I will END you, bro.

I hate him, but this is cool. San Fransisco Giants closer Brian Wilson went on “Lopez Tonight” dressed as a sea captain and proceeded to tell schooner and Thai hooker jokes. You KNOW it has to be good if I’m leading with a story from “Lopez Tonight” about a guy responsible for knocking my precious Phillies out of the playoffs. [With Leather]

Every story should lead with a picture of”30 Rock’s” Katrina Bowden. Or, you know, fighting flamingos. What’s happening with Hulu? [Uproxx News]

I’m not one to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT MOTHERTRUCKER. This is a post I did over at Film Drunk about a mind-blowing clip from an Indian action movie. It was later tweeted by Adam McKay, which I believe means I’m famous now and it sucks to be all of you. [Film Drunk]

Well that’s no shocker. Robopanda brings us the discovery of a dinosaur with one finger, and an awesome Photoshop. [Gamma Squad]

Cool, but which one of Will Smith’s children is playing him. An exclusive clip from the new Bieber movie “Never Say Never.” I liked that title better when it was a song from the Fievel movie. [MovieFone]

More after the jump, including apologetic dog and Sleigh Bells

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It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (ABC) — Ah, Charlie Brown specials on ABC. Perfect for holidays and when the network doesn’t feel like airing the last episodes of “Better Off Ted.” (image via)

Community (NBC) — “Modern Family” set the bar pretty high for Halloween episodes last night, but I have faith that “Community’s” zombie movie parody can match it. SPECIAL TIME: 8:30 p.m. Eastern, because NBC is airing something called “Scared Shrekless” to compete with Charlie Brown.

Jersey Shore (MTV) — The Guidos reunite to talk about Season 2. Sweet, I hope they talk about the letter, because the producers totally glossed over that plot line for, like, four straight episodes.

World Series (Fox) — Game 2, Rangers at Giants. C.J. Wilson takes the hill against Matt Cain as the Rangers look to get past Cliff Lee’s Game 1 dud and even the series. Unfortunately, it is not a Halloween special.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Season finale. If they wanted to do this right, finalists Mondo, Andy, and Gretchen would have designed Halloween costumes. I totally would have watched that.

Vampire Diaries (The CW) — Oooohhhh, there’s a masquerade ball tonight! Vampires in costume for Halloween! *BRAAAAHHHM*

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) — Season 6 premiere. It’s the first season that the show has been shot on HD, which is great news for all the Danny DeVito fetishists out there. If you’ve never watched the show, then now is the time to put some wine in a can and find FX on your cable box. It’s one of the funniest shows on television.

The League (FX) — Season premiere. The first season was a criminally short six episodes, so I’m hoping Season 2 gives us a fuller run through the NFL season. In tonight’s premiere, the guys go to Las Vegas for their draft, where they meet guest star Chad Ochocinco.

The Apprentice (NBC) — Season premiere. It’s regular-people “Apprentice,” not the celebrity kind. And who the hell is still watching “The Apprentice”? Is it you? You, Grandma?

Vampire Diaries (CW) — I brushed over the season premiere of this last week because of football (same with “Nikita”), but I’ll give credit where it’s due: the CW employs some fantastically attractive people (image via).

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Dude, there are still NINE designers left? And the episodes are 90 minutes long? This season of “Project Runway” is longer than a NASCAR season. And yes, I believe that’s the first recorded instance of “Project Runway” being compared to NASCAR.

Two weeks ago, the CW picked up “The Vampire Diaries” for next fall.  It’s about a handsome brooding vampire in high school who falls in love with a regular girl, based on the popular books by a female author.  Hmmm, why does that sound familiar?

Anyway, the CW just released this extended preview, and let me switch over to all-caps to say HOLY HELL THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE.  The first half of this clip is just shots of girls swooning over Vlad the Brooder, then the last two minutes are about what happens when Vlad’s evil brother shows up.  Look out, he can turn into a crow!  He can turn into fog!  Wait, what?  He can turn into fog?  Goddammit, vampires used to be pretty cool monsters.  They turned into bats and couldn’t go outside in daylight.  Now they’re transfer students who skateboard and play guitar and get tattoos.  STOP VIOLATING THE PARAMETERS OF FICTIONAL MONSTERS.

Don’t you love how Twilight and “True Blood” are all the rage because teenage girls and retards get off on handsome romantic brooding vampires who love a human girl instead of tearing her throat open and drinking her blood like vampires are supposed to do?  Well, the CW is going to do the same thing, except this time there are TWO vampires!  And they love the same girl!  And they’re brothers!  OMG OMG FRATERNAL VAMPIRE LOVE TRIANGLE!!!! **fans self**

“Vampire Diaries” is the first CW series to land a pickup for fall.  Based on the Alloy young adult novels about a young woman courted by two vampire brothers, one good and one evil. The brothers are at war over her soul as well as the souls of her friends, family members, and town.

“It taps into what women have been fascinated with for years,” CW President of Entertainment Dawn Ostroff said in March. ” ‘Dark Shadows,’ ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ and ‘Twilight.’ ” It’s a great story about a young woman who is in a love triangle between two brothers. It’s all about her life. We like that it’s romantic and dangerous all at the same time.” [Show Tracker]

Jesus H., how many iterations of the same story are we going to have to suffer through?  When did all vampires become total pussies?  Why can’t they just nail the hot teenage they ass they fall in love with, and then bite the teenage ass so the teenage ass becomes immortal teenage ass?  Vampires were way better when they were eccentric old counts who lived in scary castles.  Preferably portrayed by Gary Oldman.