Over the first three seasons of “True Blood,” HBO has given us a world populated with sexy vampires, sexy werewolves, sexy shape-shifters, sexy telepaths, and sexy mythological demigods. So what new characters can we expect in Season 4? *crosses fingers* C’monnnnn SEXY ZOMBIES!

• Marnie is a Z-list palm reader who’s painfully aware of what a joke she is — that is, until she comes to be possessed by the spirit of a real witch.
• Andy’s sister, Portia, is as easy on the eyes as she is sharp in the courtroom. And, since I hear possible portrayers have to be cool with nude scenes, we’re gonna get an eyeful.
• Queen Mab is an elegant beauty who presides over a fantasy land that sounds a lot like the fairy domain into which Sookie (Anna Paquin) keeps being pulled.
• Suzanne McKittrick is a Real Housewives type who throws a hootenanny to bond with “her kind.”
• Naomi is an Asian-American cage fighter who, outside of the ring…er, cage…is hot-’n’-heavy with one of her female competitors. [via Tardface]

Awwww, no sexy mummies? I guess we’ll have to settle for mythological creatures like witches, fairies, and lesbian Asian cage fighters.

In January, I warned you of the possibility that MTV would remake George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. As a TV series for teenagers. Well, that didn’t happen — yet — but MTV has gone ahead with another zombie series. From The Hollywood Reporter:

The documentary-style “Death Valley” has an ensemble cast that includes Caity Lotz (“Mad Men”) [Don's California jailbait in Season 4 - Ed.] and Tania Raymonde (“Lost”) [gorgeous-ass Alex Rousseau] and follows the Undead Task Force, which battles zombies, vampires and werewolves that have overrun the San Fernando Valley.

Oh, good. There are vampires and werewolves, too. I hope some of them can find the time to fall in love with humans.

“‘Death Valley’ is the perfect combination of horror and comedy, two genres we know our audience responds to,” senior vp production Tony DiBari said. “That blend, combined with a fast pace and gritty ‘follow doc’ visual style, will take viewers on a wild ride where they are never sure what’s around the next corner.”

Though MTV’s audience skews female, executives said research has shown that horror is a good fit for the network… “When done right, it’s the kind of genre that both boys and girls come together to watch,” [executive vp scripted development David] Janollari said.

In case you skimmed those paragraphs, here’s the summation: “A documentary-style show in which a pair of hot girls fight zombies, vampires and werewolves that will be a blend of comedy and horror and appeal to both boys and girls.” Sounds pretty good, but can we rasta-fy the main character by another 10% or so?

If something is so predictably lame and cliched that it can be used as a punchline, Hollywood will greenlight it. Case in point: NBC has bought a spec script for “Zombies Vs. Vampires,” something that I once joked about writing before realizing it was already a B-movie.

Zombies vs. Vampires is described as a “fun buddy cop procedural.” It is set in a world where zombies are a part of society, controllable with medication. The show’s two leads (one secretly a vampire) are cops assigned to a squad specifically formed to deal with “zombie crime”. [Deadline]

Well, the vampire cop seems pretty unnecessary, but I guess I’ve heard of worse ideas. Like, say, the original Vampires Vs Zombies (later retitled Carmilla, the Lesbian Vampire). Check out the inset poster. Here’s the blurb, in case you don’t have your glasses:

“A fast and convoluted splatter horror action vampire lesbian story.” –Barry Meyer, filmmonthly.com

Yep, “convoluted” was the BEST review quote they could find. But I’m sure NBC will do it right in their iteration. Maybe the vampire cop can be an old-timer about to retire, and his partner can be a fresh-faced rookie werewolf cop! They just might solve the big zombie murder case — if only they can get along!

CBS: where vampires have reflections

The CW has acquired the rights to and will re-air “Moonlight,” a vampire series that CBS canceled after one season in 2008. Wait, 2008? I thought that show aired in the ’80s. And I don’t remember Bruce Willis being a vampire. Whatever, maybe E! can explain it:

The CW confirms that they’ll be airing CBS’ short-lived fangalicious series Moonlight this summer after The Vampire Diaries finishes its first season…

So why is the CW airing Moonlight now? I’m told that the decision was made in part to keep [star Alex] O’Loughlin’s fan base chugging along, in the hopes they’ll follow him to the new Hawaii Five-O this fall. (The CW and CBS are all one family, you know.) Plus, maybe you’ve heard, people kinda like vampires these days? So the ratings shouldn’t be too shabby either, and will keep the TV audience busy.

That should give you an idea of how old CBS’s audience is: it had a vampire series with low ratings. That’s unthinkable to me. I could put vampire fangs on my dog and 13 million teenage girls would become fans of it on Facebook, and yet none of those girls have ever heard of CBS. “Oh, you mean Grandma’s channel?”

Wait a minute. Back it up. I think I just had an idea.

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The People’s Choice Awards were held last night, and as you can tell from last night’s What’s On Tonight, I either wasn’t aware of them or didn’t care to mention their existence. (Hint: it was both.) Anyway, Queen Latifah hosted for the fourth consecutive year, and absolutely nothing surprising about what the populace likes was revealed. Which is to say: vampire crap won lots of awards.

“Twilight” won four trophies, including favourite movie, franchise and on-screen team for the dreamy trio of Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, who also picked up the breakout male actor award.

The undead HBO fable “True Blood” and the soapy supernatural CW series “The Vampire Diaries” were respectively selected as favourite TV obsession and favourite new TV drama.

The full list of winners is here, and aside from the vampire stuff, it’s a fairly even mix of things that make me feel ill and worried about society (Favorite Comedy Movie: The Proposal) and things that give me the faintest glimmer of hope (Favorite TV Drama: “House” over “CSI” and “NCIS”). So the end result is a faint feeling of nausea tempered by apathy. Which makes this a pretty average day.