Just assume he's on a torrent 'site.

TorrentFreak released their list of the 50 most searched phrases on torrent site Kat.ph in 2011, eight of which were TV-related (nine, if you include “WWE”):

13. “Glee”; 24. “True Blood”; 28. “Game of Thrones”; 35. “How I Met Your Mother”; 41. “Supernatural”; 45. “House”; 48. “Dexter”; 50. “Breaking Bad”

I’m trying to find something that connects these shows together, but I’ve got nothing – unless disappointed “Glee” fans, fed up with Autotuned white noise, wanted to a hear a REAL karaoke song, and downloaded the “Breaking Bad” episode with Gale singing “Major Tom (Coming Home).” The fact that they’re not all HBO or Showtime or Starz (ha) shows is surprising, as is the inclusion of “House.” Is he still curmudgeonly?

Because it’s the Internet, though, the answer probably is: people want to see hot people doing hot things, so they download “Glee” for this and “True Blood” for this and DEFINITELY “Game of Thrones” for this. “Breaking Bad” is just the exception to the rule, unless you’ve got a fetish for Chilean fast food proprietors. To further prove the point, check out the full list of torrent search terms – including popular stand-bys “sex” and “xxx” – after the jump.

1. ita
2. french
3. 2011
4. ita dvd
5. xxx
6. dvdrip
7. italian
8. kickasstor
9. thor
10. 720p
11. psp
12. harry potter
13. glee
14. kung fu panda 2
15. green lantern
16. 1080p
17. wwe
18. movies
19. porn
20. transformers 3
21. cars 2
22. captain america
23. windows 7
34. true blood
25. fast and furious 5
26. hindi
27. sex
28. game of thrones
29. telugu
30. tamil
31. rango
32. super 8
33. playboy
34. x art
35. how i met your mother
36. pirates of the caribbean
37. x men
38. transformers
39. mac
40. rio
41. supernatural
42. kickassto
43. source code
44. adele
45. house
46. sucker punch
47. final destination 5
48. dexter
49. nero
50. breaking bad

“Dexter” has been on Showtime for six seasons now. That’s longer than the broadcast runs for “Friday Night Lights,” “The Wire,” “Deadwood,” “Twin Peaks,” “Six Feet Under,” and “Battlestar Galactica.” It’s been renewed for two more after this one, which will leap frog it over “The Sopranos,” “Mad Men,” and “The Shield.” Just say that out loud: Eight. Seasons. Of. “Dexter.” And if the next two are anything like the formulaic-to-a-fault one that mercifully finishes on Sunday, may God have mercy on us all. The two Big Bads (a term that means the main villain in a single season) this year, played by Colin Hanks and Edward James Olmos, have been the main problem. Why? Well, read on, as they’re one of the nine worst single-season villains in TV history.

(Spoiler alert, obviously.)

The term “Big Bad” originates from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” because with every new season came a season-long villain(s). There was the Master in one, Angelus/Spike/Dru in two…going all the way until season seven with the First Evil/Caleb. My least favorite of the Big Bads is season four’s “bio-mechanical demonoid” Adam (George Hertzberg), created by the Initiative to be the perfect organism. Think Frankenstein’s Monster, if said Monster had been built with human, demon, and robot body parts. Sounds cool, right? Wrong. Coming off a two-season high of Angelus and the Mayor, the emotionless Adam already had a lot going against him, and the fact that he wasn’t nearly half as witty or charming (actually, he wasn’t charming or witty at all — kind of like Riley) as those two did him no favors. He doesn’t even appear until the thirteenth episode of the season, too! Simply put, he just wasn’t interesting, something creator Joss Whedon has admitted as much in recent years. (For what it’s worth, Jasmine was the worst Big Bad on the “Buffy” spin-off, “Angel.”)

