ABC is all reruns again tonight, so unless you’re into “Top Chef,” you’re screwed if you’re looking for good television during prime time.

American Idol (Fox) — Jim Carrey’s daughter is a contestant this season. Even if you didn’t know it was Jim Carrey’s daugther, after one look at her teeth, you’d know it was Jim Carrey’s daughter (video after the jump, if you’re interested)

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) — Serious question: I only watched the dreadfully unfunny pilot of “Are You There, Chelsea?” Did it get any better? Because I no longer believe “Community’s” return hinges on its cancellation. I think NBC is going to burn through new episodes of “Parks and Recreation” and run “Community” in its place come April.

Top Chef (Bravo) — There’s a strange bicycle competition in tonight’s episode. I don’t know what that has got to do with cooking, but for the love of God, don’t look at Padma.

The Exes (TV Land) — I kept meaning to get around to watching an episode, if only because of my love for Donald Faison. Alas, this is the first season finale, so it looks like I’m too late. It’s probably best; I wouldn’t want to tarnish my fondness for him. Here’s the Turk Dance, anyway.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Howard Stern is on Letterman to help him celebrate 30 years on late night; Daniel Radcliffe is on Leno; John Krasinski does Kimmel; The Shat will sit with Craig Ferguson; Tracy Morgan — who hates his mother — will be on Fallon; and Brad F***ing Pitt will be on “The Daily Show.”

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It’s been a fairly disappointing season of “Top Chef” this year, thanks in part to the contract that the show signed with the state of Texas which requires that the show make everything Texas-themed in exchange for filming there. But I continue to watch because it is consistently the most well-cast cooking show on television, the food challenges are usually interesting, and because Padma Lakshmi is the hottest reality show host on television. I’m only human.

However, according to a diner at one of the tapings for an episode of “Top Chef,” Lakshmi doesn’t like to be looked at or talked to by we mere humans.

We were also given some basic directions:
Don’t look directly into the camera
Don’t look directly at Padma
Don’t talk to Padma.

And what was the scene like when Padma entered?

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Modern Family (ABC) — Tonight’s an “historical” night for television, as Lily becomes the youngest person ever on a network to utter the F-word. Also, David Cross returns to debate Claire.

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — Seriously, these shows are so terrible that they’re not even worth mentioning. Avoid them. If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.

American Idol (Fox) — The 47th season of television’s most popular show kicks off tonight with two hours of humiliating auditions. I don’t think this show will ever end; I think it will just become another annual event, like football and baseball season, only without any of the joy.

Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’ve never seen an episode, and didn’t even realize it was still on the air. However, I am grateful to this show for booting Mandy Patinkin, allowing him to eventually show up on “Homeland.”

Happy Endings (ABC) — “Party Down” Alert: Ryan Hanson (also of “Veronica Mars” fame) guest stars at Penny’s latest boyfriend, while Alex and Max stage an “in-T-vention” to put the kibosh on Dave’s obsession with v-necked T-shirts.

Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been a hugely disappointing season of “Top Chef,” but they might turn it around tonight when Charlize Theron arrives. If Charlize Theron and Padma Lakshmi engage in a nude food fight, the Internet will explode.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Fasschlong is on Letterman; Jennifer Garner is on Leno; Will Arnett is on Kimmel; Ferguson has David Duchovny; and Jimmy has Bill Cosby.

Suburgatory/The Middle/Modern Family/Happy Endings (ABC) — ABC is the only network running new airings of their regular shows, and from 8 to 10 EST, they’re the best thing going. Also, has anyone else picked up on the wildly great sexual chemistry between Jeremy Sisto and Jane Levy on “Suburgatory”? Daniel Fienberg pointed it out on the Hitfix podcast last month and it’s all I can ever think of now. There’s probably a shippers tumblr set up for them already.

The Orange Bowl (ESPN) — West Virginia vs. Clemson, if you’re into that sort of thing, and by “that sort of thing,” I mean: Halftime marching bands.

Mobbed (Fox) — A show about flash mobs hosted by Howie Mandel? What did the world do to deserve this? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TEBOW.

Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) — So, I was wondering why everything during this cycle was so insistently Texan, and then I found out that in order to film in Texas, the producers had to sign a contract with the state and agree to all sorts of requirements that the state be heavily featured and that “Texas” be included in this season’s title.

I Get that a Lot (CBS) — I have never heard of this show, but apparently it’s the fourth airing of it. It features celebrities doing “regular” jobs, and tonight’s episode includes Pamela Anderson, Jerry Springer, Dr. Drew, and Ty Pennington, three of whom could actually use a “regular” job.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS — Brian Williams is on Letterman, Kelsey Grammer is on Kimmel, Tracey Morgan is on Leno, and Ed Burns is on Fallon.

Before we get to the list of reruns and leftovers, check out how surprisingly bad ass pogo sticking is in the above video. Who knew? I just thought it was for dorks with propeller hats.

American Horror Story (F/X) — After the pilot, I honestly didn’t think Ryan Murphy could stretch the premise into a full season. I’m still skeptical about what he could possibly do in a second season (short of bringing in an entirely new family), but this season has been surprisingly good, especially the last three episodes. Hopefully, tonight’s finale will give us a clue about next season’s direction.

Top Chef (Bravo) — This season of “Top Chef” has its own version of Survivor’s Redemption Island, where eliminated contestants compete on “Last Chance Kitchen,” which you can watch online. Last week, Nyesha got totally effed by Dakota in the double elimination, but the good news is, Nyesha did win “Last Chance Kitchen,” so she’s not been completely eliminated yet.

This Is Justin Bieber (TLC) — It’s not bad enough that TLC exploits geeks, midgets, Muslims, and beauty-pageant toddlers, now they’re airing one-hour specials about Justin Bieber. TLC: You really are the worst.

A Game of Honor (Showtime) — A two-hour special following the players of the United States Military Academy and the United States Naval Academy as they prepare for their annual Army/Navy game. You know, in case you want to satisfy your football craving and fulfill your patriotic duty at the same time.

Sons of Guns: I’ve never heard of this reality show about a business that manufactures and sells custom weapons, but tonight they’re featuring a flamethrower cannon, the perfect holiday gift for the mass murderer in your family.