Sigh, if only this was on MTV tonight, not that other show.

Jersey Shore (MTV) – Please, don’t even watch this ironically. Forgot I mentioned it. Just pretend that it’s 1991, and MTV’s airing an episode of “Yo! MTV Raps.” I expect big things from the Public Enemies.

Project Runway All Stars (Lifetime) – They used to film “Project Runway” at my college. True story.

American Stuffers (Animal Planet) – Who needs shows about living, breathing, not dead animals when you can instead watch a series about people stuffing not living, not breathing, definitely dead animals? You can’t exactly put a live squirrel on the mantle, can you?

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) – It’s not as tame as Twilight (no religious subtext), but it’s not quite as sexxxy as “True Blood” (no Deborah Ann Woll); it exists in some CW melodramatic in-between, where the vampires don’t sparkle OR orgy. What’s the point?

Hollywood’s 2012 Diet Secret Revealed, Lose 30 Plus Lbs (Bravo) – You’ll have to stay up until 4:00 a.m. to know the secret, but I bet it’s worth it. Unless the secret is: lose 30 pounds. In which case, uh duh.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Tina Fey, Jeremy Irvine, and the Barr Brothers (I imagine two brothers dressed up as Roseanne – am I right?) on Letterman; Michelle Williams, Josh Lucas, and Chris Cornell on Leno; Tracy Morgan, Chris Paul, and tUnE-yArDs on Kimmel; Tom Selleck and Daniela Ruah on Ferguson; Rachel Maddow, Fred Armisen, and Sharon Van Etten on Fallon; Mindy Kaling, Johnny Galecki, and Tom Papa on Conan; Craig Shirley on Stewart; and Steve Case on Colbert.

It’s Secret Santa season, the time of the year when you’re forced to buy cheap “holiday” presents for your fellow office workers because a memo from the Powers That Be tell you to. It’s a wonderful strife…going on in your head because it’s likely that you hate many of the people you work with (HI DANGER AND DUSTIN), but you still have to give them something. But rather than begrudgingly purchasing an iTunes gift certificate for the third straight year, or another item they’d actually enjoy, a much better option is to buy them a present that slyly shows what you actually think of them. In other words: that you abhor them.

Here are 10 such last-minute, $15-or-less options.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Vampire Diaries (CW) — Fall finale. Formerly credible band My Morning Jacket play a high school’s homecoming dance. No less believable than vampires, I suppose.

Vietnam in HD (History) — The final two episodes — “A Changing War” and “Peace with Honor” — conclude the series. I can’t wait to watch this entire series tomorrow during Veterans Day. And even though I’m taking the day off, don’t worry: Danger Guerrero will be in to give you some corgis and a weekend preview.

Community (NBC) — I saw something really cool on Tumblr that compared last week’s gay-riffic episode to one of Stefon’s clubs on “Saturday Night Live.” “The city’s hottest club is COMMUNITY. It has everything: Blogons. Wet wipes. A guy dressed like Tron. Fabulous cross-dressing phenomenon Urbana Champagne. Black Hitler. And what’s that in the corner? Is that Inspector Spacetime? No. It’s an astronaut making paninis. The first 500 people through the door get an ivory toupee.” (Tonight’s episode: Annie moves in with Abed and Troy.)

Thursday Night Football (NFL Network) — Raiders at Chargers. There’s gonna be a live-blog at KSK, but I’m going to miss it because I’ve got tickets to Louis C.K.’s show tonight. Happy birthday to me, bitches.

Braxton Family Values (We) — Season 2 premiere. I didn’t even realize Toni Braxton had a reality show with her four sisters (Tamar, Traci, Trina, and Towanda).

Beavis and Butt-Head (MTV) — Get some TP for your bunghole, because Beavis’s alter ego the Great Cornholio returns in tonight’s episode. When I was 15, I laughed so hard from the “bunghole” line that I cried. I regret nothing.

Riding high on the success of Vampire Diaries, the WB CW has the hype machine running full speed for its latest teen super-powers-as-a-metaphor-for-diversity-parable, The Secret Circle, which debuts on September 15. The show is based on the book series from author L.J. Smith, who also did pretty well as my fantasy football tight end a few seasons ago.

So what, pray tell, is the story behind this teen romance fantasy series that makes it any different from all the others?

Circle (which is executive-produced by Vampire Diaries boss Kevin Williamson) centers on Cassie (played by Robertson), a teen who is forced by tragedy to leave behind her life in California for the mysterious Chance Harbor, Wash. There, she discovers that both she and her new group of friends — among them, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles‘ Thomas Dekker, Days of Our Lives alum Shelley Hennig and Australian starlet Phoebe Tonkin — are in fact witches. (Via TV Line)

Ah yes, this one is about witches… who attend high school in the Pacific Northwest. Huge difference.

The network released a teaser at Comic Con to get the geek hormones fired up, and I’m not gonna lie – this cast has some serious potential. Britt Robertson plays the lead witch – the reluctant sorceress, if you will – and I have no clue who she is. But the always wonderful Natasha Henstridge is playing the principal, and former Miss Teen USA Shelley Hennig is a witch, too. Also, Phoebe Tonkin is fresh off the boat from Australia and she seems nice. In all, this may deserve at least a viewing on mute.

After the jump, check out the new promo character posters, as well as the Comic Con teaser.

Read the rest of this entry »

Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

Read the rest of this entry »