Hm, who would have thought “Dexter” tackling religion would lead to a bad season? Not I, says no one. This year has been a train wreck, with Travis Marshall (Colin Hanks) and Professor Gellar (Edward James Olmos) in the conductor’s seat. Most viewers guessed THE TWIST within three episodes, and it took way too long for the show to bring them and Dexter together. “Dexter” is at its best when there’s a visible chess match between the main protagonist and antagonist (think Trinity in season four); but for most of the season, Dexter and Travis/Gellar (spoiler?) weren’t even aware of one another. Combined with all the dumb plot twists, road trips to Nebraska, and the writers still feeling it necessary for voice-overs to explain EVERYTHING, this season is a new low for “Dexter.”

Season four of “True Blood,” which finished in September, puttered along for 12 episodes, without the show providing any of the cheesy thrills and cheap, enjoyable sexiness we’ve grown accustomed to it providing. But the biggest problem with last season was its Big Bad, Marnie the Witch (Fiona Shaw, best known as Aunt Petunia in the Harry Potter films). A good “True Blood” villain needs to be unhinged and dangerous; Marnie was tepid throughout her run on the show, with a cop-out conclusion to her story. You got the feeling Shaw never knew what to do with the character, and it showed. At least Russell’s coming back for season five.

Wanna piss off an “Alias” fan? Just whisper the name “Lauren Reed” in their ear, and watch them either go ballistic with rage or find the nearest corner to cry in. After an awesome second season finale, where Agent Vaughn (Michael Vartan) informs Sydney (Jennifer Garner) that she’s been missing for two years, the third season began with a thud when Lauren (Melissa George) was introduced. Die-hards immediately disliked her because she romantically separated Sydney and Vaughn, and dislike grew to hatred when it was revealed she was a Double Agent working for the Covenant. And she slept with Sark (David Sanders). And she shot the show’s most likable character, Marshall (Kevin Weisman). In fact, she was detested so much that she was killed off-screen, the ultimate insult to a main character.

It’s true, he first appeared in season one, when he attempted to rape Tyra (Adrianne Palicki), but Ugh, That Guy, as fans (or I) have dubbed him, came back to the show during its second season premiere. He did his creepy stalker, attempted-rapist thing again, and after another attempted attack on Tyra (> Lyla), Landry (Jesse Plemons) hit him in the head with a metal pipe. Thus began the only terrible plot — a MURDER plot — in the five seasons of “Friday Night Lights.” It felt melodramatic and desperate and dumb, and many fans accused NBC of meddling with the show in an attempt to increase ratings (it didn’t work, either way); plus, it hovered over the entirety of season two, like an absent Big Gad. Thankfully, after the season-long cover-up by Tyra and Landry, Ugh, That Guy was never mentioned again.

We didn’t know Sophia (Madison Lintz) was a villain until the mid-season finale, but it all makes sense now: I can easily pin the blame for seven terrible episodes of “The Walking Dead” on her. NOTHING HAPPENED, because of her. The half-season can be described as such: Carl gets shot, Sophia gets lost, Rick & Co. find a barn, Carl gets better, Sophia remains lost, Sophia’s a zombie. That’s it. Nothing else of so-called importance happened, unless Lori making Glenn buy a pregnancy test or T-Dog doing T-Dog stuff was significant to you. Even the Zombie Sophia was fu*king dumb — why wouldn’t Otis have mentioned to the group that two days before they arrived, he found a girl who matches the description of the person they’re looking for? GAH. I really hate this show. And Shane. And Sophia. But especially Shane. But especially Zombie Sophia.

I appreciate James Cromwell trying to go from America’s Grandpa to “24” Bad Guy, and maybe it would have been interesting if season six hadn’t been so awful, but holy smokes: was season six awful. It was a convoluted mess of confusing plots and double-crossing characters, with too many “I’ve seen this before, but better” moments. Crowell played Jack Bauer’s dad, Phillip, and we’re never given a truly solid reason for why he wanted to kill Jack and his grandson. And man oh man, he did not have a fun time:

On the floor of the set I saw this two-star general and asked him what he was doing there, and explained that he had come to talk to them about the presentation of torture, which I thought was eminently reasonable and necessary. And their reaction was flip, to my way of thinking. And to me they missed a great opportunity, which they could have done in the last season, to rectify what they had done — where he becomes disillusioned with this and makes every effort to change his techniques. It could’ve been a great contribution, but they didn’t have the imagination for that. (Metro)

No one was happy.

