Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, Sunday) – The Season 8 premiere sees the show shifting from LA to New York. I used to really like this show, but I’ve kind of grown away from it. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable all the time, I could just tell everyone I meet that I’m a blogger.

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) – I said this on Twitter a while back, but I’d be much more inclined to watch this show if it featured Wesley Snipes hunting vampires with a giant sword and was called “Blade: Louisiana.”

Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg (Comedy Central, Friday) – Tonight at 10:00. Watch this, record this, or feel guilty about missing it, or we can’t be friends.

Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz, Friday) – A reboot of the BBC sci-fi series that was spun off from “Doctor Who.” Or something. My brain does this thing were it shuts itself off after reading phrases like “BBC sci-fi series.” I think it’s a defense mechanism to prevent predators from shoving me in a locker.

Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime, Sunday) – So help me God, this is the actual first sentence of the TV Guide description of this episode: “Jane represents the mother of a dwarf in a case against a sperm bank as she awaits a post-date phone call from Dr. Bill.” Holy moly. Big day for Jane.

Secrets of Seal Team Six (Discovery, Sunday) – Secret #1: Every other Friday they have margarita parties! Wait. No, that’s Franklin & Bash. I’m always getting those two mixed up.

Leverage/Falling Skies (Sunday, TNT) – I have absolutely nothing to say about these shows so here is a note I wrote to Pippa Middleton. Pass it along.

After the jump, the music video for “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)” by En Vogue, because I watch a lot of the VH1 Soul channel and I don’t have to explain myself to you people anyway.

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As we all know, “True Blood” returned with its Season 4 debut on Sunday, and those who watched were treated to mythical creatures like witches and vampires and fairies and sexy cage-fighting lesbians. Frankly, I found it underwhelming, but the premiere matched a series high for viewership:

The fourth season premiere of True Blood Sunday matched its series high performance of 5.4 million viewers. It also improved upon its season 3 debut by 6 percent.

The rebroadcast at 11 p.m. added an additional one million viewers for a combined 6.4 million viewers on Sunday. Viewership levels will no doubt build over the next few episodes, especially since fans expect Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and Sookie (Anna Paquin) to hook up in the shower this season. [EW]

Frankly, I find ratings news boring and I don’t enjoy writing about it. But I’ll happily use this news story to demand more screen time for Deborah Ann Woll, who plays the young vampire Jessica. She inspires me the way young people get inspired for political causes. That’s why I’ve printed up a whole bunch of signs that read DEBORAH ANN WOLL NAKED IN 2011.

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — Season premiere. Here’s why you need to follow me on Twitter: because I share awesome GIFs like this even when I don’t have a specific use for them here at the blog. Anyway, if you can get past the silly monsters (this season: witches!) and annoying characters like Tara, Sookie, Bill, the ugly waitress, Hoyt, and all of Sam’s family, this can be almost watchable. I mean, is an Eric-Pam-Jessica hardcore threesome really so much to ask for?

Law & Order: Criminal Intent (USA, Sunday) — Series finale. Which one is this? Is this the one with Vincent D’Onofrio? It’s hard to keep all the “L&O’s” straight, except for the one about rape. Anyway, James Van Der beek guest stars.

Swamp Shark (Syfy, Saturday) — D.B. Sweeney and Kristy Swanson star in what isn’t exactly Syfy’s most inspired monster movie. “Okay, so it’s a shark… but get this: it lives in freshwater.”

Commercial Kings (IFC, Friday) — Series premiere. Internet stars Rhett and Link make offbeat commercials for local businesses. You may remember this from the video they made for the crazy cat hotel lady.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, Sunday) — Season premiere. Whoa, that was weird. I just thought about this show and queefed out of my penis.

Cocaine Sub Hunt (NatGeo, Sunday) — What else do you need to know? It’s called COCAINE SUB HUNT.

Gold Cup Final (Fox Soccer & Univision, Saturday) — It’s USA versus hated rival Mexico from the Rose Bowl. American turf, sure, but the 90,000 fans in attendance will be filled with urine-flinging illegal immigrants and anchor babies. We should host this game in Arizona. (My love for Clint Dempsey turns me into a right-wing racist.)

Okay, we’ve got some Cliffs Notes for those of you who just ordered premium cable and want to spend your summer inside watching new seasons of shows you’re behind on. Above is a five-minute summary of the first three seasons of “True Blood,” and below is six seasons of “Weeds” recapped in two minutes. I definitely appreciate and prefer the economy of the “Weeds” video, but it’s animated instead of live-action, thus robbing me of the one thing I might watch for: Mary-Louise Parker’s luscious body of work as an actress.

So “True Blood” gets the top billing. Obviously, all of the good (read: naked) parts didn’t make the cut, but it’s a nice way to catch up if you watch the show like I do: while paying attention to something else until people start having sex or getting murdered.

We miss you, Holy Bathtub Handjob Girl

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Comic-Con is next month, and what used to be a small collection of nerds trading comic books is now a thriving corporate parasite that feeds on the excitement of the sweaty and unshaven. Expect this kind of enthusiasm every time I write about the convention.

Anyway, three networks — HBO, Fox, and Starz — released the schedules for their panels today, and I’ve got the schedule below along with some of my typically breezy commentary. Long story short: HBO will showcase “Game of Thrones” and “True Blood,” Fox is sending a gazillion shows, and Starz is something that exists to some people.

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