This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

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As we all know, I’m a big Paz de la Huerta fan — for her work on “Boardwalk Empire,” for her lingerie modeling, and most especially for her drunken physical assaults of reality TV fame whores. But a lot of that has to do with my tastes; I like a a woman who might break a beer bottle and stab me in the ribs with it during sex.

Paz was a guest on VH1′s “Big Morning Buzz Live” today, and she REALLY knows how to dress for a TV interview: thigh-highs, garters, form-fitting turtleneck. The first 30 seconds or so of the interview are GREAT.

And then Paz talks. And she. Talks. Very. Slowly. Her pauses between sentences are so long that the camera cuts over to host Carrie Keagan (no slouch herself), whose smiling nods can’t hide the desperation on her face. It’s simply an awful interview. You MUST watch it!

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My mom has that same outfit.

According to Radar, Weston Coppola Cage and Christina Fulton — the son and ex-girlfriend of Nicolas Cage — will star in a VH1 reality series called “Uncaged.”

“Christina said the show will be like a modern-day Addams Family,” an insider told our friends at Star. “Weston just wants to show the world he’s not mentally ill.” Christina is working on an album, also titled Uncaged, in which she takes jabs at her Oscar-winning ex.

Weston, 20, made headlines in July when he was arrested twice on suspicion of domestic violence after fights with his wife, Nikki (left), and checked into rehab, as well. He gained notoriety after a Hollywood street fight he was in (with his former personal trainer) went viral.

In case you missed any of that back story, Weston went in for a mental evaluation after that fight with his trainer, then he proved his sanity by taking off his shoes and doing a whole bunch of karate kicks for paparazzi. You must see all of the photos. Also, he used to look like this.

As for Fulton, her IMDb credits include “Red Shoe Diaries” (1992), Red Shoe Diaries 3: Another Woman’s Lipstick (1993), and The Girl With the Hungry Eyes (1995). He most recent “acting” role was 2000′s Red Shoe Diaries 14: Luscious Lola. Also, she used to look like this (NSFW).

I’m sure “Uncaged” will be tastefully subdued.

You’ll have to excuse me. Because I don’t watch VH1, I had never heard of “Ton of Cash” or contestant Jonny Sarhanis, who apparently calls himself “the Greek Mystique.” Sarhanis apparently does something called “the Animal,” which involves braying and beating his chest like some kind of Australopithecine cross-bred with something dumber.

When host Dhani Jones (good to see him working!) tells Sarhanis that he has to leave the show, the Greek Mystique attempts to give the motivational speech from Rocky Balboa, then he gives up and does the Animal until he falls onto his back from exhaustion — or possibly from depriving his brain of oxygen. It must be seen to be believed (and subsequently mocked).

[Vulture]

Regular readers of Warming Glow know that I’m not one to feel nostalgic for the 1990s, and I’ll happily trash “Saved By the Bell,” “90210,” and almost every non-Radiohead album after Kurt Cobain’s death to prove it. However, I have a massive soft spot for “Pop Up Videos,” the first VH1 program that ever pulled my teenage eyes away from MTV. And now it’s coming back, with modifications made for the Internet and social media:

After a 10-year hiatus, VH1 is resurrecting Pop Up Videos with co-creator Woody Thompson (pictured) on board as executive producer. The network has ordered 60 half-hour episodes set to bow as a strip in the fall.

The reboot will remain faithful to the original concept of bubbles of true “info nuggets” strategically deployed over music videos for maximum irony. But this time Thompson and his team will also pop-up rap and hip-hop, a genre that was off limits for the original because it was the domain of sister network MTV. [THR]

Now that almost all music videos live on YouTube, I’m not sure if they can ever be successful on television again. But if they can be viable on TV, I think this is the way to do it. What with news crawls on cable channels and people using Twitter while they watch TV, the extra information and sensory stimulation is perfect for the 21st century. It’ll be the first thing I’ve watched on VH1 since “Rock of Love.”