As much as I’d like to say that the zombie phenomenon is played out, I can’t help but admire the occasional slice of badassery it stirs in the human imagination, such as Shaun of the Dead, “The Walking Dead,” World War Z, or this illustration of Velma and Scooby Doo surviving in the zombie apocalypse.
I don’t want to geek out too much here, but I kind of love everything about this picture: how nerdy Velma is the only survivor, how Scooby’s been made over to look like a vicious Doberman mix, the re-christening of the “Mystery Machine,” the chain-link fencing over the windows… but one thing troubles me. The cross and stakes seem to suggest that maybe this was made to make Velma… AW CRAP. This isn’t a zombie apocalypse at all! It’s a vampire apocalypse! What I thought was badass was actually gay and lame! YA USED ME, INTERNET!
Sorry about that, folks. The only way that this can be salvaged is if we make it an apocalypse with vampires AND zombies. Which reminds me: I’m writing a movie script called Vampires vs. Zombies, so anyone else who tries to make that film can expect to get sued. (If it has “versus” in the title, it’s GOTTA be good! Like Alien vs. Predator, or Monsters vs Aliens, or Roe v. Wade.)
I’m not enamored with “True Blood,” but I respect its appeal: Sunday night’s Season 2 premiere opened with an extended scene in some kind of a basement torture chamber and later featured a topless Anna Paquin getting her own blood spit into her mouth. (Uh, you had to be there?)
That’s apparently enough for people to look past the hilariously bad accents and stilted dialogue, because America watched the sh-t out of “True Blood.” From The Live Feed:
HBO’s second season premiere of “True Blood” earned a series record-setting 3.7 million viewers, making it was the most-watched program on the network since “The Sopranos” finale two years ago.
Despite facing the last game of the NBA Finals, the Sunday telecast was up 157% compared to the first season premiere and 51% from the first season finale. If you fold in the show’s 11 p.m. encore, “True Blood” was seen by 5.1 million viewers.
Like I said, I’m not going to get mad about people getting off to gothic torture porn or whatever it is this show does well, but… REALLY? F-ckin’ really, America? The biggest HBO show since “The Sopranos” finale? You know what else aired on HBO since then? The final season of “The Wire,” Generation Kill (which was so good it gave me flashbacks), and “Eastbound and Down.” And it’s not like “The Wire” and “Eastbound” didn’t have tits. Oh, they had tits all right. And Generation Kill and “The Wire” both had awesomely realistic violence. But they had zero vampires. Sorry, David Simon. Spend a little less time creating compelling stories and realistic dialogue, and start giving us some f-cking vampires already.
Vampires suck.
Two weeks ago, the CW picked up “The Vampire Diaries” for next fall. It’s about a handsome brooding vampire in high school who falls in love with a regular girl, based on the popular books by a female author. Hmmm, why does that sound familiar?
Anyway, the CW just released this extended preview, and let me switch over to all-caps to say HOLY HELL THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE. The first half of this clip is just shots of girls swooning over Vlad the Brooder, then the last two minutes are about what happens when Vlad’s evil brother shows up. Look out, he can turn into a crow! He can turn into fog! Wait, what? He can turn into fog? Goddammit, vampires used to be pretty cool monsters. They turned into bats and couldn’t go outside in daylight. Now they’re transfer students who skateboard and play guitar and get tattoos. STOP VIOLATING THE PARAMETERS OF FICTIONAL MONSTERS.
Don’t you love how Twilight and “True Blood” are all the rage because teenage girls and retards get off on handsome romantic brooding vampires who love a human girl instead of tearing her throat open and drinking her blood like vampires are supposed to do? Well, the CW is going to do the same thing, except this time there are TWO vampires! And they love the same girl! And they’re brothers! OMG OMG FRATERNAL VAMPIRE LOVE TRIANGLE!!!! **fans self**
“Vampire Diaries” is the first CW series to land a pickup for fall. Based on the Alloy young adult novels about a young woman courted by two vampire brothers, one good and one evil. The brothers are at war over her soul as well as the souls of her friends, family members, and town.
“It taps into what women have been fascinated with for years,” CW President of Entertainment Dawn Ostroff said in March. ” ‘Dark Shadows,’ ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ and ‘Twilight.’ ” It’s a great story about a young woman who is in a love triangle between two brothers. It’s all about her life. We like that it’s romantic and dangerous all at the same time.” [Show Tracker]
Jesus H., how many iterations of the same story are we going to have to suffer through? When did all vampires become total pussies? Why can’t they just nail the hot teenage they ass they fall in love with, and then bite the teenage ass so the teenage ass becomes immortal teenage ass? Vampires were way better when they were eccentric old counts who lived in scary castles. Preferably portrayed by Gary Oldman.