Honestly, I don’t even want to talk about the ninth and final season of “The X-Files” — it’s the Squeeze of TV seasons. There’s no reason the show should have continued when Fox Mulder left, because with all due respect to the T-1000, you were no Mulder, Robert Patrick. (Monica Reyes was even worse; Mitch Pileggi, though, he’s OK by me.) All fans wanted in the final season was to finally get some answers about Truth, but instead, even more questions were raised, mostly about the Super-Soldiers. The worst part, though, was that the S.S. (ohhh…) KILLED the Lone Gunmen, the best characters on the show by then. Let’s just pretend none of that ever happened, Armin Tamzarian-style.

Too bad this didn't happen in 'The Piano', amirite?

People like vampires and gore and nudity, so it’s no surprise that HBO has ordered a fifth season of “True Blood,” AKA “Twilight for Sluts.” It will air next summer, because that’s the only season that normal people can justify watching it.

In an interview with EW earlier this year, [creator Alan] Ball said the show has “a lot of life in it.” “I love doing it and I don’t really have any plans of doing anything else right now,” Ball said. He also has plenty of material to cull from Harris’ book series. “She said there will be a total of 13 novels, and she’s publishing 10 or 11. If we did do 13 seasons I believe we would have to address why are the vampires aging.”

I like to make fun of “True Blood” because some of the accents are terrible, the stories are preposterous, and there are several characters so awfully written and acted that it makes the show hard to watch. But when you get down to nuts and bolts, this show is about blood and f*cking, and I respect that. I could never be against a show that’s so intent on showing tits and violence. I have principles, you know.

As “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Lost,” and countless other shows have proven, sometimes a character, often beloved, needs to die to advance the plot. And nothing furthers the story like death, unless you’re “The Killing.” On the following pages are ten characters who need to meet their maker, not because they’re bad characters (I repeat: these are NOT necessarily characters I want dead because I hate them), but because they’ve either served their purpose and need to go away or because their passing would bring on a whole new set of stories their show hasn’t been able to accomplish.

To death! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Vincent Chase, “Entourage”

I’ve voiced my complaints about “Entourage’s” douchiness before, but all (well, most) of those could be redeemed if in the show’s final episode, its star, Vincent Chase, was killed, preferably by choking to death buried in a pile of cocaine. Wishful thinking, I know, but of its many faults, the most bothersome thing about “Entourage” is its lack of real-life consequences. Vincent and his gang of awful cronies can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without any repercussions. If the star of Aquaman were to die in the closing minutes of “Entourage”’s final episode, the entire show would feel less like 2,880 minutes of bros being bros, and more like a tragedy about what happens when fame goes to your head.

[Ed. note: I'd like to see Vince get killed immediately, as the other characters might actually become somewhat interesting if they had to strike out on their own.]

Dexter Morgan, “Dexter”

Dexter Morgan is one of only two good-to-great characters on the show bearing his name. The other: his sister, Debra. Let’s say the producers of “Dexter” decide to go off the air after season seven. In the final episode of the show’s upcoming sixth season, Deb should FINALLY catch Dexter in the act (and see him), but he runs away and skips town out of Miami. It’d be great if the final 12 episodes abandoned all the awful, awful humans at Miami Metro, and spent the entire season in a “Fugitive”-like chase between Deb and Dexter. In the last episode, she finds him, leaving her with a dilemma: she can’t throw him in jail, because that’s a lackluster ending (cough “Seinfeld” cough), and she can’t pretend nothing’s happened, because she’s a good cop. What’s left? Either we find out she too has been a good serial killer all these years, or she puts an end to Dexter’s butchering ways. (I know that Deb knows about her brother’s hobby in Jeff Lindsay’s books, but the show has gone off-text before.)

