The fifth season of “True Blood” premieres Sunday, June 10, and to whet the audience’s appetite HBO has released this short teaser trailer. Actually, “teaser trailer” is a little strong. The clip is basically just 30 seconds of characters from the show crying and wailing and carrying on as though someone sat them down and made them all watch the first 15 minutes of Up. Also, some of the characters cry blood, because apparently the producers of the show buy fake blood in 55-gallon drums and if they don’t use it all by the end of the season it will be dumped into the ocean or something. I dunno. They key here is that everyone is going to be sad a lot this season, I guess.

Meanwhile, I remain firm in my belief that this show could be dramatically improved by adding a sword-wielding Wesley Snipes to the cast and changing the title to “Blade: Louisiana.”

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Just assume he's on a torrent 'site.

TorrentFreak released their list of the 50 most searched phrases on torrent site Kat.ph in 2011, eight of which were TV-related (nine, if you include “WWE”):

13. “Glee”; 24. “True Blood”; 28. “Game of Thrones”; 35. “How I Met Your Mother”; 41. “Supernatural”; 45. “House”; 48. “Dexter”; 50. “Breaking Bad”

I’m trying to find something that connects these shows together, but I’ve got nothing – unless disappointed “Glee” fans, fed up with Autotuned white noise, wanted to a hear a REAL karaoke song, and downloaded the “Breaking Bad” episode with Gale singing “Major Tom (Coming Home).” The fact that they’re not all HBO or Showtime or Starz (ha) shows is surprising, as is the inclusion of “House.” Is he still curmudgeonly?

Because it’s the Internet, though, the answer probably is: people want to see hot people doing hot things, so they download “Glee” for this and “True Blood” for this and DEFINITELY “Game of Thrones” for this. “Breaking Bad” is just the exception to the rule, unless you’ve got a fetish for Chilean fast food proprietors. To further prove the point, check out the full list of torrent search terms – including popular stand-bys “sex” and “xxx” – after the jump.

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“Dexter” has been on Showtime for six seasons now. That’s longer than the broadcast runs for “Friday Night Lights,” “The Wire,” “Deadwood,” “Twin Peaks,” “Six Feet Under,” and “Battlestar Galactica.” It’s been renewed for two more after this one, which will leap frog it over “The Sopranos,” “Mad Men,” and “The Shield.” Just say that out loud: Eight. Seasons. Of. “Dexter.” And if the next two are anything like the formulaic-to-a-fault one that mercifully finishes on Sunday, may God have mercy on us all. The two Big Bads (a term that means the main villain in a single season) this year, played by Colin Hanks and Edward James Olmos, have been the main problem. Why? Well, read on, as they’re one of the nine worst single-season villains in TV history.

(Spoiler alert, obviously.)

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Too bad this didn't happen in 'The Piano', amirite?

People like vampires and gore and nudity, so it’s no surprise that HBO has ordered a fifth season of “True Blood,” AKA “Twilight for Sluts.” It will air next summer, because that’s the only season that normal people can justify watching it.

In an interview with EW earlier this year, [creator Alan] Ball said the show has “a lot of life in it.” “I love doing it and I don’t really have any plans of doing anything else right now,” Ball said. He also has plenty of material to cull from Harris’ book series. “She said there will be a total of 13 novels, and she’s publishing 10 or 11. If we did do 13 seasons I believe we would have to address why are the vampires aging.”

I like to make fun of “True Blood” because some of the accents are terrible, the stories are preposterous, and there are several characters so awfully written and acted that it makes the show hard to watch. But when you get down to nuts and bolts, this show is about blood and f*cking, and I respect that. I could never be against a show that’s so intent on showing tits and violence. I have principles, you know.

As “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Lost,” and countless other shows have proven, sometimes a character, often beloved, needs to die to advance the plot. And nothing furthers the story like death, unless you’re “The Killing.” On the following pages are ten characters who need to meet their maker, not because they’re bad characters (I repeat: these are NOT necessarily characters I want dead because I hate them), but because they’ve either served their purpose and need to go away or because their passing would bring on a whole new set of stories their show hasn’t been able to accomplish.

To death! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

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