Ugh. Shut up, Kay.

VH1, having realized that America loves reality shows about women arguing and Italian stereotypes, is going to combine those scintillating subjects for “Mob Wives,” which will be produced by the Weinstein Company.

Created by Jennifer Graziano, the 10-episode series follows the lives of four “allegedly” associated women who have to rebuild their lives after their husbands or fathers do time for Mob-related activities.

“Mob Wives” is said to begin shooting after Thanksgiving, with episodes expected to air in March 2011. [Showtracker]

As a law-abiding citizen, all I know about the mob is what I’ve seen from movies, and the female characters in mob movies tend to be either two-dimensional shrikes or instruments of sex. And if any series is going to break that stereotype of women related to the mob, it definitely wasn’t “The Sopranos.” Nope, my vote goes to a reality show. Reality TV is so well known for its nuanced, deep characters.

But I’ll say this: it already sounds better than every “Real Housewives” franchise.

Last night, Audrina Patridge was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” even though she got the second-highest score from the judges. Meanwhile, Bristol Palin’s arhythmic clubfooted swaying didn’t even land her in the bottom two. Why? Because the tubby Midwestern housewives who vote for “DWTS” are threatened by Audrina but not by Bristol. Thanks, America. Keep up the great work.

But don’t worry, we WILL see Audrina’s abs on television again. As was previously reported, Mark Burnett has been shopping a reality project for her, and Deadline says that VH1 is close to picking it up.

The still untitled project, whose order is expected to be in the 8-10 episode range, will document Patridge’s life with her family as she tries to navigate the world of fame and celebrity in Hollywood…

Patridge teamed with Burnett to develop a new reality series built around her in the spring of 2009. MTV ordered a pilot for the project, The Audrina Show, which was to chronicle her daily life. While it ultimately didn’t go to series, sister channel VH1 pursued Patridge and Burnett for a retooled version of the project and to better fit into its brand and ordered it to series.

Let’s be honest here: Audrina’s show didn’t get picked up before because Audrina isn’t very interesting. A body that wet dreams are made of, sure, but duller than C-SPAN. That’s why I want VH1′s retooling of the show to be called “The Audrina Patridge Silent Neck-Down Shower Hour.”

No me gusta

Nine months after “Jersey Shore’s” Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi expressed a desire to have her own reality dating competition called “Snookin’ For Love,” MTV seems poised to make that dream a reality.

The pint-sized Jersey Shore starlet will search for true love ["true love" = "more fame" -Ed.] in an MTV reality series, sources tell In Touch. “They are set to make the big announcement any day now,” an insider says, adding that viewers can expect Jersey-worthy drama on the shore-to-be-hit. Snooki’s pals, like Jenni “JWoww” Farley, and even a variety of ex-boyfriends, are slated to make appearances. [In Touch]

Oh, this should be delightful. It will have “Flavor of Love’s” sex appeal, “Rock of Love’s” STDs, and “Megan Wants a Millionaire’s” likelihood of murder and dismemberment. In other words: compelling television.

Pretend VH1 wanted to make its own version of “The Biggest Loser” produced by the same people responsible for “Rock of Love.” Now stop pretending, because the dream is real. The video below is the trailer for “Money Hungry,” in which ten teams of fat people each pony up $10,000 of their own money for a shot at the entire $100K pot. All they have to do is lose the most blubber off their grotesque, neglected, diabetes-ridden ham receptacles. Hosted by Rock-N-Jock legend Dan Cortese!

In all honesty, this looks 800% more entertaining than “Biggest Loser.” NBC runs that show for two hours every week, and a solid 40 minutes of it is the numbers going up and down on the scale. GODDAMMIT, IT’S AN ELECTRONIC SCALE! IT SHOULD DISPLAY THE NUMBER IMMEDIATELY!

VH1, by contrast, seems more interested in giving its bumbling whales a houseful of booze and IKEA furniture. Now THAT’S entertainment!

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Having failed to lock down Cheryl Burke’s fine ass on “Dancing with the Stars,” Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is turning to VH1 to help him find a woman. (VH1: it’s Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” board for famous people.) In an awesome twist that I hope is copied in future reality dating shows, the women are placed in a bracket and must face each other head-to-head, vying for Ochocinco’s love tournament-style.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but I think Chad just might have enough charm and blithe sincerity to be the best dating show star since Bret Michaels. In a related story, there’s no chance in hell that I’m drafting him for my fantasy team this year. Take that, Ochocinco!

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]