Betty Draper, “Mad Men”

There are many good potential death options for “Mad Men,” with everyone from Roger Sterling to Greg Harris (anyone but Don and Trudy, really) on the chopping block. But I think the strongest choice would be Betty — not because she’s a bad character, which she isn’t, or because she’s a bad actress, which she’s not (January Jones is icy, but so is Betty). It’s because her passing (car crash!) would further the story of one of the show’s best characters, Sally Draper. My friend has a theory that the reason Sally has been acting so weird of late is because she was molested by Grandpa Gene (as opposed to Baby Gene). If Sally, who’s already in a rough place in life, were to lose her mom, it’d be fascinating to see what the writers did with her—would she run away? Live with Don? Find the original Bobby?

B stands for blood type and cup size.

Alan Ball, creator, executive producer and Dracula, of True Blood announced during the show’s panel at the TCA TV Critics press tour that not only will his hit show have a 5th season, but he will still be calling the shots. The confirmation came in response to questions about season 4 being his last run with the top vampire softcore porn show on cable. I guess you could say that Alan isn’t taking his Ball and running home.

*pulls bat out of pants, falls into coffin full of pudding*

“I have no desire to leave,” he said. “Doing the show, I’m having more fun than I have ever had in my life.” He later said that he and the show’s writers are already breaking stories for Season 5 and one of them is about “how one of the vampires was made.” (Via Deadline)

But if True Blood news is all you expected from the TCA, boy are you wrong.

As Matt previously reported, with Frank Darabont gone, Glen Mazzara is indeed running The Walking Dead now. Confident-but-sad zombies will continue on for brains.

Meanwhile, Joe Gayton, creator of AMC’s upcoming awesome-looking Hell on Wheels, acknowledged that his drama about the creation of the transcontinental railroad has been drawing comparisons to HBO’s Deadwood, since they are both based on historical events and places. But he’s not worried about those comparisons being criticisms.

“I think we wanted to find our own way and separate ourselves from ‘Deadwood,’ said “Hell on Wheels” show runner Joe Gayton during a morning panel at the TV summer media tour in Beverly Hills, but “if there are favorable comparisons to ‘Deadwood,’ I’ll take them.” (Via LA Times)

Plus, Deadwood gave us naked Ron Swanson. Nobody can repeat that success.

Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, Sunday) – The Season 8 premiere sees the show shifting from LA to New York. I used to really like this show, but I’ve kind of grown away from it. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable all the time, I could just tell everyone I meet that I’m a blogger.

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) – I said this on Twitter a while back, but I’d be much more inclined to watch this show if it featured Wesley Snipes hunting vampires with a giant sword and was called “Blade: Louisiana.”

Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg (Comedy Central, Friday) – Tonight at 10:00. Watch this, record this, or feel guilty about missing it, or we can’t be friends.

Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz, Friday) – A reboot of the BBC sci-fi series that was spun off from “Doctor Who.” Or something. My brain does this thing were it shuts itself off after reading phrases like “BBC sci-fi series.” I think it’s a defense mechanism to prevent predators from shoving me in a locker.

Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime, Sunday) – So help me God, this is the actual first sentence of the TV Guide description of this episode: “Jane represents the mother of a dwarf in a case against a sperm bank as she awaits a post-date phone call from Dr. Bill.” Holy moly. Big day for Jane.

Secrets of Seal Team Six (Discovery, Sunday) – Secret #1: Every other Friday they have margarita parties! Wait. No, that’s Franklin & Bash. I’m always getting those two mixed up.

Leverage/Falling Skies (Sunday, TNT) – I have absolutely nothing to say about these shows so here is a note I wrote to Pippa Middleton. Pass it along.

After the jump, the music video for “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)” by En Vogue, because I watch a lot of the VH1 Soul channel and I don’t have to explain myself to you people anyway.

