There are a few news items and updates floating around right now that don’t really require a full post, so I’m going to knock them out here real quick-like. After that, it’s back to your steady diet of funny game show answers and boobs.

Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette – Two things about this story: 1) They’re making a big deal about her having a 6-year-old kid, making her the first single mom Bachelorette. Now, I have a strict “don’t tell people how to raise their kids unless they put them on TLC” policy, but I will say this: I really wouldn’t have wanted to watch my mom play kissyface on TV with like a million dudes when I was six. Nope. Not at all. 2) When playing up her tough love life, they’ve been equating her fiancé (and child’s father) dying in a plane crash with the fact that she broke up with the one Bachelor dude after the show. Stop that. [ABC]

Tracy Morgan had a weird time at Sundance – The “30 Rock” star passed out, was rushed to the hospital, and left Utah with an oxygen tank due to an adverse reaction to the altitude. Supposedly. The important thing about this story is that “Oxygen Tanks” would be a great headline if Oprah’s channel ever goes bankrupt. Dibs. [TMZ]

Paula Deen’s publicist quit over Deen hawking diabetes medicine – “Although we had a great deal of fun along the way, I could not agree with the new business strategy going forward. Nonetheless, I wish them continued success.” I ran this through my publicist translator, and it spit out “Paula Deen is such a terrible and offensive hypocrite that I’m quitting even though she makes me a sh-tload of money.” I don’t often praise publicists, but kudos to you, ma’am. [NY Post]

Jay Leno’s right to tell lazy, offensive jokes is protected by the First Amendment – So I guess Jay Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple of Amritsar in India and said it was Mitt Romney’s summer home. HAHA GOOD ONE, JAY! It justifiably made a group of Indian Sikhs kind of upset, but the U.S. State Department came out and said it was protected First Amendment speech, which is true. Here ends the saga of Latenight McFartypants and the Bill of Rights. [BBC]

Thank you for bearing with me. Here is a picture of a cupcake with a peanut butter cup and an Oreo stuffed in it.

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It was just three weeks ago that Tracy Morgan came under fire for making insensitive “jokes” about homosexuals, which spurred both an apology and a national tour of atonement. But now that that’s over, Morgan’s gotten back on stage, where his established protocol of saying crazy things has upset more people.

Performing at a New York comedy club on Saturday, Morgan told his audience not to “mess with women who have retarded kids” because “them young retarded males is strong … they’re strong like chimps.” [Ed. Note: both true and funny.] Morgan also talked about hooking up with a “cripple” with a prosthetic arm. The crowd reportedly responded with groans and “uh-oh.”

The Arc, an advocacy group for people with disabilities, is calling on Morgan to apologize. “Tracy Morgan should apologize immediately,” The Arc CEO Peter Berns told EW in a statement. “This quote is far too offensive to be excused as comedy, and it is very hurtful to people with intellectual and developmental disabilities and their families.” [EW]

There’s an obvious difference between making uninformed comments like “homosexuality is a choice” and telling jokes about groups of people, which is WHAT EVERY COMIC DOES AS A JOB. The person at EW who thought this was newsworthy ought to be sodomized with a prosthetic arm, because every stand-up comedy show I’ve been to has featured some combination of jokes about Jews, blacks, white people, gay men, lesbians, women, Hispanics, Asians, Catholics, the mentally and physically disabled, children, homeless people, and so on. Advocacy groups that complain about stand-up comics can collectively go suck a retarded cripple’s dong. (Retarded cripples need blowjobs the most.)

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Tracy Morgan has made a career of appearing unhinged and saying crazy crap, but his stance on homosexuality has put him in hot water. Morgan, who’s publicly stated his belief that homosexuality is a choice since at least 2009, apparently colored in some offensive details about his opinions during a June 3rd set in Nashville. Kevin Rogers, a self-described gay fan of Morgan’s since his “SNL” days, described the rant:

He said that there is no way a woman could love and have sexual desire for another woman, that’s just a woman pretending because she hates a f*cking man.  He took time to visit the bullsh*t of this bullying stuff and informed us that the gays needed to quit being pussies and not be whining about something as insignificant as bullying. He mentioned that gay was something kids learn from the media and programming, and that bullied kids should just bust some ass and beat those other little f*ckers that bully them, not whine about it.

He said if his son that was gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not [he mimicked a gay, high pitched voice] or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N (one word I refuse to use) to death… Tracy then said he didn’t f*cking care if he pissed off some gays, because if they can take a f*cking dick up their ass… they can take a f*cking joke.

I don’t mean to nit-pick, because Morgan’s rant is clearly a reasoned and thoughtful argument, but I think some people may have had gay sex before the media taught children how to be gay. Can somebody fact-check that?

[via HuffPo]

Spot 'The Wire' cast member

Tracy Morgan is expected to miss at least two episodes of “30 Rock” after undergoing surgery for a new kidney earlier this month. He has had diabetes since 1996.

Morgan will miss at least two episodes of the NBC comedy because he’s recovering from surgery. The comedian underwent a kidney transplant on or around Dec. 10 and though the surgery was successful — he was seen at a Knicks game on Friday –  the writers are giving him plenty of time to recover.

EW has learned that executive producer Tina Fey and her team of scribes plan to address Morgan’s absence by saying he has some sort of a meltdown because of a good thing that’s happened to him. He’s expected to miss at least two, maybe three episodes, that will air [in] March. [EW]

Strangely, it was almost exactly a year ago that I wrote about Grizz Chapman (Grizz on “30 Rock”) needing a kidney (he had a successful kidney transplant earlier this year). And all of these surgeries come in the wake of “30 Rock” playing kidney transplants for jokes in the “Kidney Now!” episode with Elvis Costello, Sheryl Crow, and Mary J. Blige. Could this be some sort of curse brought on by the writers?

Actually, no. It’s science. But if you believe in curses, I have a genie in my penis that  you can suck out.

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Earlier this week, Tracy Morgan appeared at the re-launch party for New York Magazine’s Vulture blog (I guess my invite got lost in the email), and this is going to come as a shock to everyone, but he said some rambling and crazy things while speaking in stream-of-consciousness.

• ”It’s dark in here, right? I feel like I got a tumor or something. They asked me to come up here and do some comedy. This is New York Magazine, right? You all computer geeks or something? I don’t know even how to use computers. [He addresses guest Maulik Pancholy, who plays Jack Donaghy's assistant on 30 Rock.] Maulik, do I have a computer in my office? [Maulik shakes his head.] I don’t even have a computer. I don’t even how to turn them off. It start making noises, I just pull the plug out. Someone got on some good cologne back there. Someone has some good cologne on back there, too. It’s cheap, but it’s good.”

• ”I just gotta be careful of gold diggers out there. That’s the thing, I got money now, so I got gold diggers comin’ out the woodwork. I went out to dinner with one last week. She ordered lobster and I was like, ‘You know that lobster tail is three fingers up the butthole, minimum?’”

• ”Any gay guys in here? I’m friends with all kinds, I’m friends with all kinds. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke. I’m making fun of everybody. White people, black people, n*ggers, other n*ggers. I want everybody in here to say the word ‘n*gger’ out loud. It’s liberating. Y’all want to say it on three? One, two, three. [Silence.] You gotta free, come on! It’s 2011, goddammit.” [more quotes at Vulture]

Oh man. I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t there. Because I definitely would have been the only person who said “n*gger” out loud. “What? Tracy Morgan told me to!”