syfy) — Season 4 premiere. This is a hidden-camera show hosted by Tracy Morgan in which unsuspecting rubes are subjected to terrifying pranks.  Three seasons of a Tracy Morgan project previously existed, and I’ve never heard of it until today. I’d be ashamed by my ignorance if my job required me to try.

Parking Wars (A&E) — Season 2 premiere. Finally, a reality series that offers a sympathetic look at the brave patriots who write tickets and tow illegally parked cars. *hums ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’*

NCIS / NCIS: Los Angeles / The Good Wife (CBS) — “America’s Most Watched Network.” Sighhhh. I wonder if there’s a world record for most facepalms in a day. Because I’d be challenging it daily.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t even watched last week’s episode yet. This is what happens when I try to do crazy things like “go outside.”

Kings Ransom (ESPN) — I guess ESPN is doing something called “30 at 30″ that I haven’t bothered to learn anything about, because I try to avoid ESPN and don’t read Bill Simmons. But this is about Wayne Gretzky’s 1988 trade from Edmonton to L.A., and it’s directed by Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights). You hockey fan out there should be interested.

The Late Show (CBS) — On tonight’s episode, Letterman does something else that brutalizes Conan in the ratings. Also: Paul Shaffer is the first guest tonight to promote his idiotic book. I’m pissed off just writing about it.

UPDATE: Now with working video.

Here’s disgraced former congressman Tom DeLay doing the cha-cha with Cheryl Burke to “Wild Thing” on last night’s “Dancing with the Stars” debut. We won’t revisit the details of what a horrible, sweatpants-wearing human being DeLay is. No, instead you can just be made uncomfortable by the woefully non-rhythmic and spastic hip gyrations of an out-of-shape buttoned-up conservative.

You know how “DWTS” is somewhat more respectable than “American Idol” in that it doesn’t have the early-round attention whores making asses of themselves and being unceremoniously dismissed? Well, not any more. That stage needs a trap door. Badly.

[Buzzfeed]

“Dancing with the Stars” returns next week, and would ya look at that? I can type and make a dismissive wanking motion at the same time!

I’ve got nothing against ballroom dancing, and of course I approve of the hardbodied women on the show, but I hate that “DWTS” makes sympathetic characters out of unforgivably awful sh-theels like Tom DeLay. Remember Terri Schiavo? He called the prospect of removing her feeding tube “an act of barbarism” even though he took his comatose father off of life support. I could go on and on about what an unscrupulous dickhead he is, but it would just wreck my blood pressure and make me sound like some kind of righteous liberal, which I’m not. I just happen to value human decency. (Note: except in strip clubs)

Anyway. Video below: DeLay practicing with Cheryl Burke. I used to be super-attracted to her because of her ridiculous body, but now I’m not so sure. She’s tainted goods now.

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