The manhunt for Ryan Jenkins, the reality star charged with the murder of his ex-wife, ended yesterday when he was found dead in a remote Canadian motel, the victim of an apparent suicide by hanging. Let’s go to the highlight reel:
Jenkins’ body was found in The Thunderbird Motel on a secluded road on the outskirts of Hope B.C. at the entrance to the province’s mountainous interior. His body was found in a room at the out-of-the-way motel…
[Ex-wife Jasmine] Fiore’s teeth had been pulled out and her fingers cut off, apparently to impede her identification. Investigators used the serial numbers on her breast implants to identify her…
Friends said Fiore was a model who worked mainly in Las Vegas and Los Angeles, doing gigs such as being bodypainted at parties… Court records showed Jenkins was charged in June in Nevada with a misdemeanor count of “battery constituting domestic violence” for allegedly hitting Fiore in the arm and was set to be tried in December.
Man oh man. I hate to take death lightly but this is the greatest blog story EVER. Here’s a list of the elements of this story, starting from square one: Reality TV. VH1. Playboy model (Megan Hauserman). Strippers. Playboy model (Fiore). Vegas wedding. Marriage annulled. History of domestic violence. Strangled to death. Fingers cut off. Teeth removed. Body in a suitcase. Suitcase in a Dumpster. Identified by breast implants. Escape to Canada. Motel. Suicide. Hanging.
That is amazing. It’s like a Mad Libs of every joke I’ve ever told. The only way this could have been better is if he had hanged himself while masturbating. And there was a cat dressed as a police officer investigating.
**hands suitcase to valet** “Take my wife… please.”
The Ryan Jenkins-suitcase-Dumpster Photoshop gets work for the third consecutive day, as police have formally charged the reality star with the murder of bikini model Jasmine Fiore. In case you’re late to the saga, Jenkins was a contestant on VH1’s “Megan Wants a Millionaire” who reportedly went on to win “I Love Money 3,” which has yet to air. He met Fiore in a Las Vegas strip club, married her two days later (it was later annulled), then she showed up strangled to death in a suitcase found in an Orange County Dumpster the day after he reported her missing — and also a day after she was getting texts from an ex-boyfriend. Full story here and here.
Phew. That’s a lot of back story, but I always enjoy re-telling it. Anyway, here are the new developments:
A police lieutenant said Fiore’s fingers and teeth had been removed, and prosecutors have asked that Jenkins be held on $10 million bail when he is found.
Authorities in Washington state said a man matching Jenkins’ description was seen boarding a boat bound for a remote area where it is possible to walk into Canada [Jenkins is from Alberta].
Yeeeeeee-ikes. **avoids eye contact with Canada, backs away slowly** That is some twisted stuff right there. I mean, it’s messed up enough to strangle someone to death, but you can at least be like, “Okay, crime of passion, it happens sometimes when people’s darker sides escape.” Removing the fingers and teeth of someone you murdered with your bare (or possibly gloved) hands? Dude, that takes a sick mind and an iron stomach. Uh, or so I would assume. As always, the lesson to be learned here is: always have a pre-dug grave in an isolated spot, just in case.
In the wake of the news that “Megan Wants a Millionaire” contestant Ryan Jenkins is wanted by police for questioning in the murder of his wife Jasmine Fiore, VH1 has done everything in its power to pretend he never existed, pulling all “Megan” content from its website and removing the show from iTunes. Kind of a bitch move, VH1.
But wait, there’s more. Jenkins was also convicted in 2007 of assaulting his girlfriend at the time. Oh, and on the night of Fiore’s murder, she received a text message from an ex-boyfriend. TMZ says:
At some point in the evening, Fiore texted Robert Hasman, a former boyfriend with whom she was involved before meeting Jenkins.
We’re told Jenkins not only knew of Hasman, he was upset Hasman had been communicating with his wife while Jenkins was in Mexico shooting a reality show. We’re told Fiore texted Hasman on Friday night, saying she was going to travel to Las Vegas to see him.
Later that same evening, we’re told Hasman received another text from Fiore’s phone that just said, “suck it.” Police are exploring a theory that Jenkins may have seen the text Fiore sent to Hasman and then fired off the “suck it” message out of anger.
WOW. This is a horrible, horrible story… and yet totally fascinating. Further F-ing up VH1’s world, TMZ also uncovered that Jenkins was also a contestant on the recently-wrapped “I Love Money 3″ — and he won the $250,000 top prize. I’m thinking they can make that check out directly to his defense attorney.
Ryan Jenkins, one of the supposed millionaires on VH1’s “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” has been declared a person of interest in the murder of the woman with whom he was involved (not Megan Hauserman, unfortunately). Jasmine Fiore, a bikini model who allegedly married Jenkins in Las Vegas after they met at a strip club, was found inside a suitcase in a Dumpster in Buena Park, California after she was strangled to death. Oh I know, it’s hard to believe that a woman named Jasmine was in a strip club. And that a man with a carefully groomed goatee might murder someone.
She was first reported missing by Jenkins on Saturday night. We’re told the Buena Park PD has been trying unsuccessfully to contact him and fear he may be on the run. A police official told us they fear the 32-year-old Jenkins, a resident of Calgary, may be fleeing to Canada. As the official put it, “It’s suspicious.” [TMZ]
Holy crap, this story is a massive combination of every joke I’ve ever told. It’s at the center of my comedic Venn diagram. Well, not the exact center. There’s no rape involved. Not unless Jenkins goes to prison, anyway.
(Fiore’s modeling pictures are here and here. I didn’t post them because I’m classy like that. More on this story at the LA Times. Thanks to “gimp” for the tip.)
If you don’t watch VH1’s aggressively tasteless lineup of quasi-celebrity-based reality shows, good for you. But that likely means you don’t know who Megan Hauserman (loving rendered here) is. A former Playboy Cybergirl (NSFW pictures here with super-NSFW ads), Megan established her reality show career by stealing scenes in “Rock of Love II,” “I Love Money,” and “Rock of Love Charm School” — the last of which led to her suing Sharon Osbourne because Osbourne threw a drink on her.
And now she’s got her own wear-a-bikini-and-hook-up-with-dudes reality show called “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” in which men who can afford to have better-looking and smarter women try to woo someone who even Bret Michaels didn’t want. Sounds awesome. You guys are doing great at life.
[Videogum]
MC Hammer and Flavor Flav have risen from the hip-hop graveyard to power their own reality series, and VH1 is apparently looking to do the same thing for female artists, as it has greenlit separate series for Pepa and Chilli:
VH1 is giving two female hip-hop artists their own reality series — Sandra “Pepa” Denton of Salt n Pepa and Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas from TLC [not to be confused with the cable channel - Ed.].
The “Pepa” series follows Denton as she begins her to search for love after living a celibate life for years. VH1 has ordered eight half-hour episodes… “Chilli” from R&B group TLC is also searching for romance and has enlisted the help of Brooklyn relationship expert Tionna Smalls. Eight half-hour episodes have been ordered.
Oohhhh… women in their late 30s and early 40s looking for love. Sounds spicy… like a Chilli Pepa! [I apologize. You didn't deserve that.] When asked why they didn’t get a reality show yet, the members of Kris Kross merely shrugged and went back to giving handjobs under the freeway overpass.