As we all know, “True Blood” returned with its Season 4 debut on Sunday, and those who watched were treated to mythical creatures like witches and vampires and fairies and sexy cage-fighting lesbians. Frankly, I found it underwhelming, but the premiere matched a series high for viewership:

The fourth season premiere of True Blood Sunday matched its series high performance of 5.4 million viewers. It also improved upon its season 3 debut by 6 percent.

The rebroadcast at 11 p.m. added an additional one million viewers for a combined 6.4 million viewers on Sunday. Viewership levels will no doubt build over the next few episodes, especially since fans expect Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and Sookie (Anna Paquin) to hook up in the shower this season. [EW]

Frankly, I find ratings news boring and I don’t enjoy writing about it. But I’ll happily use this news story to demand more screen time for Deborah Ann Woll, who plays the young vampire Jessica. She inspires me the way young people get inspired for political causes. That’s why I’ve printed up a whole bunch of signs that read DEBORAH ANN WOLL NAKED IN 2011.

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — Season premiere. Here’s why you need to follow me on Twitter: because I share awesome GIFs like this even when I don’t have a specific use for them here at the blog. Anyway, if you can get past the silly monsters (this season: witches!) and annoying characters like Tara, Sookie, Bill, the ugly waitress, Hoyt, and all of Sam’s family, this can be almost watchable. I mean, is an Eric-Pam-Jessica hardcore threesome really so much to ask for?

Law & Order: Criminal Intent (USA, Sunday) — Series finale. Which one is this? Is this the one with Vincent D’Onofrio? It’s hard to keep all the “L&O’s” straight, except for the one about rape. Anyway, James Van Der beek guest stars.

Swamp Shark (Syfy, Saturday) — D.B. Sweeney and Kristy Swanson star in what isn’t exactly Syfy’s most inspired monster movie. “Okay, so it’s a shark… but get this: it lives in freshwater.”

Commercial Kings (IFC, Friday) — Series premiere. Internet stars Rhett and Link make offbeat commercials for local businesses. You may remember this from the video they made for the crazy cat hotel lady.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, Sunday) — Season premiere. Whoa, that was weird. I just thought about this show and queefed out of my penis.

Cocaine Sub Hunt (NatGeo, Sunday) — What else do you need to know? It’s called COCAINE SUB HUNT.

Gold Cup Final (Fox Soccer & Univision, Saturday) — It’s USA versus hated rival Mexico from the Rose Bowl. American turf, sure, but the 90,000 fans in attendance will be filled with urine-flinging illegal immigrants and anchor babies. We should host this game in Arizona. (My love for Clint Dempsey turns me into a right-wing racist.)

Okay, we’ve got some Cliffs Notes for those of you who just ordered premium cable and want to spend your summer inside watching new seasons of shows you’re behind on. Above is a five-minute summary of the first three seasons of “True Blood,” and below is six seasons of “Weeds” recapped in two minutes. I definitely appreciate and prefer the economy of the “Weeds” video, but it’s animated instead of live-action, thus robbing me of the one thing I might watch for: Mary-Louise Parker’s luscious body of work as an actress.

So “True Blood” gets the top billing. Obviously, all of the good (read: naked) parts didn’t make the cut, but it’s a nice way to catch up if you watch the show like I do: while paying attention to something else until people start having sex or getting murdered.

We miss you, Holy Bathtub Handjob Girl

["Weeds" video via Vulture]

Comic-Con is next month, and what used to be a small collection of nerds trading comic books is now a thriving corporate parasite that feeds on the excitement of the sweaty and unshaven. Expect this kind of enthusiasm every time I write about the convention.

Anyway, three networks — HBO, Fox, and Starz — released the schedules for their panels today, and I’ve got the schedule below along with some of my typically breezy commentary. Long story short: HBO will showcase “Game of Thrones” and “True Blood,” Fox is sending a gazillion shows, and Starz is something that exists to some people.

