As the Internet’s leading provider of “Whale Wars”-themed Photoshops, it is my duty to inform you that tomorrow’s episode of “South Park” will spoof the popular Animal Planet series.
In the episode titled “Whale Whores,” premiering at 10 p.m. on Wednesday, Stan and his family are spending his birthday at the Denver Aquarium, where they will get to swim with the dolphins, but the fun turns bloody when the Japanese attack, kill all the dolphins and ruin Stan’s big day. In return, Stan takes on the cause to save the dolphins from the Japanese. [source]
Oh man. I’m not a die-hard “South Park” fan but I’ve got a feeling this’ll be a good one. Dolphin massacre, cheap racial stereotypes, and young boys. It’s everything that turns your dad on.
Your dad always rides whales bareback
Three-day weekend, y’all. I’ll leave the porch light on here at Warming Glow, but the doors’ll be locked and I won’t be back until Tuesday morning. Unless something really important happens, like the CBS headquarters gets blown up or I find a picture of a Hitler cat in an SS uniform overseeing Jew cats getting on a train.
And you and I aren’t the only ones chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool this weekend: most TV stations are mailing it in with various marathons of whatever they have the rights to. After the jump, a full list of said marathons, reblogged from Interesting Pile. My pick of the weekend: Monday’s “Whale Wars” marathon on Animal Planet. I’d stay in to watch it, but I’m actually going to be at a Whale War reenactment. Abe Lincoln rarely gets credit for it, but he also freed Willy.
Whale Wars (Animal Planet) — Season finale. Alas, I fear this means no more knife-fighting whale Photoshops :(
Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO) — Liberal douchebaggery PLUS an appearance from Jay Leno. Looks like I’ll be leaving the house to get drunk tonight.
Jockeys (Animal Planet) — Ha ha, this show is on Animal Planet. Because very short people aren’t quite human.
Monk (USA) — I admit, I’ve never seen an entire episode of this show. But I did like that part in Men in Black where Tony Shalhoub got his head blown off. Man, that Will Smith fella sure does have some wisecracks!
NFL Preseason: Titans at Cowboys (Fox) — At last, the majesty of the Cowboys’ new billion-dollar superstadium is unveiled. And with it comes the annoying t-shirts.
Hard Rock Calling (VH1) — A concert from London’s Hyde Park that includes Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, the Pretenders, the Killers, Ben Harper,and Dave Matthews Band. The “Hard Rock” part refers to the sponsor, not the music.
The Late Show (CBS) — Included here because Patton Oswalt is the second guest (Christina Applegate is first up; Brendan Benson is the musical guest).
Make It Happen (MTV) — Oh yay, an MTV movie! From the writer of Save the Last Dance and Step Up comes this story of a dancer (no way!) who fails at a big audition then dances at a burlesque club as she works to redeem herself. Alternate title: Strip Down 2 Da Teats.
Monk (USA) – The season premiere of the eighth and final season. I feel badly for the fans of this show with OCD once it goes off the air. No, wait, that’s “I feel bad” for them. Feeling badly means I’m bad at feeling, which I am, put that’s not my message here. Or is it “I’ll feel bad”? I don’t feel bad yet, but I will when the show is over. Good grammar. Must have good grammar. Should I have put a semicolon there?
Blood in the Water (Discovery) – A look at the 1916 New Jersey shark attack that inspired Jaws, with commentary and reenactments, even when they scurry around to find a bigger boat.
Surviving Suburbia (ABC) – I did it, so can you!
Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) – Arianna Huffington appears on the show to dine on aborted fetuses with Maher in celebration of Sonia Sotomayor’s swearing in as an associate justice on the Supreme Court. I kid, I kid. They’ll only drink their blood.
Whale Wars (Animal Planet) - I cheated you out of your Nuke the Whales poster last week, but I won’t make the same mistake twice. Whatever it takes to see ourselves through this deadly conflict.
It’s been fun pretending to know anything about television for a week. Your fearless leader Ufford returns Monday
Whale Wars (Animal Planet) — The one good thing about there being nothing good on TV on Friday is that it forced me to notice the existence of “Whale Wars,” the notion of which — if not the show itself — has enriched my life deeply. Check the full-size poster of “Nuke the Whales” below. (source)
Torchwood: Children of Earth (BBC America) — The thrilling conclusion to the epic miniseries. **looks around** It’s okay, I haven’t been watching it, either.
Surviving Suburbia (ABC) — Nobody has anything to say about this show, so I’ll talk about another ABC sitcom from Friday nights: “Full House.” Yeah, that’s a lousy segue, but it was the best way I could think of to link to the last picture taken of the entire “Full House” cast together. Of course, a reunion will never happen, as Dave Coulier died this summer (hey, if we all wish hard enough, it might just happen).
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (AMC) — Probably my favorite Western, despite the miserable inclusion of a Burt Bacharach song. “Can I move? I shoot better when I move.”
What Not to Wear (TLC) — I just realized I haven’t bought a new shirt in something like a year. Makes me even more excited for this.
Roadhouse (CMT) — Holy crap! Butch & Sundance & Dalton & Garrett in one night! Tonight is going to be way more metal than I thought it was going to be. I’ll have to cancel my reservations at the brothel.
Whale Wars (Animal Planet) — Sigh. It’s still not about whales fighting each other.
Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? (Fox) — Star Jones and wildlife guy Jack Hanna. As if these people are what it takes to make you say to yourself, “Y’know what? I don’t usually watch that show, but Star Jones? THE Star Jones? Honey, cancel our dinner reservations!”
The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien (NBC) — Seth Rogen and tween hero/jailbait Demi Lovato. Steven Ho and Seth Green tonight. [Rogen and Lovato are next Friday. My B.] Conan needs us, people. He came in third in the ratings last week. Behind “Nightline.” Ouch. Make your parents watch him already.
Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? (truTV) — Answer: yes. I just saved you an hour.
Boxing (HBO) — I can’t tell from the listings which of the various HBOs this is on, but the channel is re-running all three classic fights between Mickey Ward and the recently-murdered Arturo Gatti.
Chopping Block (NBC) — I’d be a huge fan of this show if it were about the French Revolution. Because people got their heads, you know, the guillotine– whatever. It’s 5:00 on Friday and I made a whale Photoshop, what else do you want from me?
Bored this weekend? Keep me company over at With Leather — I’ll be posting over there about sports and sport-like things.
