“The ratings are in! The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show leads among sleazy dudes with no internet connection.” That’s a quote from Rick Muscles’s Twitter feed last night, but it’s actually true: more people watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show than any other program last night.

Victoria’s Secret was seen by 10.3 million viewers and scored a whopping 4.6 rating among adults 18-49 at 10 p.m. That’s the special’s largest audience since 2002 and its biggest demo rating during its nine-year history — leaping 35 percent from last year. [EW]

Am I the only person who doesn’t think this is as sexy as it should be? Don’t get me wrong, the models are gorgeous; I’d happily push my fiancée out of a 12th-story window for a three-way with Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio. But if I’m going to go through the hassle of murder charges for an epic night of chocolate sauce and orgasms, I’d rather the girls not be wearing giant moth wings, you know? The excess detracts from the beauty. Just put the models in simple, classy lingerie like crotchless panties.

Video from the fashion show below, a wealth of photos here.

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Here’s the extended cut of the new Victoria’s Secret holiday commercial that premiered during last night’s VS Fashion Show on CBS, directed by none other than Michael Bay. This year’s effort is pretty understated given that the 2009 version had explosions and helicopters.

There’s not a whole lot to say about this, since it’s just attractive women wearing sexy underwear set to music, and you’re not even reading this, are you? You’re just watching the video. It really doesn’t matter what I write. I might as well just fill in some lorem ipsum words. Purple computer shoestring exuberant genesis couch vagina monologue. I’m gonna go have a sandwich now.

"I'm on a horse."

Here’s the full-length Victoria’s Secret ad that Michael Bay directed. It’s been on a bunch of other websites recently (including FilmDrunk), but I’d hate for something that features supermodels, lingerie, and explosions to get excluded from Warming Glow’s historical record. Supermodels, lingerie, and explosions is why I got into writing in the first place. Writing, and also masturbating.

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As noted earlier this week, buxom blonde Jamie Lee Darley was bested by Kylie Bisutti (pictured) in a vote to determine the newest Victoria’s Secret Angel during the CBS telecast of the popular lingerie line’s fashion show. And while I admit to favoring Jamie Lee, Kylie’s not exactly unattractive, either. Unfortunately for our respective fantasies, the 19-year-old is already married, having recently tied the knot during a beach ceremony in Cabo San Lucas.

So, who’s the lucky fellow?

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Last night, after a harrowing “Sons of Anarchy” finale that introduced more problems than it resolved, I dialed up the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on my DVR. You know, because it’s my job. Research. Yeah, research, that’s it. And I was surprised to learn that it wasn’t just a Black Eyed Peas-haunted runway show with overly elaborate lingerie costumes; there was also a reality show built into the hour that would determine a new Victoria’s Secret Angel.

And for those of you who missed the final showdown between Jamie Lee (pictured) and Kylie, SPOILER ALERT: Kylie won. Poor Jamie Lee. Once — just ONCE — I’d like to see a gorgeous blonde with huge boobs get a break in this country. (Video of both girls below.)

Oh, and while I’m on the subject, I’d like to put down in writing my F You to the ballyhooed Miraculous Bra. Oh, it increases your chest by two cup sizes? You know what that’s called, ladies? LYING. I guess I’ll just shove this cucumber down my pants and expect you to not be disappointed when we get naked.

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