Pretend VH1 wanted to make its own version of “The Biggest Loser” produced by the same people responsible for “Rock of Love.” Now stop pretending, because the dream is real. The video below is the trailer for “Money Hungry,” in which ten teams of fat people each pony up $10,000 of their own money for a shot at the entire $100K pot. All they have to do is lose the most blubber off their grotesque, neglected, diabetes-ridden ham receptacles. Hosted by Rock-N-Jock legend Dan Cortese!

In all honesty, this looks 800% more entertaining than “Biggest Loser.” NBC runs that show for two hours every week, and a solid 40 minutes of it is the numbers going up and down on the scale. GODDAMMIT, IT’S AN ELECTRONIC SCALE! IT SHOULD DISPLAY THE NUMBER IMMEDIATELY!

VH1, by contrast, seems more interested in giving its bumbling whales a houseful of booze and IKEA furniture. Now THAT’S entertainment!

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Having failed to lock down Cheryl Burke’s fine ass on “Dancing with the Stars,” Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is turning to VH1 to help him find a woman. (VH1: it’s Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” board for famous people.) In an awesome twist that I hope is copied in future reality dating shows, the women are placed in a bracket and must face each other head-to-head, vying for Ochocinco’s love tournament-style.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but I think Chad just might have enough charm and blithe sincerity to be the best dating show star since Bret Michaels. In a related story, there’s no chance in hell that I’m drafting him for my fantasy team this year. Take that, Ochocinco!

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]

This is the trailer for VH1′s “You’re Cut Off” (premiering tomorrow), and without slipping into hyperbole too much, this is pretty much the worst thing since the Holocaust [UPDATE: video after the cut because it has a tendency to auto-play]. Yes, it’s worse than Pol Pot and the killing fields. I’d rather be a Louisiana pelican than watch a full episode of this.

To give you some detail, it’s a reality show about a group of spoiled young women who get cut off from their parents and are forced to live in a house where they learn about the cruel realities of the world, like household chores, grocery shopping, and life without a Ferrari. Sample dialog:

Fruity guy: Today, you’ll be shopping at two thrift stores.
Girl: Ewww!

Yep. And it features people like Omarosa and Perez Hilton, despicable characters from the sewer run-off of the 21st century’s pop culture diarrhea. Ugh, I think I liked it better when VH1′s reality shows were about whores finding love with murderers.

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Pictured: the lasting societal worth of reality television

Reality TV producers gathered in Santa Monica on Wednesday and Thursday for a conference in which they told each other how much reality TV benefits society and complained about how their genre — Factual Entertainment, they call it — is unfairly maligned. Then they finished with a big circle jerk (citation needed). From the WaPo’s Lisa de Moraes:

“I firmly believe it’s the most socially valuable product on television,” Rob Sharenow, senior vice president of nonfiction programming at A&E network told a Fairmont Hotel ballroom filled with people who nodded sympathetically…

“Who did more for a gay child struggling with their identity than Pedro did?” Sharenow asked rhetorically. He was referring to Pedro Zamora, the AIDS activist who became a pop-culture icon when he was cast on MTV’s “The Real World: San Francisco” and died not long after that edition of the reality series wrapped.

Oh, an example from 17 years ago! So timely, especially with the continuing AIDS pandemic. Hey everybody, remember when “The Real World” was about something besides people getting drunk and screwing?

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After years of creating self-sustaining reality garbage powered by tattoos and venereal disease, VH1 is wiping the slate clean and producing 44 new shows this year — and supposedly, none of them will be about Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav, or the whores who got shows by competing for their love.

While VH1 hasn’t fallen out of love with irreverence, it’s also no longer in the business of getting Bret Michaels laid. Instead, the Viacom net is prepping a slate of unscripted series designed to more faithfully reflect the concerns of its core demographic. “As much as they’ve enjoyed the ‘Love’ franchise, our audience was getting a little fatigued by all those manufactured reality shows,” said Tom Calderone, president, VH1. “They want more authenticity in their reality, which isn’t to say that it can’t be comedic and light.”

I dunno, Tom. I’d say the grisly murder that happened at the hands of one of your reality show contestants was pretty authentic. Not very comedic, though. Read the rest of this entry »