I didn’t bother watching the MTV Video Music Awards, but the former music channel’s circle-jerk celebration of the music industry somehow drew 12.4 million total viewers, the largest audience in the network’s 30-year history. In related news, I am officially old.

In the network’s target persons 12-34 audience, the VMAs delivered a 10.8 rating (8.5 million), making it MTV’s most-watched telecast of all time in the demo. Versus last year’s show, the VMAs were up 8% with  persons 12-34 and 9% with total viewers. The 2011 VMAs now rank as the No. 1 cable telecast of 2011 with persons 12-34 and the No. 1 non-sports cable telecast of 2011 with total viewers…

The VMAs were probably helped by a new Jersey Shore, which aired at 7 PM, leading into the VMA pre-show. The reality juggernaut drew more than 8 million viewers and a 7.5 P12-34 rating (5.9 million), up 36% from last year. [Deadline]

Damn MTV, with its “Jersey Shore,” and its transgender stars like Gaga and Bieber, and its long hair and saggy pants, prancing around in its underwear like the world is a goddam burlesque show. Get off my lawn!

This weekend, as millions of people on the East Coast rushed to the grocery store to get the last remaining cans of creamed eels and wadded beef on the shelves, most of the “Jersey Shore” cast was boarding a private jet to fly to the Video Music Awards in California. From Us Weekly this weekend:

As Hurricane Irene threatens to destroy the East Coast, an insider tells Us Weekly that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Vinny Guadagnino, Deena Nicole Cortese and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola boarded a private jet Saturday morning in Teterboro, New Jersey.

Well isn’t that just dandy. I spend all weekend washing down hurricane chow with corn nog, and these retards get a free ride in a private jet so they can get tarted up like Las Vegas drag queens and walk on a red carpet. Honestly, if I couldn’t take solace in these “Simpsons” references, I just don’t think I could tolerate such an injustice.

(“Simpsons” screencaps via; more “Jersey Shore” VMA pics here.)

I’m much too old and cynical to be watching MTV’s Video Music Awards, but as a blogger I’m required to acknowledge that they happened. So here’s everything you need to know: Beyoncé announced on the red carpet that she’s pregnant, Lady Gaga dressed in drag, Justin Bieber looks more like a lesbian than ever before, and people remembered that Amy Winehouse died. There you go. I just saved you four hours with that one sentence.

You know what I watched last night? A little bit of the Saints-Raiders preseason game and seven episodes of “Friday Night Lights.” I’m watching from the very beginning, and even though I’ve seen most of Season 1, I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed it. I come to tears almost every episode. That’s how awesome Minka Kelly looks in a cheerleading uniform.

Video Music Awards (MTV/VH1, Sunday) — Of course, MTV hasn’t played music videos in years, but it’s an annual rite of summer: MTV spends a week praising itself for creating this awards show and remembering all the CRAZY and UNPREDICTABLE moments before airing something that’s less an awards show than it is repeated attempts to create the next CRAZY and UNPREDICTABLE moment for next year’s montage. I’m sure I’ll end up writing about it Monday, unless Hurricane Irene can save me by knocking out New York City’s power grid. Fingers crossed, people. (Video below: cat in a wedding dress doing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” performance.)

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) — Summer premiere. The more love I see for this show, the harder I dismissively wank in my little corner of the internet. But hey, at least Hitler gets punched.

Man Vs. Wild (Discovery, Friday) — Season finale. Since when is this on Fridays? The season concludes by looking at the average humans behind the camera.

Jersey Shore (MTV, Sunday) — MTV’s airing a new episode to lead into the VMAs. I no longer make the effort to watch “Jersey Shore,” but I’m addicted to MTV’s official Tumblr for the show, which is nothing but endless, sweaty, mattress-throwing GIFs. A+.

George W. Bush: The 9/11 Interview (NatGeo, Sunday) — The former president opens up about his decisions following the terrorist attack. It will be almost as intellectual as the VMAs.

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There’s an easy way to gauge if you’re too old to be cool: watch the VMAs. If you find yourself saying, “Who is that person?” and “Why are they wearing that?” and “This show used to be better!” and “This is music is terrible!” then you are old and not cool. You’re also correct, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the VMAs don’t warrant paragraph form. You get bullets:

• Lady Gaga won eight awards, most of them for “Bad Romance.” It’s the biggest haul since Peter Gabriel won nine for “Sledgehammer” in 1987, and it ties the mark for second-most awards by the legendary a-ha. Oh, and she wore crazy crap. But you knew that already (inset image via).
• Chelsea Handler is not good at comedy.
• During last year’s VMAs, I joked that if you were only reading about the show on Twitter, you would have thought that Kanye West raped Taylor Swift onstage, such was the moral outrage. This year, if you listened to Swift debut her new song in which she forgives Kanye, you would think Kanye raped her onstage.
• Best New Artist: Duh, Justin Bieber. He played the drums. What a cute little lesbian.
• Kanye’s performance (video below) was pretty cool. Or not. I don’t know any more. But he sings about drinking to douchebags and assh*les, and MTV didn’t bleep assh*les, which I thought was nice. Kids may as well know that “assh*le” isn’t a big deal to say, unlike our ad partners.

Anyway, when I look back on this night, I’ll always think, “Wow, I can’t believe Alex Barron cost the Cowboys the game with that holding penalty.”

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