Hey everybody, hop in the time machine and dial up 1971, then watch this old Woolworth commercial (via boing boing). It’s hard to believe that there are people who were alive when this first aired, back before inflation drove up the prices of Herb Albert and Petula Clark albums through the roof, an age where people had to leave their homes and pay money to acquire new music. It must have been terrible to grow up in that era, what with scarlet fever and tuberculosis claiming so many young lives.

(Llarry the Llama lloves Canned Heat)

Matronly Squirrel disapproves of these floozies’ attention-grabbing pose.

Blake Lively, star of “Gossip Girl” and a particularly vivid recurring sex dream I have, will host the December 5th episode of “Saturday Night Live.”

The immediate concern here might be, “Uh oh, pretty girl alert — this could be a disaster like the January Jones episode,” but I’m optimistic. Lively appeared in a digital short when James Franco hosted, and she and Jimmy Fallon put together a pretty solid skit when she was on “Late Night” this week. She seems pretty down to earth with passable comic timing, so I think it could be a good episode. Assuming, that is, that the “SNL” writers don’t mail it in — aw, crap. They’re gonna mail it in, aren’t they? Damn. Guess I’ll have to resort to ogling her glorious cans. Which was really my plan from the start anyway.

FX primarily caters to a male audience, but it has expanded its scope to heavyset teenage girls now that it has purchased the television rights to the Twilight saga. From The Live Feed:

FX has acquired the ad-supported TV rights to the four “Twilight” movies in a package deal with producer Summit Entertainment that also includes the indie studio’s Oscar hopeful “The Hurt Locker,” the Nicolas Cage thriller “Knowing” and actioner “Push.”

Under the pact, FX will start running last year’s “Twilight,” the first movie in the franchise, beginning in late 2011. “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”… will be available in late 2012. “Eclipse,” which is slated for a June 30 release, will have its premiere on FX in early 2013. Summit has yet to greenlight production on “Breaking Dawn,” an adaptation of the fourth book in Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight” series.

Obviously, this story is just a grand excuse for me to debut my spin on the Internet’s finest t-shirt. It features three shirtless Taylor Lautners, and I call it Three Werewolf New Moon. Once I made it, I started disappearing into a rabbit hole of mutating memes. I had to make Lautner wear a shirt of of him shirtless, and then I had to add a well-dressed wolf to the picture, so that there was a wolf in human clothes looking down on a werewolf wearing a shirt featuring shirtless werewolves, and AHHHH SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP THIS. All these wolves are gonna hurt someone, and my copy of Photoshop is starting to smoke.

Terrence the Gay T-Rex and Admiral Gorilla agree: vests are for A-holes

Million Dollar Listing (Bravo) — I’m featuring this only because I rarely make it a point to say how much I want to shave this jackass’s head. With scissors. Using a stabbing motion. To his face and neck.

Jon & Kate plus 8 (TLC) — Series finale. Apparently these people have a pair of twins and sextuplets, and now they’re getting divorced? Weird. Seems like something I would’ve heard about before now.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — It’s the last night of performances this season. Only Donny Osmond, Mya, and Kelly Osborne remain after Joanna Krupa got voted off last week — even though Krupa got the second highest marks. Why? Because America is an ugly jealous bitch.

Find My Family (ABC) –  Series premiere. Yahoo: “This new reality series, hosted by Tim Green and Lisa Joyner, helps people reunite with long-lost family members and loved ones.” Thumbs down to people tracking down their families. Your parents put you up for adoption for a reason, you know?

CSI: Miami (CBS) — WIN: A bunch of jellyfish get used as a murder weapon. “Looks like this guy got into a nasty… jam. You know, jellyfish? Jam? Aw, forget it. *puts on sunglasses* YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!