Thursday, July 21
Napoleon Dynamite: Jon Heder, Tina Majorino, Efren Ramirez, Jon Gries, Sandy Martin, Diedrich Bader and EP Mike Scully. A sneak preview of the animated series to be screened.

Game of Thrones: Author George R.R. Martin will moderate the panel with attendees including David Benioff, D.B. Weiss, Emilia Clarke, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington, Jason Momoa and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. The panel marks the freshman series first time at Comic-Con.

Awake: The first episode will be screened, with Howard Gordon, Kyle Killen and Jason Isaacs attending.

I’m not sure why “Awake” is on this list, as it’s an NBC show. Nevertheless, the buzz is already mounting for the midseason series, with everyone at TV Squad itching to see more.

As for the “Game of Thrones” panel, I’d like to see Martin moderate it from a massive floating dais. That dude’s got the bulk of a Harkonnen. These nerds know what I’m talkin’ ’bout, right?

Friday, July 22
Bones: Panel discussion with Hart Hanson, Stephen Nathan, David Boreanaz, Emily Deschanel as well as the stars of its spinoff, The Finder.

Bob’s Burgers: Season 2 clip to be presented, along with Q&A with Loren Bouchard, Jim Dauterive, H. Jon Benjamin, John Roberts, Dan Mintz, Eugene Mirman and Kristen Schaal.

True Blood: Attendees include Alan Ball, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Sam Trammell, Ryan Kwanten, Rutina Wesley, Kevin Alejandro, Kristin Bauer van Straten, Nelsan Ellis, Joe  Manganiello and Deborah Ann Woll. The panel will be the show’s fourth Comic-Con appearance.

Torchwood: Miracle Day: John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Bill Pullman, Mekhi Phifer, Alexa Havins, Lauren Ambrose and Jane Espenson will attend.

Spartacus: Vengeance: New Spartacus Liam McIntyre will be introduced alongside fellow panelists Lucy Lawless, Dustin Clare, Manu Bennett, Katrina Law and Steven S. DeKnight.

I suppose I might enjoy the “Bob’s Burgers” panel if I didn’t have to wait in line to see it. I hate lines. I won’t go to a bar is there’s a line to get in. I get homicidal every time I go to the post office. And I damn sure wouldn’t spend a July weekend in San Diego standing in line — not when I could be at the beach or getting drunk playing frisbee golf in Balboa Park.

Saturday, July 23

Terra Nova: The first episode will be screened with Stephen Lang, Rene Echevarria and Brannon Braga set to attend.

“Uh, we added some more dinosaurs. You guys like dinosaurs, right?”

Futurama: Matt Groening, David X. Cohen, Billy West, Katey Sagal, John DiMaggio and Maurice LaMarche to attend with a sneak preview of the show reincarnated as Japanese anime and a preview of the new season to be screened. Bill Morrison will moderate.

The Simpsons: Matt Groening, Al Jean, Rob Lazebnik, Matt Warburton, Mike Anderson and Tom Gammill will be in attendance.

Family Guy: Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Adam West, Mark Hentemann, Steve Callaghan and Kara Vallow will screen a sneak preview of Stewie Goes for a Drive, featuring voice guest star Ryan Reynolds.

American Dad: A preview of the Season 7 premiere will be screened, featuring guest star Cee Lo Green, followed by a panel discussion with Wendy Schaal, Scott Grimes, Rachael MacFarlane, Dee Bradley Baker, Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman and Kara Vallow.

Sunday, July 24
Glee: Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and stars of the musical hit will air a musical sneak preview at never-before-seen footage and behind-the-scenes secrets about the series.

Allen Gregory: Jonah Hill, David Goodman, Andrew Mogel and Jarrad Paul will be joined by the voice-cast for a sneak preview of the animated series.

The Cleveland Show: A look at its Die Hard parody will be screened, followed by a Q&A with Mike Henry, Sanaa Lathan, Kevin Michael Richardson, Reagan Gomez, Rich Appel and Kara Vallow. [THR; THR]

That looks great, but could Fox maybe make some more animated comedies?