It's almost back, you guys.

Come summer time, the only thing worth watching on the Big Four Networks is…when does football start again? Unless you’re a fan of reality shows and sitcoms that weren’t even good enough to make it on the midseason schedule, Fox, NBC, ABC, and CBS are all entertainment wastelands from June to August (the CW, too, but that’s year-round). Cable, on the other hand, is absolutely stacked, with both returning favorites (“Breaking Bad”!) and intriguing-sounding new shows (don’t make me regret calling you “intriguing,” “NTSF:SD:SUV”).

This is Warming Glow’s official summer TV preview, highlighting 25 shows, some great and some awful, but mostly somewhere in-between, that will keep you in the confines of your home instead of enjoying the warm weather and getting some much-needed exercise. (Also, before it’s brought up, “Beavis and Butthead” isn’t included because it doesn’t have an official premiere date yet.)

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Never too young to learn

There are many things on television I have a hard time taking seriously. Science fiction is one of them. British shows are another. And original series from Starz, for sure. So there’s almost a zero percent chance that I could like a British science fiction show on Starz, and yet the trailer for “Torchwood: Miracle Day” (embedded below) still managed to win me over.

The concept is cool: people all over the world stop dying, and the Torchwood team is called up to investigate the phenomenon. Admittedly, a lot of the dialogue in this video is atrocious, and Bill Pullman as a hardened criminal is laughable, but there’s a lot of cool stuff, too: explosions; impalings; burned and dismembered bodies; and a woman holding a baby in one hand while firing a pistol with the other. You just don’t see that every day. Unless you live in Alabama.

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Torchwood: Children of Earth (BBC America) — Children get possessed by aliens and start speaking in unison in this five-night miniseries.  I dunno, sounds creepy.  Couldn’t they lighten it up a little bit?  Maybe call it “Children of Mirth”?

The Bachelorette (ABC) — In a lame attempt to build anticipation for the finale, this is a behind-the-scenes episode where Jillian and the eliminated bachelors all talk about what they felt that one time when the guy wanted to have sex with her feet.

Dating in the Dark (ABC) — While my taste and good sense demand that I trash it, I admit: I’m morbidly curious.

4th and Long (Spike) — Season finale.  Your exclusive chance to find out which guy is the guy who gets cut first at the Cowboys training camp later this summer.

The T.O. Show (VH1) — Ugh.  I’m watching it, but only because of my football-blogging commitments.  Watch the season highlights here.  Golly, I hope it all works out for that scrappy underdog.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — Bourdain’s in Melbourne, Australia, where he once again refuses to shoot up black tar heroin on-camera.  C’mon Tony, just once.  For the old days.

“Torchwood” is a BBC science-fiction series about an agency that deals with extraterrestrials.  I’ve never seen it, but the first two seasons have earned it a dedicated following in the UK, and season three will air on BBC One and BBC America in July as a five-night miniseries called “Torchwood: Children of Earth.”  And judging by the trailer, it appears that aliens are going to take over the world’s children and make them speak in unison.  The Brits are all about children speaking in unison.  We don’t need no education…

But whatever, it sounds cool to me.  The aliens can have our stupid wiener kids.  Whatever it takes to keep the annoying teenagers from loitering around outside my apartment.

[Zap2it]