“Whale Wars” detailed the efforts of a group of sea-hippies toothlessly trying to stop Japanese whaling efforts. Except now that Japan has suspended its whaling efforts, Animal Planet needs a new premise to film those ocean-faring hippies. Hence, a spin-off:

Tentatively titled The Faroe Islands Project, the show has the Sea Shepherds (including Capt. Paul Watson and Peter Hammarstedt) charting a course to the Danish Protectorate of the Faroe Islands, where there’s an annual hunt for pilot whales titled “The Grind.” In a practice going back to the first Norse settlements on the islands, an estimated 1,000 whales are corralled by local residents into the shallow coves to be killed. [EW]

What? “The Faroe Islands Project”? That’s a HUGE step down from “Whale Wars.” I could think of titles for “Whale Wars” spin-offs all day and never come up with something as dull as “The Faroe Islands Project.” Like “Man Vs Dolphin.” Or “Whale Hunting With the Stars.” “Project Blowhole.” “Jersey Shorca.” “So You Think You Can Echolocate.” “Big Blubber.” “America’s Next Top Narwhal.” “The Real Housewhales of Monterey Bay.” “License to Krill.” All these and more, this fall on the Whale Channel.

(thanks to Burnsy and Vince for helping with Whale Channel programming)

Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Season premiere. With the hapless, ineffectual hippies returning, so too does one of my favorite Photoshops. If I could have one superpower, I’d want it to be the ability to make Photoshops come true.

MTV Movie Awards (MTV, Sunday) — Jason Sudeikis hosts the annual convention for young people screeching at the slightest mention of Twilight. Kristin Stewart is nominated for Best Kiss twice: once each with Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson. (I just voted for Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman out of principle.)

Next Food Network Star (Food Network, Sunday) — From the channel that brought you Rachel Ray, Guy Fieri, and that chick that looks like Guy Fieri. I’m sure the winner will be a tastefully subtle gourmand.

VH1 Storytellers: My Morning Jacket (VH1) — I’ve never totally fallen under their spell, but MMJ has a deserved reputation for being one of the best live bands on the planet.

Teen Wolf (MTV, Sunday) — Teen Wolf plays lacrosse now. The show debuts after the Movie Awards, but you can watch the first seven and a half minutes here.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike, Saturday) — Season finale. If you’re an MMA fan, check out With Leather’s take on the Joe Rogan/Maggie Hendricks situation (aka “C*ntgate”).

The Real L Word (Showtime, Sunday) — Season premiere. Only one cast member returns from the inaugural season of “The Real Lesbians of L.A.” Can anyone confirm that the opening credits is a Scissor Sisters song?

Ice Road Truckers (History, Sunday) — Season premiere. One of the stars was arrested for allegedly beating his wife in front of his nine-year-old son — but not in front of cameras. And that’s why E! gets more viewers than History. There’s no chance any of the Kardashians will ever get punched off camera.

Hey, remember when the evil Japanese whaling ships sank the super-expensive high-tech speed boat that belonged to the “Whale Wars” crew? Well, according to a disgruntled former employee — the same one who attempted a citizen’s arrest on a Japanese boat in international waters — the ship was scuttled to make for better television.

Peter Bethune was captain of the hi-tech Ady Gil when its bow was shorn off in a collision with a Japanese whaler it was shadowing in January. It sank two days later, but Mr Bethune now alleges he was ordered to scuttle it by Sea Shepherd head Paul Watson…

Mr Bethune told New Zealand’s National Radio he believed Mr Watson wanted the sinking to “garner sympathy with the public and to create better TV”. [BBC]

Watson denies the claim, and the story certainly does have a certain whiff of cow excrement to it. But what impresses me most is the way these total pussies have made me sympathetic to Japanese whaling. I mean, I really like whales, and the industry is brutish and cruel and completely unnecessary in the 21st century. But if these fame-whoring douchebag hippies are against it, well… maybe those whales were askin’ for it.

Whale Wars (Animal Planet, Friday) — Season premiere. Oh, Whale Wars Photoshop, how I’d missed you.

Party Down (Starz, Friday) — Maybe I can watch this tonight since I finally have cable in my new apartment. Pretty awesome how I had to sit around here in the 11 o’clock to 2 o’clock window that Time Warner gave me, and the cable guy showed up at 1:55. Then he took 40 minutes to set things up and told me that the Internet wouldn’t work for another hour to hour and a half. Love you, Time Warner Cable. May an angry citizenry never stab your board of directors to death with pitchforks. And yes, that’s sarcasm. (watch episode preview below)

Sports — NHL Finals and NBA Finals. Check your local listings, since I don’t feel like doing it.

Flashpoint (CBS, Friday) — Season premiere. This is somehow the third season of a show about riot cops, and I only vaguely remember ever hearing about it before. But what is there to really know? It’s a CBS show about cops, your parents are gonna watch regardless.

America’s Most Wanted (Fox, Saturday) — This episode will feature a Little League coach charged with sex crimes against children. Time to turn your dad in.

Breaking Bad/Treme (AMC/HBO, Sunday) — I missed last Sunday’s episodes because of my move, so I don’t really have anything to add here except more bitching about how much this week sucked for me. Have a great weekend, next week should be a little smoother. I hope.

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I appreciate that the Sea Shepherd society is devoted to stopping Japan’s whaling efforts. My only problem is that they do it in the gayest way possible for the exceedingly lame “Whale Wars.” And the most recent development in Sea Shepherd’s game of cat-and-super-gay-mouse with Japanese whalers is possibly the most ridiculous yet:

At 0630 Hours, Sea Shepherd Captain Peter Bethune of the vessel Ady Gil, which was sunk by the Japanese security ship Shonan Maru 2, boarded the whaling ship to conduct a citizen’s arrest of the skipper of the Shonan Maru 2.

Captain Bethune boarded the whaling ship under cover of darkness from a Jet Ski as the Shonan Maru 2 was traveling at 14 knots in the Southern Ocean… At 0800 Hours, once the sun had risen, Bethune calmly knocked on the bridge wing door, entered the wheelhouse, and presented himself to the Captain of Shonan Maru 2 where he informed the skipper that he was under arrest for the sinking of the Sea Shepherd ship Ady Gil on January 6th, 2010 [video of that here - Ed.].

All radio communications with Peter Bethune ceased at 0805. The Shonan Maru 2 did acknowledge that Bethune was onboard.

I admit, it was kinda metal to sneak onto a moving ship under the cover night via jetski in antarctic waters. But that cloak-and-dagger stuff is only cool if you follow through by knifing a bunch of henchmen and dropping a pipe bomb in the engine room. Instead, Bethune walked onto the bridge and was all, “I place you under citizen’s arrest. On your own boat. Umm… hello? Does anyone here speak English?”