Okay, we’ve got some Cliffs Notes for those of you who just ordered premium cable and want to spend your summer inside watching new seasons of shows you’re behind on. Above is a five-minute summary of the first three seasons of “True Blood,” and below is six seasons of “Weeds” recapped in two minutes. I definitely appreciate and prefer the economy of the “Weeds” video, but it’s animated instead of live-action, thus robbing me of the one thing I might watch for: Mary-Louise Parker’s luscious body of work as an actress.

So “True Blood” gets the top billing. Obviously, all of the good (read: naked) parts didn’t make the cut, but it’s a nice way to catch up if you watch the show like I do: while paying attention to something else until people start having sex or getting murdered.

We miss you, Holy Bathtub Handjob Girl

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It's almost back, you guys.

Come summer time, the only thing worth watching on the Big Four Networks is…when does football start again? Unless you’re a fan of reality shows and sitcoms that weren’t even good enough to make it on the midseason schedule, Fox, NBC, ABC, and CBS are all entertainment wastelands from June to August (the CW, too, but that’s year-round). Cable, on the other hand, is absolutely stacked, with both returning favorites (“Breaking Bad”!) and intriguing-sounding new shows (don’t make me regret calling you “intriguing,” “NTSF:SD:SUV”).

This is Warming Glow’s official summer TV preview, highlighting 25 shows, some great and some awful, but mostly somewhere in-between, that will keep you in the confines of your home instead of enjoying the warm weather and getting some much-needed exercise. (Also, before it’s brought up, “Beavis and Butthead” isn’t included because it doesn’t have an official premiere date yet.)

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Although I don’t really watch “Weeds,” it remains one of the most important shows on television because it gives Mary-Louise Parker a starring role in which she occasionally gets naked. My God, she’s fantastic. I can’t look at her without wanting to punch Billy Crudup in the face.

Anyway, here’s the new promotional artwork for Season 7 (click below for full version), which shows Parker’s Nancy Botwin as a magician’s assistant in chains, presumably because she was arrested at the end of last season and possibly primed for an escape in this coming one. The fact that I’ve always wanted a picture of her chained up in a trunk is probably just a coincidence.

[EW]

It’s that time when we review the year through the prism of top ten lists, and Mr. Skin — possibly the most overhyped, annoying subscription site on the Internet — has released his top ten nude scenes for 2010 (NSFW). Fortunately for us, three of them come from television: Mary-Louise Parker’s belt-whipping railing from Mark-Paul Gosselaar on “Weeds” (#7), Rebecca Creskoff’s casual full-frontal scene in “Hung” (#6), and Paz de la Huerta’s everything all the time in “Boardwalk Empire” (#3, NSFW GIFs here).

As delightful as all of those scenes are, I think I might enjoy Mr. Skin’s copy even more:

#7 Mary-Louise gets a meat bong from behind in her most smoking sex session to date on Showtime’s potent pot-com. You’ll get high… in your pants.
#3 Latin lustbomb Paz couldn’t stop going off, getting off, or taking all her clothes off. She got so nude so often, it’s skin-possible to pick just one nude scene. So check out her perfect two.

With dry, cool wit like that, Mr. Skin could be an action hero.

Anyway, because subscription-based websites are for suckers, you can see high resolution NSFW screencaps of all the scenes over at Celebslam. Fun facts: two of the scenes feature belt-whipping, four involve water, at least three reveal bush, and two feature a pair of women. Now that’s what I call “sta-TIT-stics”! (With dry, cool wit like that, I could write for Mr. Skin.)

This is how Batman fan fiction happens.

Weeds (Showtime) — Season finale. I’m not in the habit of watching Showtime’s programming — it’s a blind spot, I admit — but I’ve heard that this season has been a marked improvement over the downward spiral of the preceding seasons. At the very least, Mary-Louise Parker and Mark-Paul Gosselaar gave us the best TV sex scene in recent memory. Followed by: season finale for The Big C.

Town Hall on Immigration (MSNBC) — Just thinking about watching people argue about immigration policy makes my eyelid twitch. Whoever chooses to watch this is a sick f*ck.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Bristol Palin has gone from “moronic but do-able MILF” to “JESUS CHRIST HOW DID SHE GET THIS FAR? SOMEONE STOP THIS MADNESS.” She gets it from her mother.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — I used to occasionally watch this because Neil Patrick Harris is fantastic and everyone else in the cast (minus the main character) is pretty solid, too. But CBS’s recent dedication to only making the most rote and predictable sitcoms has ensured that I’m never watching the network unless there’s an NFL game on. And even then, it’s likely that Dan Dierdorf is making me want to throw something at the TV set.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Speaking of the NFL, the Redskins host the Eagles on the same day that Washington signed Philly castoff Donovan McNabb to a five-year extension with $40 million guaranteed. Two weeks after he was benched against the Lions. Money well spent, Dan Snyder. (KSK live blog here)