"Ah wish ah coult grow a beart. Durr."

NFL Football: Saints at Packers (NBC) – My cable has been going in and out all day because Eastern Pennsylvania is mostly underwater. If my viewing of this game is interrupted, Comcast will feel my wrath. (*shakes fist in general direction of Comcast’s downtown Philadelphia headquarters*)

Rookie Blue (CBS) - Fact: All police shows have been rendered inconsequential now that “Paw & Order” exists. Second fact: This one was already inconsequential.

Louie (FX) – Remember when some jamooks got all pissed because Matt mentioned he had seen screeners of a few episodes? Yeah… if I had screeners of this show, I would brag about it so much the Warming Glow readership would dwindle to just people who came by just to tell me what a putz I was. This is why I should never be in charge of anything.

Burn Notice/Suits (USA) – I covered the main points of the USA drama style guide in an Ask Me Anything post on my Tumblr, but they really, really go back to the same well a lot. Sixty percent of the network’s budget at this point must be sunglasses.

Beyond Scared Straight (A&E) – This has always bugged me, so bear with me. If you have a line that’s bent, and you bend it back “beyond straight,” isn’t it just crooked again? Which means these kids would still be criminals. Jesus, I got a C+ in geometry, and even I know that. GET YO MATH RIGHT, A&E!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Khloe Kardashian-Odom on Kimmel; Michael J. Fox on Letterman (with the cast of “Two and a Half Men” doing the Top 10); Tim Meadows on Ferguson; Will Arnett and the fetching Anna Kendrick on Leno; Tom Selleck, Cameron Crowe and Pearl Jam on Fallon (tangent: one of my buddies loves Pearl Jam so much — SO MUCH — and I get endless delight out of making fun of them in front of him. I call Eddie Vedder “Mumbles Larue.” It’s the little things in life, people); Marion Cotillard on Stewart; Charlie Day and the Foo Fighters on Conan.

Charisma Carpenter, the “Buffy” and “Angel” star who awesomely got naked in a history-making Playboy shoot back in 2004, will guest star in an upcoming episode of “Burn Notice.”

The actress will guest-star in this season’s 11th episode as Nicki, a sharp-tongued, high-maintenance trophy wife whose not-so-better half, a bioweapons engineer, is a wanted man in cahoots with the Russians. Increasingly dissatisfied with her marriage, Nicki proves to be a pawn ripe for the manipulating in Michael and Fi’s effort to get to her husband. [TV Line]

Of course, Charisma Carpenter is 40 years old now and no longer looks like the banner picture (although she still looked pretty good in The Expendables — inset). Pretty irresponsible of me to use it, I suppose. I mean, I’d be pretty pissed if I were in the news and people used photographs of me from eight years ago. Unless I was Charisma Carpenter, in which case I would demand that that photo be used for any and all news about me.

Thanks to the impossible sexiness of Sarah Shahi, it was widely assumed that USA would renew “Fairly Legal,” a decision that the cable channel made official yesterday. But that doesn’t mean that the show won’t see some changes:

The renewal decision was made based on the show’s appealing star, Sarah Shahi, and its potential, USA’s co-presidents Jeff Wachtel and Chris McCumber said. “We think there is a creative and audience upside to the show,” Wachtel said. “Not every first season is the best, and we think it is a show that can do better.” He didn’t elaborate, but I hear the network is planning changes in the series’ creative direction for Season 2. [Deadline]

At this point in time, I’d like to direct the USA network to the photo gallery here for some creative ideas for Season 2. There’s some really great material for Shahi’s character development there: Shahi fellating a cucumber, Shahi in her underwear, Shahi working as a stripper, Shahi having lesbian sex, Shahi having heterosexual sex… Really, the options are limitless. I’d even tolerate a story arc where she has both lesbian sex AND straight sex. I’m pretty open-minded like that.

The excess of cast injuries and woeful mismanagement from Broadway’s Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark has been well-covered on both Gamma Squad and FilmDrunk, but now the disaster is coming to your TV: “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” will base one of its episodes this season around the troubled musical. The news comes TV Line’s Michael Ausiello, whose write-up is so breathlessly idiotic that it’s barely recognizable as English, so here’s a helpful translation from RoboPanda:

“Law & Order: CI” will have an episode where an actor dies under suspicious circumstances during a failed stunt on the set of a musical called Icarus. The play is directed by a “high-strung and larger-than-life” woman who falls off the wagon, and it’s composed by a bisexual rock-star named “Arno” who is secretly cheating on his wife with a male colleague. So they’re like Julie Taymor and Bono, except with funner vices, probably.

I dunno, I’m just not seeing the parallels — it’s a little too subtle for my tastes. Couldn’t they have called the musical Arachnid-Guy: Turn on the Lights?

Anyway, seeing as how “L&O:CI” is close to cancellation, this seems like a good time for a spinoff: “Law & Order: Broadway Safety Inspectors.” Basically the two main characters go around making sure that the mattresses underneath trap doors are sufficiently soft, and they talk to a lot of gay guys along the way. Don’t laugh, I just described half the shows on Bravo.

“Law & Order: Criminal Intent” has ripped a WINNING story from the headlines: Jay Mohr, owner of the saddest hair this side of Jeremy Piven,  will guest star in an upcoming episode, playing a character based off of Charlie Sheen. Deadline says:

Mohr’s character, Nyle Brite, is from a different area of the arts: he is a a “rockstar” fashion designer whose every creation turns to gold.

“Nyle is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.”

His badboy reputation of cocaine benders and call-girl parties only skyrockets his career and mints him as the “lovable rogue.” … Since L&O:CI is a crime drama, the plot of the episode includes a murder as  a guest at one of Brite’s parties turns up dead.

Actually, that part isn’t fictionalized. Let’s not forget that porn star Chloe Jones died after partying with Sheen. I don’t really have a joke for that, I’m just reminding everyone that Charlie Sheen is like a partially trained circus bear: lovably charming, but prone to random violence. Also, circus bears love cocaine.